To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/08/03 20:16
Subject: Re: [K-list] Kundalini and isolation
From: Lone Path
On 2004/08/03 20:16, Lone Path posted thus to the K-list:
Hi DiamondSutra,
Welcome to this list. I´m relatively new too, only been here a few weeks.
Ah, aloneness and isolation! A thing that seems to have haunted me all my life but has just recently resolved itself within.
When I was a child I felt an isolation because I saw myself as different and I felt an aloneness because I couldn´t find others who were like me. It was only later that I realised that I was no different to anyone else, that it was perhaps only because I expressed myself differently in some cases that I saw myself as different. Before this realisation, when I grew into adulthood, I even used this feeling of being different with pride and arrogance, and I saw myself as someone beyond and above the rest of the world - I suppose it was a way of consoling myself of the isolation that I felt, to come to terms with this emptiness and pain that I felt. I even married for all the wrong reasons, to help me integrate into society that seemed so different, to get rid of this aloneness and isolation, but it never disappeared.
As I discovered myself more and more, I realised that I had always seen myself as I wanted to be and not as I really was, and this also brought great pain in the realisation of my self-made years of deceit. The aloneness and the isolation continued nevertheless, but the feeling of ‘difference´ was eventually lost forever. Because of the feeling of isolation, I even isolated myself from society; they seemed to have nothing to offer, they were not on the same wavelength it seemed. And so the feeling of isolation became isolation itself!
As I continued to search for truth within, I came to the conclusion that isolating myself from society was not going to get rid of the feeling of isolation, and so I decided one day to socialise. As I criticised everything around me, as I still felt a superiority in some way, I tried to understand this. These were good times because I learnt to listen, to speak only when I was spoken to, and to look within at the same time – the observer observing. Of course, occasionally someone would confirm my still-faint feeling of being different by saying that they felt uncomfortable in my company because I said very little, but I had grown to love listening so much, to looking within as I interacted in life. I persevered, never taking anything personally, but still feeling the aloneness and isolation.
And then five years after my divorce, I met a guy that was so different. I rejoiced because I thought there could never be anyone so different. After over a year, I was disillusioned and I realised that he was no different, that he was the same as all of us, and we had to part. Four months later, another man came into my life, a man who was so ‘un-different´, so normal, so wonderful, but he was married so I did not want to walk this path. I realised at this time that I did really love what was ‘normal´, that I didn´t need anything that was ‘different´. As much as I pined for this love that I knew I couldn´t have because he was committed to someone else, my aloneness and isolation seemed to accentuate. It took a third man to come into my life for me to resolve this never-ending problem of aloneness and isolation, another man that was married too. As he played the game of life, flirting and propositioning anything that wore a skirt, I understood that I didn´t need anything or
anyone to console myself of the feeling of aloneness and isolation, and I let go of any idea that someone or something could ever fill this emptiness that I felt all my life. I stopped trying to find a solution to my aloneness and isolation, knowing now that there was no solution, it was just what it was, a feeling.
Now I am so happy, as if I have finally understood that there is nothing on earth to replace that innate feeling of the Divine, of Love and Bliss within. Just recently I thought I had lost a very precious friend, a person who is like a twin-sister, and as I felt the deep loss of her friendship and presence, it was so easy to just let go and accept her decision to go. I remembered all that I had learnt, all the teachings, and just said to myself, “what will be will be – Thy will be done’. I felt indifferent to my pain and loss and just accepted what was. She has now returned, we see each other again, and she has invited me to her wedding the end of the year.
I feel free now, like a bird that flies the skies with no care in the world, a bird that just feels and carries on living and discovering. The aloneness and isolation will continue no doubt but I can live with it because I understand it as a message to remind me that I am still living as a ‘separate´ being, as an individual, and until I can live as One, as Wholeness, it will be there to keep me company. You know, it is bliss to feel, even to feel pain, because it reminds me that I am still alive, that I have more to discover, and the adventure and mystery of life is fascinating and awesome.
I hope you find something useful in this brief account of my life, and just want to mention, if it is any consolation, that you are not alone in feeling aloneness and isolation. As my life has taught me, there is only to understand our feelings rather than to reject, replace them, or run away from them - when we understand them, they are so easy to accept.
Best wishes and much Love,
Grotweed
---------------------------------
DISCLAIMER!
Home | Archive Index | Search the archives | Subscribe
K. List FAQ | Kundalini FAQs | Signs and Symptoms | Awakening Experiences | K. list Polls | Member Essays | Meditations | List Topics | Art Gallery | Cybrary | Sitemap | Email the moderators.
symbol.