To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/10/06 10:40
Subject: [K-list] The Last Stone (kundalini awakening)
From: chelle lake
On 2004/10/06 10:40, chelle lake posted thus to the K-list:
hi everyone,
my name is Chelle.
last year i had my first kundalini experiance and like many i had no idea what was happening to me atall.
i was doing meditation to try to gain some help for my depression and lack of motivation,my life had been full of stresses and pain.
i was brought up in childrens homes had parents who hurt me and i felt so alone.
i was never like anyone else around me i never felt like a normal child as my personal life was full of fighting to survive physical abuse aswell as sexual abuse.
so i grew up not fitting in to any place and ran away from the childrens homes.
at the age of 12 i tried to kill myself,because i felt so tired of trying to live and was so unwanted.
i took tablets from one of the girls rooms who lived in the home i was staying in at that time.
i counted as i took the tablets as i knew from watching tv that i needed to take quite alot for it to be effective.
i took 62 tablets altogether..layed back on the top bunk bed and for the first time in my young life i experianced peace.
i fell asleep and awaoke falling off the bunk onto the floor vomiting violently all over the place.
it wasnt til later that i found out i had actually consumed 62 contraceptive pills!
so life went on.
i was in a assessment center at 15 years old and had made my first friend life was improving but after her going home on her weekend allowment i was told the following day she had died.
nicky was the same age as myself and had gone to her parents house friday night then gone out with her friend and after falling and banging her head she was knocked unconscious and choked to death.
i was in shock for a awhile and accused of being cold hearted by the other girls,but i was so shocked that i couldnt take it in for awhile.
nicky and i had talked alot about things,she was a blonde who used to dye her hair black because she loved suzie and the banshies.
nicky told me in a casual conversation that if she ever died she wanted to come back as a black bird..fitting for her as she was a gothic chick i suppose.
anyway afew weeks after her death as i walking along the corridor that had long glass windows i was amazed to see sitting on the window ledge outside right next to me,a beautiful black bird..it sat and looked at me awhile..and then flew away.
my parents were quite strange in comparison to most and when i was young aged around five years my father used to say things like:its the end of the world today but you have to go to school,i would wonder how i could run home in time to be with my family.
at the age of 8yrs something very strabge happened to me..my sister who was 18 months younger at the time and i had decided to swap beds for the night.
my mum was carrying her into the room as we had been out somewhere til late and she was fast asleep,mum was about to put my sis in her own bed when i remembered our deal earlier so mum put my sis in my bed instead..still fully clothed so as not to interupt her sleep.
i got into my sisters bed and fell asleep.
i woke later and as i glanced up into the corner above the bed i saw my sister standing above me,eyes wide and expressionless face still wearing the same clothes and not denting the bed with her weight.
i quickly looked over at my bed..and there my sister was sound asleep.
the experiance made me think more about our astral body and i put a theory together that because my sister was not aware that we were in the wrong beds her astral body became confused when it was returning to her physical body.
another time when i was 16 years old and going through a trauma in my life i cried myself to sleep one night not knowing how i would be able to cope with the following day when i had a strange dream..i was in a room but there were no walls as such it was pure white through out..i was floating and wearing white also.
a voice was talking to me as i floated around telling me everything would be alright and that when i woke i would feel strong...and when i awoke i did...though i still had to go through things it seemed to take off the bulk of my anguish at that time...it has never happened again.
i wanted to share some of my life so that i could better explain my experiances i guess.
so there i was last year aged 30 going through depression i had left my partner of ten years after violent behavior and had settled into my current home after being in womens refuges with my three children.
i was trying hard to keep it together and be a good mum but depression was always there and even the littlest things were hard work.
so i started meditation and was told by a friend that focussing on my throat chakra would stimulate my will to get me moving again.
one evening during my medative focus something amazing and scarey to me at that time happened..as i lay there with my eyes closed and body completely relaxed i could feel my throat chakra opening up wider and wider until it seemed like a revolving enitity much larger than my own throat itself..then all of a sudden a face larger than my own started to come out of my face..it was golden yellow with static sparky particles running through it..hard to explain exactly..anyway this face had a smile that was wider than my whole head!
i got scared as it was such a surprise and as soon as my thoughts came in it was gone.
afew weeks after that i was coming down stairs from the bathroom and as i reached the landing i looked around at everything but things didnt seem right somehow..even the lamp light seemed wrong.
i went down stairs and it was the same with all objects in my house,they looked pretend and even my precious books seemed to hold nothing knowledgable no meaning.
i sat awhile feeling very odd but not feeling bad atall..i looked out the window and the houses across the street were more like lego land or a miniture railway model including the trees...i knew though that the little souls inside were the only thing real..and felt giggly at the thought of them sitting in those funny boxes we call houses.
