To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/03/29 04:05
Subject: [K-list]
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2004/03/29 04:05, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
Wrote this last week...
Some private mail I have been getting lately, moves me to post on the
topic of passive aggression.
There are two, perhaps three definitions of passive aggression. One is
what Gandhi did to free India from British rule. His style of passive
aggression is conscious. He knew exactly what he was doing, and what
effects it would have. He knew that the way to stop a cavalry charge is to
lie flat: horses don't like stepping on people, it is an unstable surface
for hooves and horses naturally fear falling and breaking a leg, because it
is fatal to them, and falling horses can be fatal for riders.
Turning one's own body into a hazard for cavalry, is an aggressive act,
and it is as passive as can be... lying down flat! Passive aggression is
also a martial arts term, with similar meaning.
Passive aggression is also a psychology term for aggression that is
*unconscious*. It is most often found in situations where someone believes
themselves to be helpless, unable to say no. Instead their shadow self
says no on their behalf, through passive aggression:
The aggression is expressed unconsciously, and projected outwards. It
takes the form of unconscious sabotage, accidents, forgetfulness, mistakes,
and appearing to take the role of the peacemaker while actually fanning the
flames; offering help, but actually sabotaging or making things worse.
This is a childish behavior pattern, often found in children, but not
exclusively. Passive aggression goes together with an illusion of
victimhood. Scratch a victim, find a passive aggressive (or overtly
aggressive!) abuser.
Passive aggression if often found in people who have a "spiritual" ego
which believes itself to be a gentle nonviolent being. The aggression is
inconsistent with the ego self, and so becomes repressed, it becomes part
of the shadow. "What is repressed, comes up ugly"
Gandhi said "It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our
hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence."
He understood that his style of passive aggression was an expression of
violence, and that it is better to be consciously violent than to have a
spiritual ego of non violence covering rage at feeling helpless or
impotent... which leads to the kind of unconscious aggression that defines
the psychological state of passive aggression.
The passive aggressive can be identified by several qualities:
1) They believe they are never to blame for what occurs.
a) Someone else is to blame. Responsibility for what Is, is
continually projected outwards, to some external aggressor while the PA
takes the role of innocent victim. "sHe did it to me! I did nothing to
provoke them." Usually, externally it appears to be true, but a closer look
reveals the attack to be provoked by subtle passive aggression.
b) Life is to blame: The PA is a victim of life, and they blame life
events "beyond their control" for the sabotage.
"Sorry I missed your important meeting, but the bus was late.."
c) Life is to blame, #2: What happens is an "accident." (There are no
accidents) The PA believes they cannot be held responsible for "accidents",
and usually will genuinely believe the destructive event to be truly
accidental. The destruction is deliberately created by the unconscious
shadow self. "What is repressed, comes up ugly."
These accidents often occur while the PA is "helping."
"So sorry, I was trying to do you a favour by washing your dishes and
your favorite vase was slippery with the soap, it slipped from my hands and
smashed into a million pieces!"
d) Your poor communication is to blame: What occurs is due to a
"misunderstanding."
"I must have misunderstood, I thought you *wanted* me to delete all
those files."
e) Can you think of more examples?
2.) The PA can be identified by how they will break the rules of any group
and if called on it, will claim it was accidental, a misunderstanding, or
the result of forgetfullness. I notice that people who have issues with the
list guidelines or moderators, are often the ones who don't snip their posts.
3) The passive aggressive can be identified by the rage they provoke, and
how it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what they have done to provoke it.
On the surface, the PA appears to be a kind, helpful person who is
unfortunately accident prone and forgetful... but your unconscious is aware
of what their shadow is up to, and will react to the assault with more
anger, than if the aggression was overt and up-front.
Generally, being stabbed in the back is more out-rage-eous than facing
the attacker. Passive aggressors are back stabbers, even more so because
their conscious facade of helpfulness and gentleness makes them consciously
unaware they are stabbing you...
3) The passive aggressive can be identified by the destruction they leave
in their wake.
4) The passive aggressive can be identified by how they offer to help,
and if you accept the help you will probably regret it, assuming anything
actually gets done. Your time has been wasted explaining to them what is
wanted, and then more time wasted, more sabotage in what happens if it is
not done, or trying to find someone reliable to do it.
They have an ego ideal of themselves as helpful people, and an
inability to say no. So they will offer to help but the "no" will be
expressed unconsciously. The result is that instead of getting past their
own stuff, they will train you to not ask for help, by sabotaging your
goals or offering excuses instead of results.
The thing about passive aggressors, is that it usually does no good at
all, to call them on their behavior.
a) They will deny it. If they were willing to admit that they are
aggressive and destructive, then the behavior would not have been repressed
into unconsciousness, in the first place.
b) They will stick with the pattern and blame you for insulting them,
making you the aggressor and themselves the victim.
