To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/02/15 23:13
Subject: [K-list] journey
From: manik tirkey
On 2004/02/15 23:13, manik tirkey posted thus to the K-list:
JOURNEY
I am undergoing a kundalini crisis. How I came to be here, what really happened, here is a brief outline.
I have been brought up in an orthodox catholic family and with all my religious indoctrination had the idea of a God, who observes everything and looks after his believers, firmly ingrained in me. This outlook served me to take my material life fairly causally. As long as one accepts and follows God´s directions he will make sure that all goes well with them, that was the idea of God and believer that I had. As a child I would spend my time with the Bible and was particularly drawn to the stories and wisdom of The Old Testament. One of my earliest books was the Pilgrims Progress and was moved by the direct relevance it had to life on this earth.
It was not until I was at the university studying architecture and owing to the harsh realities of existence and growing up that I found the child in me had died. My mind changed which had been so pristine and would always keep me in high spirits started to corrupt. I went to church indignant at what had happened to me. There was no help from that side. I had to reconsider the concepts of God that I had. Then I began to search for my lost self and started reading all kinds of philosophy. What I found was books on religious philosophy as it was all around me in India. But their antiquity failed to clear my doubts on modern life though it did dispel my feelings of isolation and being lost.
I became firmly entrenched in spirituality and would evince people around me with my growing awareness. I had become a lover and my architectural education furthered my socialist and altruist drives. I read a few books on Osho and his philosophy and admired his radical interpretations and adaptations to life in the modern world. I had been introduced to marijuana at college and initially it was appealing for what it did to the senses and sound. Being highly introspective and self critical I would listen to artistes with sensitivity, depth and humility in their songs. Bob Dylan was always appealing but it was Sinead O´Connor who touched me with her clarity of expression and humility of approach. I had been listening to rock music since I was a kid and looked upto them as role models and teachers. My personal heroes being John Lennon for his visionary approach, Bob Marley for his prophetic mysticism and Bob Dylan for his humility and human purposefulness. Marijuana was a great eye
opener and min expander would fuel my rebel spirit and further my iconoclastic attitude in life.
‘I see through your lies, I see through your brain,
Like I see through the waters that run down my drain´
An egalitarian at heart I would dream of Utopia and a world where everyone could lead a purposeful existence.
It was not long when my awareness started to grow, rebelling against the world and its injustice, feeling the pain and misery of my fellow beings around me. The pain wouldn´t subside for months and then sometimes I would turn to marijuana. ‘Last dance with Mary Jane, one more time to kill the pain.´ I felt like I was carrying the cross but felt invincible and indestructible. My friends would warn me ‘not to cross the thin line between sanity and insanity´ but I reassured them that I was firmly grounded in reality. I found a modern translation called ‘The Vedic Science of Life´ and devoured it. It seemed very convincing and I started to imitate it earnestly. I dropped the many sheaths that surround our being gradually got rid of all of them till I reached the core. This made me highly vulnerable as the sheaths are a protective mechanism as well. But my intrepidity made me carry on.
It seemed to me to that somehow I was losing sight of the real world and found it difficult to find some connectivity with spirituality and material existence. I studied the science of theory and although a substantial part was architectural theory, It pacified my mind. It gave me an understanding of thought and cognition. The pain in my heart was growing but love and understanding would alleviate the intensity. I got close to a number of people on this journey of sharing, caring and growing up together.
It was in my final year at the university, while I was preparing for my thesis when late one night staying up working I was reading the Geeta, I had had a mild nightcap of a marijuana spliff, and I went into a trance and I had what is called a God realization. I just sat there on my bed thinking that I was the Creator, I didn´t realize how but I sat there played some music and imagined creating the world, the sun, the Moon, the Earth, the planets etc maybe I took it too literally. It was a highly abnormal experience and since I have never hallucinated before while on marijuana, I warned myself against losing my mind. The realization of the Creator is supposed to be a direct realisation as I had read in a yoga book I had. It was in the following days that it dawned on me that I was the messiah and I have never felt more desolate and despondent as I had no clue to what this meant and how I was supposed to react. It was in the days that followed that the enormity of my realisation left
me clueless and dejected. I was not in any ways prepared for what I was being led to believe, I felt as if all books had been signaling my arrival and musicians were directing me towards my fated destiny. The realisation weakened in a couple of weeks until I was in trance again one day, I spent the whole day at college and when I arrived home and my gaze fell on the Geeta lying next to the bed with Krishna´s image on the cover that it dawned on me that I was him. I was incredulous with disbelief as I had no idea where this was leading to. This I know call Krishna consciousness. It was happening spontaneously now as since my God realisation I had not had any kind of intoxicants. I slipped into a psychosis hearing voices in my head, which seemed to be normal everyday people, who would keep commenting on everything that I did. I was not able to tackle my design thesis properly because of this.