a sensation came over my body starting from the toes and working its way up..it was like a wave of freezing water like i was being submerged until the crown of my head was under and then going in reverse it took my breath away..after a while i couldnt tell if it were hot or cold..it was very strong and i had no idea what was happening to me atall.
my arms felt like they wanted to stretch out(rather like spiderman when he throws his web)
when i closed my eyes i was swinging somehow...my stomach was turning it was beautiful but i felt if i closed my eyes for any longer i would fly away somewhere.
i couldnt hold a thought atall..when i tried to define what was happening i couldnt get hold of my mind to make a decision on it like i had forgotten where my mind was..it took me afew weeks after the experiance to be able to translate what had happened into words.
i noticed that although it seems hard to explain the air i breathed would only go so far like my nostrils were blocked from the sinus area.
i tried to drink water yet felt like i was an astronaught trying to down a bubble..it didnt feel "natural" to drink atall.
and also i noticed that if i moved one hand over the other and then took it away i left a piece of energy from that hand with the other hand..i played with energy and passed it over my hands and was able to feel it like it was solid.
the experiance lasted afew hours and slowly became less until it was gone.
for awhile i was in awe of the experiance and wanted it to return but it didnt and i became depressed again and felt sorry for myself and wondered if i'd blown it.
when i tried to meditate after that time my mind was getting in the way and i was full of expectations....that stopped its return.
i had been living in ground hog day everyday for a long time not doing anything with my life,i felt i couldnt be good at life and couldnt be motivated or strong..my house work suffererd and i became very social phobic,i hated going to school with my kids and wore a hat and heavy coat even in the summer..i kept my head down so no one would say hello and i felt worthless inside,thats how life was for me.
one night i had a dream it was very short and very real,i dreamt my oldest daughter then aged 9 yrs asked me my age,i replied that i was 30 yrs old..she said my friend says your going to die when your 31.
i awoke sitting up in bed sweating and disturbed by the dream.
i then tried to move myself forward by stopping smoking and tackling other issues..but it was very hard and lacked momentum..one day i was just standing in the lounge when i experianced the wave of energy again after a month or so....i loved it and felt excited...i had a feeling i could give everything up that i struggled with at that very second...anything....but then my ego and fear tried to tell me that if i did i would break my back trying aand end up having a nervous breakdown..i felt trapped like one half of me was frozen in another dimension and the other half here in the physical world..i didnt know what to do i couldnt go somewhere quiet and reflect i had 3 kids and a life to try to keep up with...i cried and felt so angry and confused and lost...i decided not to meditate anymore as i couldnt run to the hymalayas and become a monk i had to be here and there was no time for me to develop.
after i made my decision i felt much better partly i think because my ego was relieved....i came to terms with things and realized that it would take time to have a spiritual mind in a physical life..however..
i did start doing things..i studied hard and got my diploma for curative hypnotherapy i started driving lessons and i stopped wearing my hat to school,i realised that the dream i had about dying at 31 means that my old programmed self is leaving me and im evolving into the person i'm meant to become...i feel better about myself and my life and i'm trying things...and when you try its amazing how grace seems to help you along.
im becoming enlightened without going through insanity to get me there...gradually,and because i chose a job that would help others i feel i have a purpose and am not to worthless as i used to think i was...i'm sorting through my old habits and patterns and re programming them into positive actions..yes i still find life hard at times but i can see how things weave together and how destiny helps to lay the path ahead...once the seeds are sown and watered and start to grow.
i still struggle with my tasks but i dont hate myself for it anymore..i'm more gentle with myself now.
it was a gift that i was given and my mind couldnt handle it...how could it?it only knows this realm afterall...the gift is always there and comes in different ways i noticed afterwards my poetry was greatly improved..and i used to be rather clumsy but seemed to go through a stage of catching things with faster reflexes than normal.
i believe the kundalini unblocked something inside me and i started going for things instead of being scared of them...barriers were knocked down by it i think.
and i know i have mny things to learn in my life now rather than thinking why me..i see that i had to go through painful times to arrive right here right now..and that everything happens for a very good reason.
i think the best approach with the kundalini (and with anything else in life)is to expect nothing for if your always expecting something then your labelling what you hope to get...and the truth is its beyond our understanding..we can only point to the sign post but we cant clearly translate it....i am now agnostic..meaning i admit to knowing nothing..and its paying off for me...better to be the leaf that falls when its time..the wind will carry you...let it...only when you fight the breeze will things come undone.
its an ongoing lesson and grace is in every experiance even those we think are "bad" become something we can learn from....
may the lights apon your own path be green and good to go,
blessings,
midnight x
ps. if anyone would like any help or to discuss anything you can mail or add me with kissed_by_midnightATyahoo.co.uk thanks :)
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