To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/09/28 14:42
Subject: RE: [K-list] Full Moon?
From: Rose
On 2004/09/28 14:42, Rose posted thus to the K-list:
Sue,
I am struggeling with what seems to me the same kind of issues as you
mention.
>I am looking for that feeling of love to stay in my heart at all times,
>regardless of what goes on-- around me. Regardless of where I live or who
>with.
>I want to never NEED someone else to be or act a certain way... for me to
>feel full enough within. (Even to the point
>of needing to be loved or hugged or kissed or cuddled by a human.) I want
>to
>be able to carry that within so that I can
>be whole.
>Something is missing and I need some more puzzle pieces to fit in place.
Not to be emotionally dependent on others peoples actions, words, deeds.
Somebody else can never be responsible for filling my emptiness, for
enlighten my darkness. I know I create my emptiness and darkness by myself.
Things happen and how I respond to that on all levels is my responsibility.
Just seeing it with an open heart and compassion instead of judgment, that
is my goal. But sometimes my heart feels so closed. I had a relation during
13 years which had locked us in both, no personal growth was left for me,
only three kids. There was tolerance in the end, but no (self)love. After
our breakup last year I want to prove somehow that I can manage to grow/heal
to be complete and whole by myself. And when I miss the warmth and
tenderness, that missing fuels my perception that I am still not there.
But on the other hand, it could be that I do not love myself enough as I am.
That I feel myself not worthy enough to have a warm relation and a complete
family. Until I let go all doubt about myself and feel myself worthy for the
best, I probably will not attract what´s the best. And could it be the ego
that keeps on telling me that I need to prove that I can handle it all
alone? Trying to hold intact a situation of low self esteem and low self
love?
>I want others to learn from my deep struggle right now..
>so I ask, does what I say make sense, that's all.
>I make sense to me, I just don't seem to be able to
>take this to the next level for myself.
>That place of peace and no more depression.
>I feel like I'm so close and yet, what makes the difference that pushes it
>into that final peaceful resting place? That's what I'm searching for,
>what
>is stopping me is I've lost my map.
I am also expecting a new state of being that would make my life bright and
shining. Sometimes I have glimpses of what I hope this new state would look
like. Sometimes I feel myself great for hours of days, like I am walking on
sunshine. Sometimes I feel deep down, like the last 2 weeks. My mind knows I
am creating it myself, it´s only perception and self created depression. I
am responsible for my happiness, there is no one else I can make responsible
for that. Whatever happens, happens. How I relate to what happens, is how I
will feel. But in the dark days I somehow lose the connection, and I feel
down, down, down. Yesterday someone told me that the roadmap is one with
mountains on it. Without valleys no peaks. But when you are down you do not
see the peaks. Strange enough, it seems like the days before the full moon
always bring a lot of energy, not always peasant and the full moon brings a
kind of relief. What helps me is to look back and see what is my average
level of satisfaction during the last months. This really is a lot better
and more stabile than one year ago. That gives me faith for continuing
progression.
>That rings true for me, as I do think that it
>feels it is beyond a dead end relationship, especially in my case,
>as I have done the work & there is just something else that I need
>to let go of. I'm just not sure what that is.
>This darkness of the soul came on so fast and felt so deep, it almost
>feels like there is some superficiality to it. Now that is crazy in and of
>itself!
>But that is how it feels.
Somehow, I am thankful about what happened to me. If this would not have
happened, I would have lived my life moderate with little spiritual
progress. Now I experience high peaks and painful lows but I feel like I am
alive, having the opportunity to grow. It´s not the others, it´s me. I learn
that I am responsible for myself at all levels. Don´t know yet how to handle
that completely but I was invited to start exploring, try and error, and
grow, grow, grow. The most beautiful journey of life…
>If anyone has a peice of the puzzle that I don't know about on
>letting go of need in relationships...in life, in "k" please share. I'd
>really like not to have to look at this particular darkness again.
>Sue
Don´t know if this helps you Sue, but recognize so much in your story…
All the best,
Rose;
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