To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/10/04 18:11
Subject: [K-list] Re: A Series of Thoughts - Rene's comment
From: barb wallace
On 2004/10/04 18:11, barb wallace posted thus to the K-list:
I have only a vague amount of time or I shall be late and I share seldom
since here and now feels the longest darkest night within a very dark
soul. I would like to comment on Rene's very astute take on emotional
memory, which sometimes takes us to places described as 'implicit' vs.
'explicit' memory. Then, experiences, or emotions that we sense in
others will garner reactions and responses in us as if we are having
those very same memories or exp. ourselves. Thus, the deep empathy that
hypersensitives often feel when a child is being verbally abused - if we
held this experience as a child we react perhaps as an adult responding
to our own inner child.
In gathering, or beginning an inventory of my own experiences and the
descriptive catalyctic K awakening which occurred totally spontaneously
and without ANY frame of reference, I can see a distinct pattern that
you describe, Rene'. The big K announced itself, or seemed to, with
vivid recall and actual emotion of childhood trauma and 'failures,'
followed by a lifetime of repeating cycles. Then I let go. Ah, surrender
of resentment and a life of yuck, what blissful freedom! Not sure now,
after 8 months there, how to 'there' again...long and very very dark.
It's stuck and i'm nearly paralyzed, often awake wretchedly sobbing. If
one awakens, does one return to sleep? My big question.
Your take, Rene', seems so intrinsic to my own. Here's what I'm
discovering in my inventory, the force of my emotional content on bliss
and suffering. I am no sage. Please do know this is my inventory, so
personal I hesitate to share for to be kicked right now just might do me
in. I welcome comments, but please do so understanding that my place in
the moment is quite fragile. Be gentle with me on this dark night..
It is only with retrospection - in circling the end to distinguish a
beginning - that I realize each Exceptional Experience over my life has
been accompanied by emotional pain and rejection. These difficult
emotions have served as a willing companion - in precursor or aftermath,
and at times, right in step at the oppositional heart of provocative and
profound joy. My EE's, times where my sensitivity moved beyond a
selfview to blend with a universal holistic loving view, have been many.
I am 47. Consequently, I can cite a lifetime of rejection and pain yet I
consider my life happy and myself quite so. For each experience has been
evolutionary and worthwhile; if bliss occurs at the sacrifice of love,
money, security and family, tribal or cultural acceptance, I am a
willing victim, a lamb suckling for slaughter. Yet need it be so?
Perhaps, in this writing, the most compelling is the one I tell me. The
cycle evolves, circumventing itself to find itself - an origin that
returns like a recursive algorithmic sum whose factors are related -
without beginning or end - then finally escapes from its bracketed set.
As Churchill said: "This is neither the end nor the beginning, but it
may be the end of the beginning."
But, it's mathematically impossible, for the algorithm cannot by its
very nature, escape to stand alone. Alone, its sum is just another
number, stagnant, no longer its recursive self, born of change. Or so
I'm led to believe. So I accept that the same vulnerability, trust,
sensitivity and faith in others that often land me in the life's void of
betrayal are the very same properties necessary in my soul's delightful
equation. These properties may lend to a life of suffering but lift or
expand the “beginner´s mind’ to a pinnacle to behold - no, to bathe and
immerse with a sudden infusion of the magical marvel of love and
delight, of something bigger than myself. This compassionate integrity,
for me, is the fabric of loving truth of the universe and all within. I
can run but I certainly cannot hide and indeed, in this, the truth sets
me free....
Yet while I know, /I know /I am nothing in this reduced state where I
accomplish so little, where my productivity is less than. I know, */I
know /*with a perfect understanding that I am everything. I know the
stark beauty of Vedic stanza and the teachings of Jesus lessons, the
divine endless possibilities of choosing resurrection not as a state of
being after death, but as a way of living that indeed occurs in the wink
of an eye. I am worthless yet my worth was absolutely declared - just as
yours. I am divine as are you for the 8-month journey was one where the
only clarity was that of the divinity in all. All people. All things. I
seek and do not find a word for this thread which weaves truth and love
equally into a divine order beyond our customary 'reality.' Perhaps
physicist David Bohm called it "implicate order," or it empassioned
Albert Einstein to quest for a "unified field theory." Christians may
term this state of love as "agape" and New Age lightworker descriptions
range from etheric body to light to Source. Taoists call it Tao, but
only to substitute, or perhaps substantiate, the unknown of the known
knowing so sacred, it goes without saying. There's a reverence there,
and I like the approach. For the origin is the binding thread and the
sage "keeps his jade close to his chest." I must agree, and for me, one
line of thinking is no more or no less true than any other. Just as each
prophet, wise sage or saint and assailant has served a role in an era's
enlightenment, and in the individual's. We choose on our tribal customs,
opt a role and dance and borrow a perspective to serve us for a season.
However, I fully agree with the aptness of the Biblical scripture as it
relates to cause and effect: "Blessed are the pure in heart; for they
shall see God."
I did. I saw God in every tree, branch, leaf, bug and every person I
encountered for eight months. It was the only thing I could see. It
motivated all that I did, though I never even thought it was God or a
Divine Order. It's really all there is and perhaps, all there ever was
or shall be. The rest is a shell. Mine broke, not because I am any
better or worse than the next guy, but because I invited change. The
break, born of a lifetime of emotional fractures. My motive was
self-serving but my intent was deeply pure and I moved toward it with
full purpose and stated intention. I wanted to do a better job at work.
I wanted to work smarter, not harder, and to do so I envisioned two
results. My work would help people. And it would help me. The work was
overwhelming, but I wasn't willing to give it less than my best. I
wanted to move the work out of the cyclical shells that our very system
worked so hard to create.
The same may be true for me.
Here, I approach this quest for understanding without frenzy and indeed,
with very little fear. There is little left.
Sunny, in the moment afraid but without fear
DISCLAIMER!
Home | Archive Index | Search the archives | Subscribe
K. List FAQ | Kundalini FAQs | Signs and Symptoms | Awakening Experiences | K. list Polls | Member Essays | Meditations | List Topics | Art Gallery | Cybrary | Sitemap | Email the moderators.
symbol.