To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/04/10 19:58
Subject: [K-list] How to transform aggression to love
From: New
On 2004/04/10 19:58, New posted thus to the K-list:
Sat Nam
Until one year ago, I was never active-aggressive. I was never very
present either. I wasn´t very grounded. I wasn´t very at all lately. For
some reason I was not myself, but always trying to be a person that I
thought other people would like me to be, so that they would like me in
return. On a deeper level I was not confident that I could ever be such
a person, so I must have been unconsciously looking for proove that I
was not able to making them like me, ever. I never understood why my
actions did not lead to what I had in mind as a result. The original
picture of the goal looked so beautiful and perfect in my mind and the
results hardly ever gave me a warm feeling.
My KY path started 9 months ago. I started doing the flexible spine set,
and added the Kirtin Kriya 3 months ago. After the second time I did
this kriya, meditating in stillness, I experienced falling into an
indefinite deepspace. Comletely empty and me being the center and source
of it. Lately, I have been adding the Tershula kriya, and the set for
strengtening the electromagnetic field. Recently I got the book ´Your
life is in your chakras´ and, reading through it, I got the feeling that
my lower three chakras are down and that I need to work on my solaris
plexis (diagram) chakra. When I try to feel my emotions in my body, it
is like they cannot pass my diagram downward. So I did a few
out-of-the-book exercises for this chakra before the Tershula Kriya
recently and after that, meditating in stillness, my heart felt like it
grew into a pulsating footbal sized center of my body,
Whash-Whash-Whash-Whash. I loved it but I could not keep it. After
focussing into it, it went away.
My situation with aggression is the following. After my ex-wife and I
got separated half a year ago, it feels like some kind of energy started
searching its way out through aggression that I cannot control (yet -
hopefully)
During the week I work as a management consultant, and I have my
emotional ups and downs and I do KY sets in the early morning and in the
evening and I feel relaxed. From Thursday evening until Monday morning I
do not practice a lot of KY and I take care of our three kids of 2, 5
and 7 and then I get into situations that bring me out of balance. I
analyzed it last days and I think I am getting an understanding of when
it happens. It´s particularly in two situations.
1. When our kids use passive aggression or unfairess against eachother.
It fears me, like it is me, to whom the aggression is directed. Crazy,
as it seams but this can result in an aggressive act from me to my kids.
Not that I physically hurt them but I see my reaction causes fear in
their eyes and I hate that. I seem to radiate and express a lot of
aggression...
2. When one of our kids doesn´t obey me, or a common rule. I think it is
a good thing to not let kids play with the boundaries of what they are
allowed to do and what not. But I tend to over react lately, with the
same overdosis of aggression flaming up from inside that it scares me
afterwards.
I never have this when other people are around. As a matter of fact, I
always get compliments from others about my patience with the kids.
Could it be the same, me trying to be the perfect dad to get approval of
others? I love my kids, I think, how can I be sure. All my free time I
spend with them. But sometimes it feels like it is too much. I am glad I
am aware of what is going on. But I am looking for more insight in where
this aggression comes from and how I can process the energy that flames
up from deeply inside (fear?) into love before it gets poisoned and
enters the physical world as aggression. I feel I need to transform the
root cause but I don´t seem to understand how. Feels like something has
its roots so deeply inside of me that I need to transform it now, not
cover it up by external sources of joy like having fun with friends,
getting into a new relationship or things like that.
I am more that interested in your reactions on this subject - any
suggestion is very welcome.
Namaste,
René
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