To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/08/01 04:17
Subject: Re: [K-list] Re:ego\confidence\anxiety
From: Lone Path
On 2004/08/01 04:17, Lone Path posted thus to the K-list:
Hi Patrick,
I wrote this message a couple of days ago, for Rick I think it was, but then I never sent it because I thought to myself, what do I know and what have I to contribute, but I kept it and so I think I will send it now just in case it helps.
I have often had this sense of loss of confidence, and I will explain what I have realised and experienced in this state.
Confidence is not only feeling good, it is the pride of the ego, the ego that says that I ‘know´, the ego that says that I´ve achieved, the ego that says that I´m wonderful, etc. Of course we are all these things naturally but when these thoughts and feelings are somehow exaggerated, felt as important, or put into question, even unconsciously, then we seem to drop down low and there is a loss of confidence. Although it is an uncomfortable feeling, for me it is always a good sign, because it means that I am seeing and letting go, that I am being shown that all the things I ‘thought´ were important were only thoughts that made me feel good. When we realise that we are so small, that we really know nothing, that we are not in control, then there is this loss of confidence which will only last the time it needs to last, and then we will have realised once more and confidence will return.
That confidence is also usually lost when there is a long time of calm after a lot of spiritual experiences and realisations, and so a lack of confidence fills that space that is felt, that emptiness, that desire to repeat what was once so beautiful.
Whatever the reason, I am sure it is a good sign because there is usually a downer before the surge begins again, and it is always best to stay in that moment of loss of confidence rather than occupying your mind with other things in order not to feel it or go into it.
One question I always ask myself when I am not feeling so good, when I feel uncomfortable for some reason, and that is “why do I want to always feel good, why can´t I just enjoy every moment just as it is, and especially the moments that seem uncomfortable?’ because time and time again it has been at these uncomfortable moments that I have realised and ‘seen´ the cause and problem for what it truly is, and so why do I try to continuously avoid what will show me the way.
I don´t know your circumstances, but perhaps there is something that I have mentioned that will speak to you.
Patrick, you say “my friends are no longer my friends and i am no longer who i am’.
I think that losing your friends is all part and parcel of the path and my understanding of it is that one has to learn to become totally independent, to be able to live alone without feeling lonely, to live in society without actually being a part of society, so that there is no more dependency. It is probably the most difficult test along the way but it is necessary. I thought that I had overcome this problem of needing friends, of depending on company from time to time, but then just recently I lost a very dear friend of mine and I realised as I felt the loss that I had not completely resolved the problem. I went into the pain of loss, I even felt an anger which I had not felt for such a long time, and after about a month, I suddenly felt elated because I realised that my spiritual journey was more important than any dependency and that I must allow people to go if they want to go. No sooner had I realised all this and accepted it, I felt good again, on a high even, and I felt
so deeply how wonderful the spiritual life really is when we just let everything go, and I now feel so free, as if I have exited yet another prison that I had created.
Know that you will never be alone, that you will always attract people to you, and as you change so do your friends, it is a natural process. It is wonderful to hear that you have changed, it was certainly wonderful for me because, as I look back, I would never want to be the person that I was.
Best wishes and much Love,
Grotweed
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