To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/10/25 04:25
Subject: [K-list] My story, in brief summary
From: Willpane511
On 2004/10/25 04:25, Willpane511 posted thus to the K-list:
I am a 32- year-old male and 14 years ago I had an extremely tumultuous
awakening at age 18. It came about as the result of a "bad trip" as it's called on
LSD. At the time I felt as though I must have fried myself on account of me
not coming back to normal reality and my "old self" once about a day's time had
elapsed and the trip had been given plenty of chance to be over with. So
frantically I found myself calling drug hotline/poison control centers to try and
get information on just what in hell was going on. Crisis isn't even a word
that begins to describe what I found myself in. So this guy at the poison control
center told be I could be experiencing "neurological damage" and one
indication would be "muscle twitches". So this set the stage for me really falling
into the equivalent of 1 Million Despairs...my life was over
from all I could see as it was, and this phone call had confirmed my fears
and explained why I was not coming back to normal, since I had the worst muscle
twitching going on imaginable!! They would come in waves constantly or get in
one area and not stop, they were QUITE severe. Along with other weird physical
symptoms(grinding/popping in neck and in most every other joint of my body,
shaky hands/legs were among the most obvious). I couldn't eat, my mind was a
wreck out to sea, I felt like a candle that had just been snuffed out, all life
drained. I was a smoking crater and shell of what I knew to be myself, reality
was drab and dull and totally destroyed before my eyes, the world had ceased
to be. I had been dropped into an underworldly dimension and nothing mattered
anymore, nothing could make me laugh ever again and all interest was gone
away. So at the time I was living with my mother and to add to the complications
we were going to be moving to a new house out of state in a couple of weeks, in
which time I was still in as bad of mental shape as ever. I think the utter
hellishness was magnified 100 times in going to that new town and trying to
cope with all that additional stress. In fact it was far more than I could
reasonably endure under the circumstances; it was like I could see through my haze
how things could be enjoyable if I just had my old self back, but it was too
late and my soul was filled with undying regret for what I had done to myself. I
was mourning the death of myself. At any rate I was in psychosis and after
about 3 MONTHS of this I finally admitted myself into a psychiatric unit(after
numerous doctor visits and consultations with psychologists and all else had
failed). So I checked in and stayed about a week the first time, got out because
I felt things had settled down, then the old thoughts/fears started in again
and I could feel myself coming unhinged a little more all the time until it
was full-blown once more. I couldn't sleep at all, and I was in excrutiating
mental torture and pain. My stomach was tied in knots and my whole body was tense
to the point of giving out, complete nervous exhaustion, yet my mind could
never allow me any rest or a moment's peace. My mouth was dry and my face drawn,
I had lost considerable weight and I had no strength in my constant inner
struggle to bathe, nor did I care how bad I smelled. I felt like a madman, but
still afraid of the true schizophrenics in my vicinity. And after a release from
the hospital a second time, this having been a two week stay, I was
stabilized once more this time with the aid of a low dose antipsychotic. After about
nine months of taking this stuff, I ended up taking too much one day and had a
bad reaction, and from then on I took no more. But I had been afraid to
discontinue it, for fear I would relapse, and that was the last thing I wanted. Five
months total of this acute psychosis had nearly done me in, and I had returned
to a state of "quasi-normality" I felt, at least I was feeling comfortable
again and was out of agony. My old interests had started to return, though in a
different context, I tried to carry on as normally as I could. At least I
could smile again. Naturally however, it was good my body was rejecting the
medication and I got the hint to quit it. During my out of control period, in which
the energy was most powerfully active before it simmered down, I had a myriad
of other signs/symptoms, such as: a feeling of a substance "pouring" upwards
into my head from the inside of my neck at the base of my skull at the
brainstem, geometric/psychedelic patterns upon closing eyes(accentuated by putting
slight pressure on eyelids), general heightened sensitivity of nerves(such as
pins/needles when in warm water, hyperstimulated skin sensation), seeing of "big
blue circles" and other flashes or sparks of light quite frequently, a
"strobe" effect in vision where light flashes rapidly on/off in the darkness of a
room, "afterimages" "burned" into retina of objects perceived giving almost an
"electrical" quality to things(primarily in room with artificial light at
night), a shifting or wavy quality to things such as a doorway when fixated upon, an
incessant ringing/rushing sound in ears(most noticed in dominant side ear),
and "prana sparkles" in the air seen plainly in daylight. It was these little
white fast moving dots of light that I had noticed from day one also, and
thought it was something that hadn't "worn off yet" like the rest of my
drug-induced situation. But one day about two years after this all began I was looking
through New Age-type books that happened to be around the house and found
reference to these things I was seeing in the air (called prana, life-force) and I
then finally began to realize that I had not been just "messed up" as I had
still feared, in not really knowing what had happened, and always still wondering
why I was changed and not "as before" anymore, and so a sense of relief began
to come over me as things started to make more sense. So from this day
forward I knew that an awakening had taken place for which I had not planned and was
not prepared for, undoubtedly kundalini as it totally and completely blew the
doors wide open for me. Had this not happened to me personally firsthand I
never would have believed in such a thing being possible, it would have sounded
to me as unbelievable as "spontaneous human combustion" sounds ...but now it
is hard to believe anybody could doubt the existence of these forces in
mankind, especially in the medical community. Anyone who doesn't believe it just
doesn't have a clue is all I can say! This energy is as real as electricity or
fire and those who have been "lit up" will damn sure know it! I only just wish
mainstream society recognized this. I'm sure I could've had a much more fruitful
and beneficial turnout of my experience if this thing were common knowledge
and people (doctors) weren't ignorant of it. As it stands now, I really haven't
seen much (if any) of the bliss and upward mobility that should be attendant
of an awakening of this nature. I am wondering if perhaps someone on this site
may have some way of assisting a person such as myself in trying to find more
of the positive that is meant to come from this event, rather than my
tendency to want to "sweep it under the rug" and pretend it never happened, which is
easier to do. It would simply be nice if maybe one day I could say that this
happening to my life was clearly a good thing and it actually fulfilled it's
purpose, by almost killing me back then, for a noble reason later. Thanks for
reading. Peace....
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