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Tales of Awakening

  These personal experiences are posted with the permission of the people involved. Reproduction for anything other than personal use is prohibited.

Melissa Fornof


Part 1

   Hello, my name is Melissa Fornof. I don't know the first thing about computers, so forgive me if I am mistaken, but I think this is a personal e-mail address or home page message site of an individual. Now I will state my purpose.

   Recently, I have been undergoing strange experiences I believe to be Kundalini awakening. However, information on the subject is scarce, and what I found so far (even on the Internet) is too vague or too broad to be a real help to me. I am desperate to speak to a real person who knows just what is going on and can help me through this. Most of the personal accounts of Kundalini awakening I have read about are in essence true horror stories--that certainly doesn't reassure me. I would TREMENDOUSLY appreciate any help you could send my way.

   Thus far, these are the experiences I have had: It all began when I remembered a "trick" I learned as a kid. You slowly bring your hands together with eyes shut and you can feel heat between them. My mother and I tried this (years after learning about it), but it was different this time. Instead of heat, we both felt strong energy! We showed this to our husbands and others; most all felt it too. We assumed we were feeling our auras (we already believed living things are surrounded by invisible energy only detectable by special photography). So, we bought a book on auras, which introduced us to chakras and the Kundalini. We used a crystal as the book suggested to find the chakras and the direction of their spin. This convinced us that it was no B.S. And so our minds were opened to new "mystical" yet exciting possibilities.

   Then one night after reading out of a New Age book, I went to bed and had my first experience. I heard a buzzing that sounded like a fly/flies. I had heard it twice before; the first time I ignored it and went to sleep. The second time, I tried to find its source and could not; it seemed to hover around me. Very spooked, I stayed up most of that night. The third time I heard this noise, I realized what it probably was--something associated with the chakras (I read of an awakening experience that included this sound, described as bees). Then realizing that the sound was coming from inside me, I accepted that I was having some kind of an experience. Upon that acceptance, the noise grew louder. It started in my right ear, then traveled to the left over the top of my head in a headband shape. It would pause; then return to the right ear. It continued back and forth. As it did so, my scalp began to burn. Not intolerably, but uncomfortably and quite obvious. Then I began to feel a small burning circle on my forehead; the "third eye." This totally unexpected experience was frightening. However, I kept it controlled. I had read enough to know that panicking can cause a lot of pain.

   Since then I have numerous other sensations; none of them burning. I've felt "auric pressure" holding me down on the bed (though I could really move), tingling and itching sensations, relaxing heat in my limbs and up my lower spine, the feeling of a large ball pulsating in my open hands, pressure pushing down the third eye center, vibrations in areas of the first chakra and the throat chakra, and the feeling that my chest and sometimes stomach have disappeared; that I no longer breathe but rather air passes through me. I have also heard noises from inside my ear or head. Lately, I hear almost completely the sounds from my left ear. The noise I hear most is a low, "circular" sort of rumble; like massage equipment at a chiropractor's office.

   When trying to bring on experiences during the day once, I lied in bed for 2 hours, relaxing and breathing and just taking note of whatever happened. This was under no meditation guide or technique; I just did it. When I sat up after this, I was in a strange meditative state. My body was ultra-relaxed. I felt the urge to sway. I just let the energy move me. It moved me in a snake-like pattern from side to side and from front to back, and in a half-circle motion. It was accompanied by a laid-back happy feeling, like being drugged.

   Since then, twice I have had a sudden "relapse" from my very troubled teenage years when I smoked marijuana. The sensation is just like being stoned; everything moves slower and is just altered.

   During all of these experiences, I have focused on relaxing and NOT BEING AFRAID. That is not easy. When I get too scared, I have to sleep on the couch with the t.v. and light on. It's the only way I can make the experiences stop.

   The last experience happened last night. In a dream, I knew I had to wake up to keep our two cats from fighting. So I forced myself to wake up for real. It was only a dream; the cats were separated. But I then noticed my entire body was vibrating pretty strong--even inside my head. I tried to be calm and relaxed and unafraid, but I was afraid "it" was going to take me somewhere. I was also afraid that even a little fear would cause the journey to wherever or whatever to become a nightmare like the ones I have read about. So, with enormous effort (I was also pretty much paralyzed), I got out of bed. Another night on the couch.

   What is most intriguing to me about all of this is that I never practiced Yoga or chakra exercises or anything. This stuff just seems to happen to me for no apparent reason. I still don't do Yoga or anything else.

   I am so lost and scared. I really need help. Anything you could tell me, give me, send me, refer to me would be terrifically appreciated. Thank you for your time.

