To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/08/24 00:47
Subject: [K-list] new to list - K and insomnia?
From: PJM
On 2004/08/24 00:47, PJM posted thus to the K-list:
Hi:
I just joined this listerve because I'm having a tremendous amount of difficulty with what a few others have told me was kundalini. I had never heard of kundalini until 8 months ago. Currently, my life is being ruined by insomia - my sleep patterns are non existent, and my body does not physically seem able to sleep anymore unless in a severely sleep deprived state. I've been a zen practitioner for seven years, and am a student at a well-known monastary in the US with highly regarded teachers. About 3 1/2 years ago, I started intensifying my sitting regimen to two hours every morning, which I maintained for three years. After the first year of my zazen practice, I started experiencing chronic energetic phenomena - mostly tears and crying (which felt more like a physiological rather than an emotional release) and involuntary tremors. Last fall, I noticed that I was starting to have trouble falling asleep. This was accompanied by and associated with a distinct feeling of being "wired" - an intense energetic feeling that would lodge in the back of my head that was perceptibly linked to my meditation practice. My insomnia was not due to worries, stress (I have a job that I love and work with great people), or compulsive/obsessive thought patterns. As the the fall rolled into winter, the insomnia intensified - by the end of december I was averaging 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night, and would often go two nights without sleeping at all. Sometimes during my sitting practice, the enregy in my head became very uncomfortable. Sometimes it felt like my brain stem was throbbing. Sometimes I would get this intense pressure in my head, feeling like my head was going to pop off of my body.
The lack of sleep started to be disruptive to my ability to function on the job. Initially in December, I was able to ameliorate the insomnia somewhat by ceasing my sitting practice. My teacher suggested I take up body practices - I started a simple daily quigong regimen, and revived an Ashtnga Yoga practice that I drifted away from five years ago (one-two days a week). Initially, ceasing zazen help restore my sleep. But then I foolishly went to a sesshin (an intensive retreat), something that I do 2-3 times/year. This I think intensified the insomnia to the point where it did not matter whether I did zazen or not.
I went to see a number of people to see if I could get any help with my insomnia - I went to an MD, which was of little help, spoke with a sleep psychologist. I then went to a Shaman. Amazingly, in two visits, at the end of January, my insomnia vanished. I still expereinced "energetic" difficulties - involuntary movements and tears in my sitting practice, but the energy in my head changed a bit so that it was no longer causing me insomnia.
I then switched jobs and moved halfway across the country. I resumed my zazen practice, this time only sitting one hour/day plus quigong, and yoga once or twice/week. About 4 weeks ago, the insomia returned, as has been constant ever since. Its now as intense as it has ever been - I go through crash cycles - awake for two or three nights, then crash for a night, then have a night of fitful sleep, then more sleepless nights. Sleeping pills used to help, but now the energy overrides these - they just make me feel dopey, but don't put me to sleep. Melatonin does not help. The Shaman that helped me is far away. I feel like I'm getting near the end of my rope, becuase my life is one big stuggle with sleeplessness right now. In addition to the insomnia, I get feelings of pressue/tension in my neck, chest, and head; involuntary movments in my neck and head, and occasional tingling/prickling sensations on the skin of my head and genitals.
I've now stopped doing zazen to see if that would help.
If this is kundalini, there is very little about it that I find enlightening - it is for me one big struggle, and a huge disappointment, because the spritual dimension of my life has become one of the most important things in my life. Other than a few "alternate reality" dreams (one of which was precognitive) and an episode of sleep paralysis - , this has been little more than a trial of endurance. I had no idea my practice would come to this sort of crisis - I get little help from my zen teacher - he once said he has no idea what is going on (an admission that I am somewhat disappointed with but also respect). As much as I have taken to Zen practice, Zen really does not have any kind of a roadmap for dealing with difficulties like this.
So I'd be interested on hearing from other folks who might have had expereinces similar to mine (at least in terms of insomnia, and what can be done to help)
Thanks so much for any suggestions or insights anyone can provide, and I'm grateful to have found this list!
Paul
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