To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/03/22 20:07
Subject: RE: [K-list] abuse etc
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2004/03/22 20:07, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
At 06:27 PM 18/03/2004, l p wrote:
>Evening Mystress
>
>Hope all is well with you. I am ok. Could be better, but ya know it could
>also be worse. Some time ago, we talked a bit about abuse and you
>mentioned that if i wanted to tlak about it ehre, that would be
>fine. Well at the time, I wasn't quite ready to talk about it. Now, tho I
>think I am. What I am most interested in is not how I can change the
>abuser, (who happens to be a person I am currently living with), BUT how
>to try and change my reaction to it. I thought I had a handle on it,
>always telling my self that his (my brother's) behaviour didnt bother me
>etc etc. HOWEVER....... recently I broke out in hives aas a result of the
>stress. Normally I am quite used to a lot of stress in my life and up
>till now have been able to handle it, often in large doses. I am guessing
>that perhaps becasue I am no longer used to living in an abusive
>situation, my defenses are down, my tolerance levels might be lower than
>they were when I was living with my ex husband for eg.
>This si the first time I have ever had hives for any reason and they dont
>seem to want to go away. Now, even the slightest little fight with my bro
>starts a flare up. While the hives are terribly irritating and itchy, the
>bigger problem for me is that I NEED to find an alternative way to handle
>my situation. I know that I cannot change his behaviour right now (or
>ever, he must do that) but financially I need to keep him here to hlep
>with rent and bills. So my question to you is : have you any advice as to
>how i might go about changing my mindset about abuse issues? Right now I
>am kinda sruck in the "I wont be treated this way, I DONT deserve it" mind
>frame. I am hoping to be able to move past that and on to a more detached
>state where i dont take it all so personally. In my head I KNOW that the
>abuse is not, was not, and never will be because of me or my
>behaviour. Getting my heart to truly believe that however, is a much
>bigger job. I am curious if yo have a particular meditaion, , mantra or
>chakra or other exercise that you might be willing to share. Thanks in
>advance for your help. and also thanks for taking the time to read all
>this. Namaste
>Lori-ann
>
>PS
>I hit the reply button instead of the reply all one, so if you want to
>send this to the K list, if you think someone there may be able to help,
>that would be fine. if not, that would be ok too.
Heya:
My read on this might surprise you.
Your brother is not causing the hives, you are. Itching is often
symptomatic of self criticism, not external criticism. You beat yourself up
for not being able to handle it as well as you think you *should.*
(should=guilt)
You already know that the things he says about you are not true, but
you believe the things you say about yourself, are true. You believe you
need to be different than you are, and your trying to force yourself to
change, is in a way, being abusive to yourself!
It is OK to want to change: we change, we grow... but trying to force
a change in yourself by beating yourself up and denying the truth of your
feelings is not the way. How about a time-out to love and accept yourself
for who and how you are, in the here and now?
Your reaction to what Is, is big efforts at control. Trying to control
yourself, your feelings, your reactions, and in so doing you are inevitably
trying to control your brother.
What happens if you let go of trying to control your emotions?
Surrender to just being as you are, in the moment? Just let the emotions
flow without trying to change or resist them? Denial is not ownership, you
have to own your feelings, in order to be able to surrender them.
> Right now I am kinda stuck in the "I wont be treated this way, I DONT
deserve it" mind frame.
Resistance to what Is... you *are* being treated that way, that is what
IS... and you are not treating yourself too well, either.
Whether you deserve it, is an irrelevant thought... full of ideas of
punishment. Would the abuse be OK if you did "deserve" it? Who does deserve
it, in your mind? For what crime is verbal abuse the fitting sentence? Why
is it about what you do or do not deserve? Who judges that? Who applies the
price tag labels on your worth, or worthiness?
This whole "deserving" thing, it is a scarcity consciousness issue.
Needing to pay the bills by having an abusive brother in the house is
scarcity, too... they loop into each other.
I learned long ago, that getting past scarcity cannot be taught... but
it can be learned, one leap of faith at a time. Identification, helps. When
you recognise a pattern you can choose differently.
I'm not wholly free of it, myself... my biggest scarcity is around *time.*
> I thought I had a handle on it, always telling my self that his (my
> brother's) behaviour didnt bother me etc etc.
Well, that is lying to yourself, isn't it? Your brother trying to
invalidate you is one thing, but you denying or invalidating your emotions
is something else, eh? Is it worse when he does it or when you do?
It does bother you. It is ok to accept that. Sit with it. Ask
yourself, why does it bother you? Dig deep, peel the onion.
When you focus on what part of you is bothered, and on the emotions
that come up, you will probably find many layers. Name the emotions as they
come up, as accurately as you can. Try out different labels till you find
the one that fits just right. It might be a word, or a phrase.
You will know when you name the emotion accurately, because you will
feel an internal shift, and sigh, and the emotion will change. The emotion
you named will disappear, and another emotion will replace it. The next layer.
Experiment with different terms till you find the one that makes the
shift, then do the same with the next layer of emotion, and the next, and
the next. Keep going, you will know when you get to the core because you
will find peace there. Peel away all the layers of an onion, and there is
nothing left. Nothingness= peace.
This seems simple, but it is actually really powerful. I call it
"naming the dragon" because in fantasy stories, knowing the true name of a
dragon gives you power over it.
I actually got it from a book called "Focusing." The book was the
result of a huge scientific study of people undergoing psychotherapy. The
intent of the study was to discover why therapy worked for some people, but
not for others... The result was the discovery: the ones for whom it
worked, were intuitively doing this.
Some additional thoughts:
Emotions just are. We have them, they come and go. You are not your
thoughts or your emotions. They are transient, you are eternal. Some
emotions we judge as less pleasant, we want to avoid those or have them
over quicker, but all emotions have value, they are part of the fullness of
being human.
E + motion, energy in motion. Moving. Where is it moving to? It comes
and goes. Remind yourself, "This too, shall pass." You are the constant,
you remain. Reminding yourself helps to make a shift of perspective, from
the transient to the eternal. You move into the Witness, where you can see
the bigger picture.
Everything is love or a cry for love. Your brother's behavior may not
feel like love, but on some level, it is. When parents or siblings
criticise, sometimes it is vampiric, they are loving themselves by feeding
on you, but more often it is because they are trying to help you: make you
wiser, better, stronger. Their methods may be unpleasant, but easier to
deal with if you look for the love in it. You get interesting insights.
Goddess is all that Is, Goddess is your brother, and you are Goddess of
your own life. So, can you think of why Goddess in you created this
situation? What do you gain from it? If you choose to do the focusing
exercise, you will gain a great deal, in self knowledge. You will have your
brother to thank, for motivating you to clear out some karmic stuff... and
for helping you to find the issues by poking them.
Perfection Is. What is perfect about this situation? What I see, is
that you are exactly where you need to be, to resolve some issues that have
troubled you for quite a long while. Yeah, it is unpleasant, I've been
there... but the growing and insights were worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shaman, Psychic, Empath, Healer www.fire-serpent.org/healing/
Fire Serpent Tantra www.fire-serpent.com
Kundalini Gateway www.Kundalini-gateway.org
Kundalini info www.kundalini-teacher.com
Personal website www.domin8rex.com
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