Part 2

   That's a pretty good description of what I've gone through before. However, some things have changed since then. Soon after that above letter, I had finals coming up in college. The Kundalini stuff was really interfering with my study and sleep time. I begged whatever was controlling it to make it to stop--at least until after finals. I spent every night on the couch with the tv and light on. And so, I made it through finals. Only the Kundalini happenings stopped completely and never came back. Recently I have tried to bring it back again, with some success. But it is somewhat different this time. I don't have the same spiritual, in-awe frame of mind. The experiences don't usually happen on their own, I have to concentrate to get something. However, I still have hot flashes and can usually bring on the snake-like flow that moves my body. Sometimes when I relax and get somewhat sleepy, if it's dark enough, I see swirls and balls of dim colors. Sometimes I even begin to see out of the corner of my closed eyes a white light moving up and down. I can feel that light. If it comes into full view, (eyes still closed and in the dark) it is accompanied by a light buzzing or vibrating sensation, heat, and a relaxed, warm, very comfortable drugged sensation. These are the main sensations I get now.

   As for your questions: I have never actually meditated by any guide, but I do sometimes do my own meditation of relaxing on the bed and trying to clear my mind. I told you of my "visions." Before, when the Kundalini was strong in me, I did start having unusually clear dreams and remembered them unusually well. They seemed to contain messages for me, so I got a Dream Dictionary and started deciphering. Most of them seemed to be telling me that I was undergoing a spiritual awakening, that it is a good thing and it will all be ok, and depicted my fears. I do not know what synchronicity means, so I can't say if I have or haven't experienced it. Please write back and tell me what it means. As for the emotions, I have not had significant mood swings as I have heard about. What I had before, which I don't have now to that degree, is a sense of oneness with the universe. A feeling that everything is connected, from the grass to the animals to the humans to the cosmos. I had a new perspective. It's like, beforehand I was a tiny ant who viewed the world from an ant's eyes. Then, I took on a third-person, above-the-world view. It's difficult to explain. Also, I felt like there was this huge bubble in the sky filled with higher consciousness or enlightenment, and that I just started to touch the outside of it.

   Also, the first round of Kundalini as well as this one seem to have something else in common. Very slight, sloppy, and insignificant psychic ability. I'm not even sure if it is psychic or just coincidence. I'll give you a few examples, and I would love to hear your opinion on them. My husband normally comes home around nine or ten at night from work, extremely rarely any earlier. One day, around one or two in the afternoon, my Mom left the room. When I heard the door open upon her return, I knew logically it had to be her, but for some reason I half expected to see my spouse. I was even somewhat suprised that it WAS my mom. A few hours later, John came home--3 or 4 hours early. Another time, we were about to leave for church. I had the strong impression that I was forgetting something--I checked twice, being drawn particularly to the baby's diaper bag, as if that's what I thought I was forgetting--nothing was missing. That night, as we arrived at church for the evening service, I realized I had forgotten to bring the baby's diaper bag. Yet another day, from eight in the morning, I had the overwhelming urge to check the mail every time I passed the front door. But our mail runs late--3-4 p.m. I kind of felt there was a package coming. When the mail did arrive, there was a small package in the box--a stop smoking unit called Phase-Out my mother (who lives with us) had been anxiously waiting for. Then, there's my baby's first birthday party. That day, I told my husband what to get at the store, and I took a nap. I had forgotten to tell him to get some vanilla ice cream. Just before I awoke, I had a dream. In it, was at a store. I was looking in the ice cream bin and I said, "I don't want this vanilla dipped in chocolate--I want pure vanilla and something all chocolate." When I got up, John came home with a tub of vanilla ice cream and a tub of chocolate.

   So what do you think? Psychic or coincidence? It's certainly weird. And if it's psychic, why is it so vague and so unimportant? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

   I have more to talk about, but I have taken enough of your time for now. Feel free to write me anytime and I'd love to hear of your experiences, too. Take care!

