To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/11/06 22:41
Subject: [K-list] Nothing Doing
From: Diamondsutra
On 2004/11/06 22:41, Diamondsutra posted thus to the K-list:
Hello All:
Lately I've missed tuning into the list. I just posted to Gustaf which
shares a bit of what has been happening for me but feel to share a bit more
here.
It seems there was a habitual way of living that absolutely dropped in
order for the habit of smoking to drop. I have been so "fragile and
tenuous" in the process that there has been nothing in me strong enough to
speak about it with any certainty.
When the smoking stopped there arose in me a desperate and all
consuming "need for man as companion/lover". The fact that this fall has
been a particularly rainy and somewhat drear one (interspersed with a few
awesomely clear and dazzlingly colourful days) and that I am living in a
small community of largely non-like minded people, if you will, in which
aloneness is my closest companion, made this desiring man seem
more.....right??
But of course desire is desire and caused quite a bit of burning and unrest
until I saw clearly that most of my love connections with man had been coming
from a place of addictive need and "getting something for my self" and that
the "need for man" was just ---another habitual addictive response of self
causing a "distortion" of my beingness. And---dare i whisper....that desire
dropped.
Also novel reading, which had been a bit my lifestyle with the 6 cigarettes
each evening,----that dropped! I've always loved reading and during the 25
years of spiritual "searching" I read all the 'spiritual books". Then after
k arose in l99l, I stopped the reading and when k permitted some easy space
about 6 years later I began reading novels, as I felt clear I was no longer
searching, having found more than what I "thought" I was looking for.
So now and here.....there's just nothing doing. No visitors, no
connections with friends, although a real friendliness with so many people in
town 30 minutes away, and with all the fellow humans interdependent with my
life who help me on this planet, ie. librarians, acupuncturist, kundalini
doctor, massage therapist, people in shops and stores and where I pay
rent...etc. and on and on and on....there is no intimate friend or companion
and rare visits in town with my daughter and granddaughters.
Oh yes, and blessedly there is a small group of people who get together on
sunday afternoons, last sunday of each month, to share...to speak from their
experiences of their interior lives in spirit (if I said that rightly). They
are all Course in Miracle people and I know nothing of course in Miracles nor
do i really want to (so many books!. I say this to them but they say truth
is truth and they love it that I come and the sharing is very warm and
close. Some of them are into John DeRuiter and we have that in common. We
potluck afterwards and I have to say that is nourishing and connecting for
me, even though I drive half hour to get to town where they are.
So..I am just enjoying this aloneness as there seems to be no edge to it
(touch wood) just relaxation and rest and doing what needs to be done. I'm
reading one book --Lord of the Rings--again for the 9th time in this life.
And I bought the videos. Does anyone see a holy truth going on in Lord of
the Rings?
If anyone can relate than i welcome hearing from you. I am so grateful for
this list. Thanks for reading this rambling wrote.
love and blessings, deesutra
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