To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/08/01 02:09
Subject: [K-list] Re:ego\confidence\anxiety
From: Shadow121
On 2004/08/01 02:09, Shadow121 posted thus to the K-list:
i also have lost much of my confidence. i feel like a wuss , i cant look
people in the eye anymore. through doing all this 'ascencion\prophecy' stuff , i
have become sort of iffy about myself. so there goes my security. my whole
reality is questionable and my mind is lost 35% of the time. so much pent up and
still being dihonest with what i hold true to me.
my friends are no longer my friends and i am no longer who i am. my
appearance has changed and so has my self image. i lost my mind and my imagination
takes over ,scared of what i would do with someone close to me. dreamworld and
'lose ten pounds' clashing.
i am finding that down to my very root , there is an arrogance , even an
arrogance in this arrogance. at one time i thought that i was an angel sent by The
Creator. I thought that i would have all the answers and that they were
stored in myself. I believed this and with this false confidence, i was humble, or
so i thought. looking back on all of that now , i lost my mind , and was an
egotistical\selfimportant\jerk and i thought i was holier than everyone.
alienation as a result.
so now i have such anxiety and everything is magnified. leeching onto things
because i dont know how to be myself. this form is uncomfertable. i am tired
of doing all of this. thinking for lack of something to do. analyzing because
i trained myself that way.
i dont even know what to write , i am just writing.
so many insecurities as i look through my life and see there's barely anyone
left.
===
i am looking for one answer to something.
maybe that's wehre my problem is held in
and the tension builds and my insanity is
being something that guides me beccause
i do not want to make choices that avoid
making myself do something and being an
actual person who has responsabilities.
not an egotistical jerk , but it scares me.
i dont know why , but i have no idea how
to live without my ego. without that sense
of defense which gaurds me and has
shielded me from teh truth.
i wish i had something worthwhile to write,
neat to see though that others are ego clearing too
i'd like to send otu much love , but i'm crazy and dont know how
Patrick
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