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Madness Poll.
Poll questions:
Dear List,
I just got back from a short vacation. *Welcome* to all newcomers!!
Given the nature of some recent posts, I thought a Poll on this very sensitive issue would be interesting. Soooo:
*****
An activated Kundalini commonly results in symptoms that can be confused with mental illness. This often causes a fear that one is going mad, and actually may cause a diagnosis of mental illness.
Questions:
How many of us have feared we were going mad. What symptoms caused this fear?
How many of us have been diagnosed with some form of mental illness?
What form?
How many of us have been hospitalized for mental illness? For how long?
For obvious reasons :)) all responses sent to me directly will be kept completely confidential. Let me know if excerpts can be posted in the final tally.
**********************************
Dear List,
Thanks to all! :)) 18 people responded to the poll.
To the question, "How many of us have feared we were going mad." only one answered "no."
HOSPITALIZED:
6 people spent time in mental hospitals. The time spent there ranged from a week to 2 years. In all but two cases, however, the time hospitalized was between a week and ten days. The other two were 1 1/2 months and 2 years.
2 were voluntary admissions, 2 were drug related, one was for being "a danger to self," and one was for a suicide attempt.
***
DIAGNOSIS
11 people were diagnosed at one time or another.
The diagnoses for those 6 who were hospitalized were as follows (some multiple diagnoses).
Bi polar
ADD
Addictive personality
Depression
Harmfull use of psychoactive substances
Harmfull use of psychoactive substances combined with
unspecified psychosis-family disease
Schizoid personality disorder/psychosis-type personality disorder
Manic-depression w/single schizophrenaform psychotic episode
Two of these people were later told they were normal or never did have psychotic symptoms
Of those 11 people who feared they were going mad but were not hospitalized:
6 people replied they had never been diagnosed
3 people were diagnosed with depression
1 person was diagnosed with acute psychotic depression
1 person declared sane
***
SYMPTOMS:
Altered states of perceiving reality/OBE's/bilocation/disconnectedness:
7 people
Overwhelming fear, fear of going mad, terror, mental agony, oppressive sense of doom: 5 people
Hearing voices: 4 people
Depression: 4 people
Mood shifts, hatred for life, rage: 4
Inability to sleep/sleep disturbances: 3
Seeing things or feeling things "not there"/demons: 3
Religious delusion/delusions: 3
Inablility to concentrate: 3
Paranoia: 2
Overwhelming sensitivity/hearing people's minds: 2
****
Some excerpts:
I knew I was going mad, and at the time welcomed it ( was being severely bullied, with no help at hand.). The symptoms were: chronic sleeplessness, gothic ideation (like seeing myself dead but alive), seeing things that weren't there (in my mind, superimposed on "reality"), slipping out of the present - adrift in time - travelling to places I didn't recognise, living a dream reality (internal world superimposed on external one), things becoming symbols of meaning rather than what they were, and a sense of my self-image mutating beyond most ppl's semblance of normality. I was going *strange*.
***
Me, symptoms- extreme fear, fear of going mad coz it all happened so fast and I was feeling like I was not in control of this trip. Jumping out of body regularly, being able to understand Buddhist teachings before reading them, going into silly positions of yoga for no reason and at inappropriate times, having orgasms during the working day in the middle of sentences with no apparent sexual object in sight, paranoia, extreme sensitivity, feeling the ground under my feet with every step, hair on my arms going up all the time and on the neck. Made me hurt if it was a strong breeze. sounds too loud. People's voices were too loud and I had to run away with my hands over my ears, Meeting people for the first time or after a few times and physically crying because I was so happy to see them living. Feeling demons were all around me and trying to touch me -- ps, they were
***
Never feared l was going mad, never hospitalized or diagnosed. Hey, one horrible thing about k l haven't had -- hooray! Then again, some (like Glenn Morris) have implied that it's not a genuine k experience unless you HAVE gone mad at some point.
***
For me one of the worst aspects was to sense that something was very wrong but not finding anybody (I consulted doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists) willing and able to diagnose and offer constructive help.
Drugs didn't work and it really became a question of accepting the situation, gritting my teeth and being determined to somehow see myself through the whole mess I was in or, alternatively throw myself in front of a train.
But there was no question about it there was something definitely very out of balance, a tentative diagnosis was that of acute psychotic depression, but it didn't really fit the standard clinical description of that state.
***
Subsequently, my perceptions of reality changed to include heightened awareness, intuitiveness, compassion and love for all humanity, synchronicity's happened on a regular basis, my perception of beauty was heightened to the point that I could be moved to tears looking at the sky. In addition, my subtle energy body/fields were incredibly sensative....my body tingled and I felt like I was glowing from the inside out. ... Through it all there was a part of me that wondered if I was having a really awesome nervous breakdown, but there was no way I intended on finding a cure. In retrospect I was likely borderline manic at the time, but something inside resisted interfering with the experience.
***
symptoms that made me think I was crazy:
Seeing the activities of the crown chakra.
Actually, seeing (awareness) of any energy period.
Half telepathic and full telepathic conversations.
Feeling like I was present in more locations than 1.
Recieving information anomolously and in the state of mind of connectedness, integrating them as reality (more on this one later, when I get a chance)
***
I had more than enough experience with "modern psychiatry": folks, if you ever get tempted to ask for psychiatric help, don't. I never saw a situation where they helped people, they just make them numb and dormant so that they don't make trouble.
***
Since my re-awakening about 5 years ago, i had several periods where i thought i was going mad. Which all had to do with releasing repressed trauma from my early youth. The symptoms were feeling terrified, knowing something i about to happen with me in all various ways, killer rage etc.
***
K has produced states of intense, irrational fear for me. On oneoccasion, this fear was so overwhelming I stayed up all night in an intense, fairly psychotic state, waiting to die, certain my death was coming that day. Death from what, I did not know. I had to call in family to help me, and insisted on being taken to a doctor (or did they insist on taking me?).
It passed of within a day. Nothing has since quite matched that terror, but I did experience terror, some paranoia, and intense non-specific fear for several years cyclicly as pms symptoms since k awakening. It got milder and milder over time.
***
I went through a period of seriously questioning my mental health after that & came to the conclusion that while on 'the walk' there is a period of this exploration on the edges of society. *It was the incredible oneness and energy with of the universe--but INSIDE me-- that caused the fear at first. * I would wake up in the middle of the night and expect the kundalini to be gone, but it wasn't going anywhere. My spiritual supervisor said it awakens and never leaves.
***
Feeling crazy is, for me, the feeling of being too far outta whack to find the center again, like when the carousel spins too fast and you just want OFF! I have that every now and then too. As I sit here outside of that space (LOL!), I
think it almost always has to do with fear getting the best of me. Even as a kid I never felt like the notion of being human which I had learned quite jived with the one I felt. I questioned myself and tried to be good. But never quite believed the sham and never quite gave it up.
Somewhere in there, I would run into bouts of real agony which made me feel insane, and sucked all the energy out 'til i felt helpless and hopeless. If my life hadn't rolled just exactly as it did, through loss and good fortune, I might be feeling that way now.
***
For me, it was anxiety/increased energy state.
***
I can honestly say the 'madness' of k has been far preferable than any madness I had before. It has given me a peculiar discernment into the craziness of awakening. Every day is a new day to be discovered, like a baby.
***
There are some theories that state that ALL schizophrenia is wayward K.
*************************************************
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