To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/11/04 23:56
Subject: [K-list] Walking meditation: Forward from Guy
From: Druout
On 2004/11/04 23:56, Druout posted thus to the K-list:
Dear List,
This is a forward from Guy, who is having trouble posting. guy3rdAThotmail.com
Love, Hillary
11.04.04 I wanted to comment on what I call 'working meditation', which might
also fall under the category of 'moving meditation'. In the prelude to my
awakening in the fall of 1972, I was working on the ability to learn body
movements. I was fascinated by the body's capacity to learn a movement so well that
the body did the entire operation without thinking about it.
I had a lot of supressed anger at that time so my choices were the use of
weapons. I lived on an Island with only one other boy my age, and our daily play
consisted of throwing knives, hatchets, shooting at cans with rifles and
swordfighting. My practice evolved into creating precise repetition of movement.
When I threw the hatchet in precisely the same way each time, it would land in
the same spot. By choosing to shift the exact spot where my feet were located,
without changing the power or movement, I could move the point of impact to a
specific place on the target, and with each throw the hatchet would usually
land in the same spot. I also becaome aware that thinking about any portion of
what I was doing threw off my aim. As this 'art of precision' movement became
consistant, I added in a new dimension: I blindfolded myself, throwing at the
target, retrieving the hatchet, turning and walking back to the spot from which
I threw, repositioning myself and throwing again. This required intense
awareness of where my body was in space at all times. My focus on this internal
awareness led me to the discovery of internal energy and ultimately to my
kundalini awakening. This acquired ability to maintain my location in space later
served me very well in navigation in fog and bad weather and saved my life in a
hurricane as a fisherman on the Georges banks. My navigational instruments all
failed and I was able to navigate over 150 miles in 80 ft seas, arriving at
dawn in front of Montauk light. I had unwittingly created a crack in the veil by
becoming One with my ship, the ocean, my self and my destination.
I began to experience this Oneness as intution as to where and when to fish,
and for mundane tasks like mending nets or shovelling fish. These jobs
transported me into altered states. I also had a land job of building wooden boats
and ships with a specialty in fine joinery or cabinet work. This work, too,
began to create altered states and I would have the sensation that I was being
taken over by a powerful force that guided my hands in creating workmanship
beyond my intellectual capacity to understand. Eventually I took a leap of faith
and learned to trust my capacity to think and trust the outcome without any
words in my head. I was able to design hulls of ships or interiors in a three
dimensional world within my mind. I had learned to think and act in every facet of
my life in silence, except communication with my fellow man when I was
required to speak or write. Simultaneously, i had gained an awareness of the
importance of breathing long, deep, slow breaths while retaining at either end of the
in and out parts, as a diver at the age of 12. This skill was crucial to all
the awarenesses that followed.
My head was filled with light and my body a beautiful pleasure of bliss. I
felt no pain but had numerous accidents. I simply overcame the discomfort that
accompanied those and went on, but something was not right in that; why was I
having bazarre accidents that I had no control over? Another odd thing was
that, though I overflowed with this loving energy, I felt no compassion for my
pain, or that of others, and love had no personal quality. I could feel the same
loving energy with any partner I chose and suffered not the slightest pang of
pain when I left. Every long term relationship had ended with a gradual end to
sexuality not inspired by my intent. I continued to want sex five or six
times every day. Relationships always started out with the mate appearing to be
exactly what I was looking for, and offered elements different from the previous
relationship. The women gave themselves to me and we would have sex untill
drunk with bliss, but then series of excuses would emerge and I would be
understanding for a period of time, until one day I would have had enough and leave.
I always blamed my partner without the slightest knowledge that I had any
piece in the dynamic, or that they were reacting to my deeply supressed anger
toward female figures. My awakeneing allowed me to remain aloof from the feelings
of those whom I supposedly loved. What I did not see did not exist to me, and
I was not able to access my deepest, damaged emotions or the reactions that
came from them.
One day, at forty years old, and 18 years after my awakening, I was doing a
contract for a woman cutting out wooden toys on my band saw. I had for many
years seen the energy in everthing, but it was a simple mild background to the
physical presence. On this day everything became nothing but energy, and the
outlines of mattter disappeared. I could not do the work for fear of cutting off
my hands. I broke down and cried. Gut wrenching sobs from a man who had never
felt anything. The woman for whom I had been working told me that I was
obviously emotionally damaged and needed to release the pain. I did not have a clue
what she was talking about, but decided I would listen to her and see for
myself. I lived in constant bliss and could not understand how I could be in
emotional pain. My upbringing had been often cruel, but who cared, it wasn't that
bad and I had left it all behind in my late teens. Shaleia, my new friend, told
me that I was not real. I was baffled because I had made up a perfectly
acceptable personality, so she demonstrated by giving affection and then
withholding it and being critical of me and playing a technique of giving love and
taking it away (mimicing the behavior of my very damaged mother). I started to feel
worthless and angry, and more and more like a child. My emotions got out of
my control and she laughed and said that when I healed my emotions nothing that
she did could knock me from my bliss. It was a horrible process because
before I could heal I had to learn to feel, and only then could I explore within to
find the source of the pain and anger. My initial emotional work felt like
giving birth. I was in emotional agony and completely out of control.. She told
me I must surrender to Goddess and I was revolted by the idea of there being a
female Goddess, let alone that I had not a clue how to surrender. I felt
needy and weak, not at all how I had seen myself ever before (that I was aware). I
had been a leader of men who would follow me into the very jaws of death,
laughing with glee as I pitted will, intellect, and brawn against the worst
nature could offer. I, after all, had been aware for many years that I was God
himself and that the game of life and death was but a way to enjoy the thrill of
life.
I had to allow this breakdown of all that I thought I was and not grab for
the tempting safety of eternal bliss. This was real, and yet I did not even know
of its existence. To my mind, emotions were primitive animal defences
indulged in only by the weak of mind and women, and here I was crying like a child,
trapped in pain and helpless. What had gone wrong? From everything I had read,
this state of bliss I lived in was enlightenment, and not feeling pain was an
integral part of that state of being. Slowly, I surrendered up this pain in
flashes of how all my decisions and behaviors had revolved around this pain,
justified through the external rationalizations of intellect. These flashes were
like life passing before my eyes as one experiences moments before death.
Deeper and deeper I traveled into layer upon layer of cover-ups, but then the
process started to become easier, with less specific attachments to individual
moments and more large pieces of unidentified junk processed and defused. After
four years, this process stopped and I began to feel healed. Triggers still
came up in the routine of life and I processed and released them. Some were big
transitions and some were of little consequence, but I felt balanced and no
longer broke stride. I learned to become unattached to both the pain and the joys
of life, but also was fully present in living every moment of this short
journey called LIFE. Goddess is no longer a difficult word. I know Goddess to be
the energy I call the 'life force' as opposed to the energy of the universe as
a whole. This is a differentiation, for the purpose of discussion, and I seek
not to signify it as a duality. For me, though the life force is the knowledge
behind all life and contains the knowledge of reproduction of all species, I
have also learned to love with compassion as Goddess would allow in complete
and blissful surrender.
>From my Heart
Guy
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