One early night I felt myself being possessed by an evil spirit and in the dead of night I walked petrified to the church two kilometres away, I sat outside and prayed and reconciled with God. I heard him telling me that I had to die like Jesus Christ, humbly I replied "whatever your will." I felt myself free of the spirit but later in the morning dismissed it all as a psychosis. About a week later I woke up with a Sun consciousness, I kind of knew I was the Sun and was feeling like it. I spent the whole day in this heightened Sun consciousness but it fosters a feeling of extreme isolation and one feels totally lonely and alone. In one of the next few days I was waiting for somebody outside the campus when I realised I was the ‘Lord of the Underworld´ the exact phrase, I was devastated at this as this meant I was something despicable, I later discovered that one realises that one is the most vile, but the way it was phrased was totally incomprehensible, I believe now that it might
have shamanic connotations.
I am not clear about the exact occurances but I was in a trance for almost three months. I would find myself in extreme trance conditions speaking about things that I would have the least idea about. Once in a room with my parents I went into trance and blurted out loudly ‘it was you who ate from the fucking serpent´ in an accusatory tone to mother, and then turned around and shouted ‘it was you who wrote the story, I´m just an actor´, to father. I had no idea as to what this was all about as I personally do not accept the Garden of Eden story and the blame it rests on Eve.
I was in extreme psychosis sometimes overflowing with love for creation walking around talking to the birds, butterflies, flowers and plants like St. Francis of Assisi. It was because of something like this that once I was taken to the hospital by the police, all along the way I tried to convince them that there was nothing wrong with me. The doctor at the ward couldn´t find anything wrong with me but the police insisted that I be given a sedative. I ran out of the ward barefoot, somehow realising that I had to earth myself. I sat outside the cafeteria under the shade of a tree and it was then that John Lennon´s ‘So this is Christmas´ started playing loudly in my ears, I walked all the way home, with the song ringing in my ears.
One other time, while at home, I went into my backyard and the heap of discarded furniture and scrap repulsed me intensely, something told me that it was not good. So I piled them in one big heap and set it ablaze, some chemicals which I doused them with made the fire even more ferocious, all the while voices telling me how smart I was in deciding what to burn and what not to and egging me on. Since we had a corner plot our backyard faces the front of some flats and they all collected outside the garden terrified at what was happening. Somebody called the police and the fire brigade. The cops came and I was once again on my way to the hospital talking to them in all earnestness as always. At the hospital I was again obstinately trying to convince the doctor that there was nothing apparently wrong with me. Seeing I was not relenting he gave up on me. I went outside and sat down on the sidewalk, I borrowed a cigarette from somebody and a matchbox which had a balloon printed on it, when
I smoked the cigarette some kind of bubble burst in my head. Now there is something with matchboxes and the pictures printed on them but that was just my imagination. After the cigarette something exploded in my head and the rock band Kula Shaker´s version of ‘Govinda Jaya Jaya´ started playing loudly, so loud I thought everybody in that busy hospital campus could hear it. I did not go home but caught an autorickshaw to a friends place nearby, all the while the song played loudly in my head. I couldn´t sleep that night at my friends´ place and stayed up all night watching TV. At first there was Barry Norman with tears in his eyes saying that God was trying to save the world. Then I watched music television and thought that they were all trying to guide me with messages, it ended with M.J´s ‘heal the world´.
The next day I went home and slept. The next morning I had an intuition that something was coming and I smoked a spliff, minutes later something shot up from the base of my spine and went straight to the head. It was so strong it felt as it was trying to shoot through. I was gasping for breath all the while the fluid rose. I wet my head with mugfuls of water and was breathing heavily all the while. I put on some loud music and danced while the shooting in my head continued. When it stopped I instinctively knew that I had danced the ‘tandav´, Shiva´s cosmic dance. When the shooting stopped I felt completely numb in my head. I have no idea or any kind of cognition of what had shot up and filled up my head so completely.