Victimhood has its own power, a negative power but one that people who
feel they are impotent, are all the more motivated to cling to. To the
victim goes the power to accuse, to get revenge in the guise of "justice",
and to remain blameless by projecting blame outwards. Spewing their karma
onto others.
c) With "spiritual" people, they will deflect responsibility using the
old mirror game. Claiming that you are what you see reflected. They will
tell you that you are the passive aggressive, attacking them with verbal
abuse in the guise of "helping."
(Author notes: Don't bother, I already know everything I write is about
me. I am All!)
There is one tiny window of opportunity to help a passive aggressive
person, and that is when they sincerely *ask* you. When their frustration
at feeling victimized and the resulting low self esteem, outweighs the
unconscious benefits of the PA behavior enough to motivate them to look
deeply inward and face up to the hard truth that their ego idea of
themselves as gentle and helpful, is an illusion covering up some really
nasty, sneaky anger and aggression.
The initial insights can feel pretty devastating to the ego, but the
devastation serves to motivate the ego to really clear out the behavior
pattern. People are basically good.
The road out is hard, and the process is internal. There is no magic
wand a healer can wave to take it away. It has to be cleared through an
individual's determination to change and an ongoing mindfulness that
examines every action and refuses victimhood in ALL situations, no matter
what.
It involves going to extremes of the other polarity, taking ultimate
responsibility for everything that happens.
This is the opposite of victimhood:
"I ATTRACT THAT WHICH OCCURS!"
No matter what the occurrence, and who or what you think is to blame.
You are the God of your own life. Nobody has the power to choose how you
will feel, think, or react, but you and Goddess. Goddess is an aspect of
you. All events are self created, on the higher levels of consciousness.
There are no accidents, and no victims.
If you are feeling victimized by someone or something, look inward to
find the aspect of yourself, the belief, behavior or thought that the event
is the karmic reflection of... no matter how unfair, accidental or abusive
the event may seem! It is a reflection of you, it is your own internal
karma manifesting.
No exceptions! If lightning strikes your home, ask yourself what in you
attracted that event, and when you find it, surrender it any way you can.
If someone on the street insults you, look within to see what attracted it.
Taking total responsibility for every event in your life is hard! Most
people hate the idea, and want to find some loophole or exit. Common exits
chosen are:
Loophole # a) Confusing "I attract that which occurs" with the politically
incorrect idea of "blaming the victim", which it is not. Blame can be used
to project responsibility; this is about *taking* responsibility, not
giving it away. It is internal, not external. Use it within yourself, to
examine the events of your own life. Do not apply it to interpreting events
that happen to others.
Loophole # b) Looking for somewhere it does not apply to: People usually
use the example of abused children... because children are believed to be
always innocent victims. I have two perspectives on this:
1) I was an abused child, and taking the perspective that I had chosen
my parents and my path on a soul level before I was born, so that it would
shape me in certain ways, was very empowering. It allowed me a space to
look for the hidden gifts in the events, the positive ways I had been
shaped by them. I could make peace with the past by looking for the
perfection in it. Does that mean I think it is OK to abuse children because
it may be good for them? No. It is internal, not external.
2) An alternate perspective is that life events don't need a reason,
they just are, and looking for reasons is an ego game. On a higher level
this is true, BUT if you lived from that place, you would not be interested
in reading about passive aggression! You have to deal with things from
where you are at.
"I attract that which occurs is not about blame, it is about
*empowerment.* The imperative of Kundalini is surrender, and you cannot
give away what you do not own. You have to take ownership, responsibility
for an event or pattern, before you can surrender it.
With some karmic stuff, you can surrender without needing to know the
details, but with deeply embedded personality dysfunctions it is helpful
to know what your patterns are, so you can make a conscious change.
Projecting responsibility with blame or victimhood is disempowering. It
may feel powerful in the short term, but in the long term, the more power
you give away, the less you have. Blame is giving power away. Making
someone be God for you, instead of being God-dess of your own life.
Consciousness, is inherently selfish. Selflessness is an ego illusion.
People don't do something, unless there is some reward in it for them.
Mother Theresa did what she did, because it made her feel good about
herself. It is the same with all "selfless" acts, there is some hidden
personal benefit.
Looking for the hidden personal benefit in all your actions is an
exercise I call "looking in the ugly mirror, " and there is value in it
whether your issue is passive aggression or not! The mirror being the
Mirror of all that Is. It is part of the nature of consciousness, that all
you see is yourself reflected. The ugly mirror is looking for the
reflection of the shadow, the secret selfish benefit of your actions. What
value do you get from being the way you are? Find it, and you will avoid
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
Jung defined the Shadow self as "That which we think we are not." So
the larger the "Spiritual" ego, the larger and more powerful the shadow it
casts.
Apply the Ugly mirror to yourself, ruthlessly. I already related some of
the unconscious benefits people find in passive aggression and victimhood.
