To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/08/01 14:25
Subject: Re: [K-list] Re:ego\confidence\anxiety
From: Rich
On 2004/08/01 14:25, Rich posted thus to the K-list:
Dear K-List,
I'd been finding for a while the things I was writing here were mostly for
myself (or my ego). I've also been feeling incredibly pressured by work and
changed my priorities.
The experience of loss of confidence has being affecting me too and I
applaud Rick and Patrick for putting themselves out to talk on this.
I've been preparing for a seminar that I'll be hosting later this month and
to say I am nervous is an understatement. Someone said, 'Don't be afraid to
swear at the bastards'. Made me laugh!
I know if I get over the first few minutes I'll be fine but I tend to get
myself so worked up in that time that I go through a sink or swim
experience. It's frightening. It's the worst thing in the world like I'm
going to die.
I'm more afraid of hurting someone and holding back than I am of just
hitting them in the face with my words or expression. I hold back and jam
myself up because of it. Too busy questioning me and arguing with me than
just acting.
If I intellectualize, I see Confidence as illusive. It is not really there.
It is more how I carry my self and my energy path within. Confidence to me
is *not* thinking about fear and doubt in oneself. Lack of confidence is.
When these are absent then confidence is unquestionable.
To extend this, I see it as an aspect of the power chakra as much as the
throat chakra which I see as uninhibited expression of Goddess. More on the
power chakra in a moment...
In public speaking my fear is of getting too clogged up. I mean my energy
staying balanced and flowing freely through me. I am wishing to only keep my
crown open and be able to go into witness state as necessary. Does anyone
have experience of this type of thing? Any tips other than to relax and
breath? What if my mind goes all fuzzy and cross-wired half way through? I
do have trouble staying focussed sometimes, like I've got layers of wool
around my head and unable to see objectively... Let's see.
Regarding the power chakra, it seems warm and expansive when I am confident.
When I'm not confident it's closed and stirring with fear. I've come to
think the power chakra closes down when we are in fight or flight mode. It
charges itself for directing energy. Watch how we hold our abdominals when
we fight or think about fighting. It's to protect here. Get hit there
unexpectedly and we may fall to the floor like the life has been knocked out
from us.
Strange I am talking about fighting and I guess this is an aspect of the
whole confidence thing. A friend once told me how amazing he felt after he
was the winner in a fight (he hadn't started). I liken that same feeling to
the speaker or musician who's come off the stage with a big applaud.
I've looked inwards on my own lack of confidence and found stuff running
through my family line and way back. Ways (false ways) to make friends etc..
A case of believing one is less than enough already and has to do something
to gain acceptance.
If I speak the truth then courage and a glowing warmth seems to move me
forward. Energy flows in accordance with dharma. It is part of denying
ourselves as infinite manifestation that gets us knotted up.
No one is less or more than me.
> Shadow121ATaol.com
>
> my friends are no longer my friends and i am no longer who i am. my
> appearance has changed and so has my self image. i lost my mind and my
> imagination
> takes over ,scared of what i would do with someone close to me. dreamworld
> and
> 'lose ten pounds' clashing.
I'm going through a process of loss of identity. Not knowing who I am and
being over-reactive. Also unable to stay seated in my body as limited
pleasure spots to put attention on. I've looked at enough crap to know it's
natural when I'm threatened or in intense pain, or very sick or about to die
- it's time to exit the body. Hallucinogenic drugs too can do that. It
doesn't surprise me how so much crap can be drawn in from a bad drug
experience. I've heard of people who have lost their sanity and gone to the
psychiatric from one bad experience.
Living outside of the body leaves me wide open to taking on others crap and
the projections of others. My body gets thrashed by others stuff when I am
not in it. It's much harder to process stuff too when out from the body.
Energy doesn't stay in the body well when I'm outside of it.
This is one reason why grounding has helped. All these things like taking
walks, certain type of yoga, some visualization, helps to feel physical.
Here then things can be managed. When I'm in fairy land it isn't going to
budge. What do they say, Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
God helps those who helps themselves.
I keep forgetting I am god and I got to take care of myself.
The irony!
> i am finding that down to my very root , there is an arrogance , even an
> arrogance in this arrogance. at one time i thought that i was an angel
sent
> by The
> Creator. I thought that i would have all the answers and that they were
> stored in myself. I believed this and with this false confidence, i was
> humble, or
> so i thought. looking back on all of that now , i lost my mind , and was
an
>
> egotistical\selfimportant\jerk and i thought i was holier than everyone.
>
> alienation as a result.
>
I'm with you. We do have all the answers. I was foretelling the future to
myself to the point it seemed irrelevant to have communication as I already
knew the outcome. It was fun for a while and then it felt rude. I was
feeling the undercurrents of everything. So sensitive I could read a book on
someone's life and end up processing karma off someone that wrote the bloody
thing.
These things make us loose sanity. Who the hell are we to be this. How can
we function in this world. I apologies for the tone of my writing. I just
feel a need to get angry over my lack of feeling like I fit in.
When I start to think about these things, it just clouds them and they
become useless abilities, faulted my by my judgments and fears. I am no
longer sovereign. How powerful we are is anyone's guess? To try and grasp to
understand ourselves is self-defeating. We are beyond understanding.
Other's are playing games (even the social norms or rules can be seen as a
game) by normal means to communicate simple things. We can just read it. As
we know how to manipulate others, does that mean we should? When I tell my
staff I want something done and know the way to ask them to not upset them
because I've already felt their responses in advance is this valid?
In Thailand they have a concept of Hen Jai. It simply means being able to
see into the heart of another. It's is considered an admirable trait. But
really is this not a breaking of boundaries to know another before you even
communicate with them?
When I do show Hen Jai people are sometimes impressed they get attached to
me and then I have to deal with this side of it. Sucklings? Fun when I can
sustain the flow but when I take a hit then it makes for a messy situation
as they loose what they get through me and I change from nice guy.
There seems no easy way. Middle path where are you?
> so now i have such anxiety and everything is magnified. leeching onto
things
>
> because i dont know how to be myself. this form is uncomfertable. i am
tired
>
> of doing all of this. thinking for lack of something to do. analyzing
because
>
> i trained myself that way.
>
> i dont even know what to write , i am just writing.
Well, as Mystress would say what we focus on gets bigger. My current
guidelines are :
1. Stay inside my own body
2. Don't go looking inside others.
3. No dwelling in Lonely, Jealous, Greed, Wanting, Envy (thoughts /
attitudes)
4. Fill myself up FIRST
5. No trying to control/manipulate others - I will hurt myself if I try.
6. Be Nothing.
> so many insecurities as i look through my life and see there's barely
anyone
> left.
If I'm having trouble with surrender. This is what I try. Try to fill my
heart with love and totally relax my body of tension. 'I love and accept
<whatever it is>' Without judgment. Let it be loved and accepted. I find
things change when they are accepted.
> i am looking for one answer to something.
> maybe that's wehre my problem is held in
> and the tension builds and my insanity is
> being something that guides me beccause
> i do not want to make choices that avoid
> making myself do something and being an
> actual person who has responsabilities.
Well, *if* you are interested in my view...
Finding answers is a trick of the mind. The mind can't resolve the mind.
Think think think, fathom, fathom, fathom doesn't improve a problem.
There is a space where the most amazing solutions and profound ideas arise
from and this in me is near when I'm not trying to know or trying to be.
Just witnessing as is.
Sorry for any harshness in this post. Just my current state of mind.
r
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