    Melissa Fornof

Sat, 08 Jun 1996 04:50:08 -0700

   Hello, everyone, First of all, I'd like to answer the questions Richard suggested as common interest communication starters. I am 22 years old, obviously female with the name Melissa, and I guesstimate my first Kundalini experience began about 6 months ago. Maybe a little sooner or later; it was during the school year is all I remember precisely. My first experience, as I described in my first posting, was the buzzing that seemed to hover over me; and then went from ear to ear, all the while causing my scalp to burn with intense but not painful heat. Also, my third eye chakra center between the eyes burned just as much. I've had a lot of other stuff since. As far as eating habits are concerned, there has never been any major change, but during my first round of Kundalini experiences, I did notice that it was getting harder to eat meat--and I've always been a shameful carnivore. The most noticeable was that suddenly, I could NOT EAT pepperoni. It nauseated me, when I used to love "pepperoni lover's pizza." For that period, I had to pick the pieces off my pizza and blot the rest with a paper towel to eat it, or order a cheeze-only pizza. Meditation--I never followed any guide. As I told a fellow list member privately, the Kundalini has been my guide. I might be lying on the bed with hands at my sides. Then I will feel a second, "invisible" set of hands in another position that seem to also be attached to the flesh arms. It pulls at me, as if to say, "move over here." When I then move my hands to that position, it then "feels right" and is usually more comfortable. My overall meditation technique is to lie down in a comfortable position, concentrate on relaxing, change position as the Kundalini directs, and just take note of whatever happens. As for service to others, I have always been very softhearted and want to help everyone in the world who needs it. I have done most of my helping by one-on-one "counseling" with individuals I encounter and befriend. I have a lot of insight on some common troubling issues through personal experience. I used to think there was no deity or that he/she/it was evil. Then I realized later on what a strange blessing in disguise my torture was--I discovered because of the (what I call) tragedy that I was far stronger than I ever imagined or gave myself credit for (I have always thought myself a huge wimp); I discovered that there really are people out there who know how to look beyond the outside, the past, the human "sins", and see the person inside--even to love them. (Here I speak of my wonderful husband and a few old friends.) I also discovered, perhaps most importantly, that because of my ordeal, assisted by my natural communication skills, I was able to help people in the same or similar situations. I helped several people discard crippling guilt and self-hate feelings that I'm no stranger to by telling them my story and giving them sound advice that is best given and the most accepted (by others) by someone who has been there. I never realized what a gift I really had until I saw the healings I was the initiator of. (Do you guys follow me or am I too vague for you to understand what I'm talking about? Please let me know.) Now I am basically a hermit. With no apparent intuition about people, my sensitive heart has landed me more heart-rippings than I care to remember. I can't trust people face-to-face any more, with no intuition to guide me. I know there are more people I can help out there, but I just don't have the courage to put my heart on the line again in order to find them. This leads me to the another of Richard's questions--what do I hope to get out of this Kundalini experience. One thing is intuition--to know who is in need of help and/or would be a good friend and who is out to use me or hurt me. Also, I hope to gain psychic ability--I would like to be able to foresee accidents and the like that would otherwise seriously hurt or kill someone I love; I'd like to be able to protect my family by being "forewarned and forearmed." Also, I'd like to be able to help people find lost loved ones and/or their killer/s if they are deceased. I hope to gain from Kundalini the ability to help more people, in whatever manner they need most. At last but not least, the question, "what has changed the most in your life." Well, I guess I'd have to say my outlook on life. Although I don't fully understand what is happening or why, and though it can be frightening, my life will never be the same again. Now I know there IS something more out there. A higher consciousness or awakening or universal spirituality or whatever you want to call it that transcends the barriers of race, religion, nationality, color, creed, sex, income, status, background, etcetera. This, I believe is a uniting force that breaks all man-invented dividing lines. Now that I have touched this force, I can never leave it for good. That would be like being given the key to the universe and throwing it away. I would always wonder what could have been. I would never be fully satisfied with life knowing that there is another dimension to it that I could have had; one that could have changed my life for the better; for as long as I live. I am compelled to continue this frightening voyage, because I know what ultimately lies ahead at the very least--peace and joy. Even the horror stories I have read ultimately ended up there, and those who experienced it would go through their agony again to keep that spiritual knowledge and joy. I have yet to read of anyone's experience, good or bad, that "quit" or would prefer the old life to the new one despite any pain incurred during acquirement of it. I don't know for sure what this is or really understand it, but I do know that it is something very good that I can't afford to let slip by me. That is why I am now pursuing it after inadvertently stopping it completely once before. This thing is scary, and at times I do wish I could just live a normal life again. But now that would never be enough. Kundalini gives me joy and hope when I feel like the world is doomed. I cannot watch the news; I told my husband the daily news should be called the "Daily Tragedy." I have to keep updated through secondhand, "husband edited" news because I am too sensitive to see the evil and hatred taken out on innocent little children and other people. Anyway, on the news are always stories of burning the very trees that give us the oxygen we breathe--belching toxins into the air that destroy the thin layer of ozone that protects us from the sun's potentially life-destroying rays--shocking and evil acts hurting, torturing, and/or killing the innocent--horrible abuse of animals--the wealthy and powerful abusing the poor and powerless--etcetera. As a whole, humanity is destroying the very planet that gives them life. We treat other life forms, whether animal, plant (as in trees!), or human as if they were disposable objects. I cannot watch the news because these things are so true and so real and so frightening and so heartbreaking for the sensitive types such as myself. But Kundalini, in itself frightening, offers me hope. I have been reading about and hearing about and even seeing on TV how the world seems to be now, as a whole, undergoing a positive transformation. There are a whole lot of spontaneous Kundalini awakenings going on these days; far more than ever before from what I've read. I have been seeing a change in the news that I do watch--they are starting to get the word out about natural remedies rather than synthetic, side-effect-drenched lab-made drugs. More people are adopting a more universal type religion rather than sticking to the dogma they were raised with. (This is based on what I have seen and read--feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, or to disagree with me.) What this says to me is that there is indeed a universal awakening going on--if the US is "coming around" (we, one of the most "stiff-necked" peoples in the world), how much more the rest of the world? What I see is a more understanding and tolerant world emerging, better fitting our forefathers' idealism--through Kundalini. I will further explain my position on natural drugs, religion, and other such topics tomorrow. I have rattled on too long already. I will close by saying thank you to everyone involved in bringing this mailing list into existence, and to everyone participating in it. It has meant a lot to me. I welcome everyone's comments--don't worry, I'm not so sensitive I can't take constructive criticism. Just be tactful. I want all the input I can get. Hope to hear from you all soon. Thanks for listening, Melissa

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