Find which are unique to you, for each thought or event. Even if you are
not passive aggressive, doing this is empowering and useful for getting to
know yourself better.
The Ugly mirror, and taking responsibility is not about guilt. Guilt
has a simple dynamic, it is when actions and self image are not in
alignment. "I'm not the sort of person who would DO something like that!"
Well, you did, so you are. Q.E.D. Either change the action or the self
image. Changing the self image is usually easier, and leads to a change in
action.
From a spiritual perspective, it can mean embracing the shadow. You are
All that is, so you are Jesus *and* Hitler, Buddha *and* Ghengis Khan. On a
personal level, it means looking within yourself for the qualities you see
in those you have judged as abusers.
Owning the Hitler within, does not mean you will go start another
holocaust... it actually means you are less likely to! Hitler certainly did
not own his shadow! He projected everything onto external "others", Jews,
etc. and persecuted them. In what ways do you do that too?
The shadow self is not to be blamed, that only increases the separation.
It is not the bad guy or enemy. It is a part of you, it loves you, and
serves you, your individuality and your spiritual path of expansion of
consciousness. It does for you what you feel you cannot do for yourself,
expresses for you that which you think you cannot express. It brings forth
your illusions and projections of separation, to get your attention, to
give you the opportunity to expand your consciousness by accepting, loving
and integrating that which you have rejected. That which you think you are
not.
The Shadow is not all bad, either! The talents and gifts you see in
others, are also a part of you! The people you admire are a reflection of
you, as well as the people you disdain. Integrating the Shadow is expanding
consciousness to become All that Is, it is part of attaining Self realization.
Some links:
http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/good_communication.htm
http://www.toad.net/~arcturus/dd/papd.htm
http://www.findarticles.com/cf_dls/g2699/0002/2699000253/p1/article.jhtml
http://www.actabuse.com/effectschildren.html
> http://emoclear.com/clusters/passiveaggressive.html
> http://patoberry.blog-city.com/read/210012.htm
>http://www.freudfriendly.com/dictionary/dterms/defenses/defensemech.htm#Passive-Aggression
>
>http://emoclear.com/clusters/selfacceptance.html
Some quotes from the links:
>"Passive- aggression," a psychiatric term, defined as the use of such
>means as obstructionism, pouting, procrastination, intentional
>inefficiency, or stubbornness to reflect the disagreement or hostility one
>dares not express openly. Often directed toward individuals or
>institutions upon which a person is over- dependent, it is one of the more
>widespread phenomena observed by mental health professionals. These
>passive means really communicate the same message as open active
>disagreement or conflict. But unlike open disagreement, these methods
>cannot solve problems because the problems are not brought into the open.
>Cause & Effect:. When dealing with a passive aggressive, "cause" is very
>difficult to see (their covert behavior) but what is obvious is "effect"
>(your anger) which is why all of the focus and blame is on the
>non-passive aggressive., thus, both individuals buying into the passive
>aggressive's perception of the non passive aggressive being solely at
>fault.......
RESPONSIBLE (for all problems)
Because of the denial of any contribution to problems and the ability to
turn them back on you - either overtly or covertly.... ultimately assume
full responsibility for all problems in the relationship
>> Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another
human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical
assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather
than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and
constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation,
manipulation and refusal to ever be pleased.
>> The term passive-aggressive, when used to describe a defense mechanism,
refers to indirect resistance to authority, responsibility and obligations.
Associated symptoms include complaining, irritability when faced with
demands, and general discontent. Anger is usually expressed indirectly via
resistance, delays, losing things, procrastination and sabotaging one's own
efforts or those of others. In theory, the individual does not
intentionally set out to irritate others or to oppose authority, in the
manner, say, of a rebellious teenager. Rather, the P-A individual
unconsciously acts out his or her anger in the manner described.
>Unexpressed andger/hostility comes out "sideways". Although not blatantly
>acting out or aggressive, children who exhibit passive aggressive
>behaviors can be among the most perplexing and frustrating type of
>children to work with. Their mild, yet persistent, nudging at the rules
>has a cumulative effect. Like water torture, their actions slowly wear
>away at staff. Passive aggression is not a grownup's way of dealing with
>the world, but a technique of the resentful and powerless.
Passive-aggressive personality disorder (PAPD) is no longer regarded as an
official personality disorder in DSM-IV; this is because its principal
features are so commonly seen in other personality disorders, such as
borderline, histrionic and dependent. PAPD is in the appendix of DSM-IV as
a condition requiring further study. Historically, individuals with PAPD
have been described as negativistic. They tend to obstruct the efforts of
others by intentionally dawdling, misplacing things, etc. PAPD individuals
are usually sullen, irritable, argumentative and contrary. They are often
chronic complainers and resent authority, even when it is reasonable
authority. PAPD individuals always have an excuse ready for themselves, but
never excuse a slipup in others.
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