The evening before things started, I had had a difficult argument with a friend online. Driving home on my scooter.. I surrendered. I had such a strong urge to just let it all go. I told "God" that I will just drop everything and leave it in his hand. The following night I had dreams about dying. I was sitting in a cage, and allowed myself to be shot with a rifle, and then conciously died.. Then I reappeared in another room.. Ok, lets die again.. And again.. and again.. So I kept dieing. It was the most relaxing and liberating dream I had had in my life up until then.

Then the next day, I am sitting at the table in the living room, eating cereal for breakfast. I am idly browsing through a book that has a chapter about awakenings. POW! Suddenly my whole world changes. No lights or angels or anything like that. It simply shifts. And following that comes a very powerful thought. "What if I am waking up, what if I get mad and lose control completely? " The shockwave of fear was.. unbeliavable. Unavoidable. I was completely paralyzed. What the heck! Every single day before that I was soo fluffy and joyful. Later that day, I felt a crawling sensation along my back, a kind of lightly crawling, tingling heat. I had no idea what it was, but it freaked me out too.

I had read briefly about the Kundalini before.. Amusingly enough Gopi Krishna's book. Now -that- was quite some way to set off all those fears huh? I started studying like crazy about this topic, hoping to find consolation that it was nothing risky or dangerous that could happen to me. Wherever I turned I read about people who went mad, or completely lost control, or had outrageous out of body experiences. At this time, I was in contact with an older woman online, who was a very strong psychic. I explained her about my fears and what I felt, and she told me it was "Spirit" waking up and I had to let go.

The crawling feeling and “dancing” lights along my back continued. Nothing could console or comfort me. The same night when I went to bed, I didn’t sleep all night. It just wasn’t possible.. If I fell asleep or relaxed, I’d die or lose control. When I finally did fall asleep, around 6 in the morning, it was a concious sleep, like a bizarre, mushy meld of waking and sleep. I had a vision of my spine being illumined like a flourscent light, and I was showing it to a group of martial arts master, and explained to them what it was.

Then I got in touch with the yoga center I was taking classes at and asked the teacher,a young lady if she had any idea what the sensations I had was. Though I played it all down, a lot. I trivialized everything as less than it felt, as if I didn’t “deserve” to have the experiences, for some bizarre reason. Especially, since they freaked me out at the same time? She said she didn’t have them, but wished she would, and referred me to the old Swami who started the school here. I got in touch with him on the phone, and he proved to be a very sweet and compassionate man (He leads the yoga teacher training I am now undergoing) He told me a lot of things about the Kundalini, and that I shouldn’t worry, because it awakens slowly and naturally in most people. And he taught me how to become a witness.

I felt better for a while. But the fears kept coming back again and again. It came to the intensity that I was afraid I would suddenly “realize” that everything was different. Which, I already had. It took over a year to digest this stuff and get through it. 9/11 came, and on the same day my girlfriend (now wife) was on a flight arriving here in Sweden. Now, at this point I had become pretty good at avoiding my inner experience and escaping outwards a bit. Now suddenly the external world freaked me out as well. War, terror and who knows what else. This was a big turning point, because I had nowhere to run. In the course of a few months, most of the fears were cleared.

But the energy sensations didn’t stop. In fact, they grew in intensity. I started feeling specific points, along the spine, and between my eyebrows, and at the top of my head. Things were smoother though. I’ve had many lucid dreams, seen mandalas, yantras and astral travelling, even met a few gurus on the way. I took a mantra initiation, which seemed to help give some rest to my mind for some time. Things were pretty quiet.

2004 they picked up again. During christmas, each time I sat down for my daily meditation, my left foot and neck would start to ache horribly. They never did so if I just sat, only if I meditated. It was very confusing. I was at this time in touch with another swami, who I was taking violin classes from. He told me that the pains could be karma. I didn’t realize that physical pains could be karma. He introduced me to a mantra and a visualization that would clear karma from my throat area where I was feeling so much aching. The same night when I went to sleep, I had lucid dreams, and saw the throat chakra. It was a spinning wheel, with smaller and smaller wheels inside it going to infinity. It had sounds, spinning and clicking. The next morning, the pain was gone in the neck, as if it hadn’t existed.

During this period, I was introduced both to a new age community and to the k-list. I found out that there were thousands of others who were going through things like this. Not just a few isolated nutballs (lol) After this clearing in my neck, I became sensitive.. Oh so sensitive. The house I had lived in for over a year has traffic next to it. Never bothered me. Suddenly it did. All the noises were driving me nuts. Loud conversations, people talking in cell phones. I started having anger attacks. I would suddenly stop doing something and go and hide in a corner to sulk like a petulant child. At this point I knew about the awakening and the Kundalini, but couldn’t bring myself to fully accept it. Somehow I felt I was not worthy.

I entered into a Lightworker phase. All this stuff I was going through.. Ah I was so special, here to heal and lead and fix other people. Teach the muggles a bit, huh? At this point I had run into Mystress who gave me a few good whackings. I’d gotten a bit crooked. ?

This year I started to experience what Mystress calls Kriyas. The most intense ones was when I had very strong lucid dreams/visions in the middle of the night and I would always wake up moaning and screaming like I was in the pit of hell, and yet feel peaceful afterwards. In one, I was instructed how to “pop the membrane and pierce the veil” and was facing an onslaught of symbolic images flushing through my mind’s eye. In the distance, I heard a scream, and was wondering who was screaming. Then I was “sucked” into the scream and woke up screaming like I was dying. 15 minutes later I fell asleep completely peaceful. I would wake up getting “electric shocks” in my spine, like someone had put car starting cables at the top of my head and to my butt and cranked up the power. Or wake up with a feeling that the whole body was buzzing, sparkling and humming. Once it was a buzzing feeling combined with the feeling of a hose being inserted into the bottom of my spine, being pressed upwards. A “daily” kriya that still occurs sometimes is a spontaneous contraction of the PC muscle and/or anal sphincter, that sends a charge of sexual energy up my spine and into my head. Sometimes it even keeps me warm when it’s cold, or brings me clarity when I feel nervous.

The most beautiful experience I had was when I went deep into a very clear, quiet space, past an ocean of babbling voices, and could fully manifest and experience music, without any external stimuli. The experience still rings clear in me.. and the message that was given. “Gustaf, you can create and experience anything. Just make your pick”

Taking the Tummo initation and learning the grounding technique, a lot of things changed. My life somehow started to become more smooth again. I felt that night that I had finally come to terms with the Kundalini. A lot of things were cleared, and it was confirmed that the Kundalini was active inside me, and what I truly needed to do was to enjoy life. Of course, there has been more old baggage coming up for airing since then, not all of it fun at all.

So why am I sharing this story? I just feel it needs to be expressed, because of all the stuff being brought up, because of all the things the ego voice babbles when I asked it about the serpents.

• I’m not good enough for the Kundalini. It only happens to sincere Swamis
• No! You need to work more!

• Yes! No! Yes! No!

Then the heart voice pipes up. “Is it not obvious? Look back at your life. Look back at what people have told is happening. Just relax and enjoy. Let goddess handle the process.”

Listening to the heart voice is fairly new to me. Clearing entities is new to me too. I feel naked. Ego tells me that I don’t deserve the K, that it wouldn’t happen to me. Despite that both inner and outer guidance has already showed me it’s sparked. So what have I been doing especially last year? I practiced yoga like a jack-russel terrier. Just a little bit more. Just a bit more.. THEN I can rest and leave the rest to Goddess.. Just need to makes sure. Just a little bit more. Then Mystress whacked me on the head. Then Wife whacked me on the head. Then Mystress whacked me on the head. Again. Something rattled.

The heart voice laughs with infinite patience, not interfering even for a moment in the drama. “Gustaf! Stop already you silly dork. “ It’s a nice thing for the limited ego to cling to, isn’t it? That I am not good or deserving enough, that I need to work harder for it. Keeps it there.. Then the heart voice tells me. “Gustaf, even the –ego- is tired of this, it wants nothing else but a nice retirement” Earlier I was afraid the awakening was taking place and didn’t want it at all, then I became afraid it was –not- taking place. What incredibly silly things I express in my life sometimes.

Do you wanna know what the karma looks like? It used to be a tight little ball. Now it looks like a blown up junk yard and trash heap of nonsense. It keeps moving up into the light. I had a wonderful experience about entities and the astral dimensions, that probably, too helped set this off. I saw a big space with a bunch of debris swirling around in it. All those entities, astral travel, visions, healing and other things is also debris.. The debris is my scattered energy, scattered mind. When I had this experience it appeared to me that floating around in the astral world is not much better than getting distracted by ads and soap operas on the TV. Like you say Mystress, everybody needs a hobby.. I was wearing myself out in the process.

It feels incredibly liberating to share this. I’ve only spoken about it in fragments, with fears of judgement riding alongside. The ego voice of not being good enough to trust. I even feel hesitation of sending this post. It’s all going into retirement in my little junkyard.. And up it goes.

Amusingly enough, during last year, I craved more and more of these astral experiences, but during those time, I had none. It’s as if Goddess was watching my back, making sure I didn’t get caught in them. (Because when I craved them, I would have!)

Now back to the center of my being, to the heart, and let the Shakti do her work. I feel her shifting inside the central channel. Just need to get out of the way. In fact, I think I will go into retirement. I have been treated with so much love the whole time.