I felt like a stuffed animal, the fluid filling up every pore of my face, my head, behind my ears and skull, right upto the base of my neck. I was devastated, I had never felt so horrible. The days that followed made me realise my predicament. I had lost all kind of human feeling and sensitivity. It was as if someone had taken a butcher´s knife and severed all my connections with the living world. The next few days I had intense body pains not even allowing me lie down or sleep. It lasted for about a week, after that the pain subsided, but I felt brain dead. I feel something terribly wrong has happened to me, I have been too contrite to discuss this with anybody and have nothing favourable to say about my experiences.
I was miserable, all I could do was somehow sustain myself and stay alive. The world and the people seem so utterly purposeless, engaged in a meaningless rat race. I know it is not totally so but that was what it appeared like. The music that I almost seemed to worship now sounded like cacophony to me, it seemed so pointless the whole phenomenon of singing. What made a human being sing was beyond my comprehension. The psychiatrist I was seeing, without any feedback from me, would prescribe me medicines. The fact was that I was too reticent about my condition and always had a saturnine disposition. I was told that I was going through a bio-chemical change, but how it was supposed to progress, he had no idea about. It was some time later when I shared a joint with a friend that the fluid in my head stirred up and it felt as if it was receding, rushing through the canals and crashing against the periphery and disintegrating. It was minimal but it was a glimmer of hope, I was a year into
my predicament now. Anything that diminishes has to go away, that was what my reasoning led me to believe.
I started seeing a neurologist and he appeared to have some idea, as he jestfully told me not to be a messiah. I was two years into my illness now. Once when I had a dose of anacin (a strong headache pill ), my body started to twist along the spinal cord and my head started twisting backwards, I was hideously contorted and to use all my strength and will power to remain upright. We rushed to the neurologist, I was managing to stand normally now though not without effort, he advised me against having such strong medications and gave me something to relieve my condition. Back home the TV sound would make me contort again (stay away from inanimate objects, I recalled reading somewhere) and the medicine and sleep fixed the problem. All tests at the hospital came out normal, so it wasn´t that I was having fits and I was not even remotely frothing at the mouth.
I was seeing a traditional ayurvedic doctor also, known as a vaidh. After about four months hung up his boots with dismay telling me that I must have consumed the wrong kind of substances. He does not do an allopathic diagnosis but through checking the pulse he finds the imbalance and disparity in the framework. He said that I had too much of heat in my heart. His traditional herbs and potions did little to ease my condition.
The voices in my head reappeared and this time they seemed pernicious. The voices were there for a few days until they had totally terrorised me reading my mind to the minutest detail, bringing up my childhood fears, playing on any kind of weaknesses that I had, my ignorance about my experience (they told me I had damaged that I had damaged the lid at the base of my spine, and all kinds of evil spirits, pisach, were out to destroy me, and they would climb up my spinal cord and up to my head and make it their home). I would sense my house to be full of spirits out to destroy me and make me one of their kind. One evening I felt a great panic in my heart and I was being told to jump off the roof. By night time I was inconsolable and I decided to fight the fear that I was being subjected to. I went to the terrace and stood my ground and they couldn´t coerce me into jumping off. I came back down to the house jubilant at having beaten the spirits. I somehow found myself back on the roof
again. This time they were reading my mind again and my weakness was God and my faith. I did end up jumping off four storeys down.
I woke up after two weeks in coma with multiple surgeries and life saving drugs administered to me. I spent two months in intensive care breathing through a ventilator. Somehow I pulled through torn and battered in every possible fashion. Almost the whole of next year was spent recuperating with some more surgeries. After that I willed myself to go back to university and complete my architectural thesis. I have never been so stressed out and felt so helpless in my life, some of my friends chipped in with all kinds of help and I was finally able to get a degree.
Later one day I was with a friend who was visiting and we ended up smoking a spliff when I had another realisation, that this life was all just a dream and I was awake now. I keep this all to myself as I don´t think it is of any consequence. I don´t meet too many people and I don´t know of anybody who can help me in anyway. I have the best part of my malady seeing all kind of doctors and physicians, but even though they have sometimes helped me through my psychoses, nobody has been able to see me through. It´s been six years now and though I am feeling better since a great load, my education, is off my back. I do not see how my head will clean up as even now there is a lot of fluid up my head refusing to react to any kind of treatment. I have had more cases of full blown psychoses, one in which I had to apparently fight against Gods as they had gone corrupt and I did the best I could using my kundalini as a weapon. That subsided but left me with something alive being implanted in my
stomach. I have learnt to live with a distended stomach but I am the king of wishful thinking and keep hoping that some miracle will restore me to normalcy, some God who knows and cares enough to show me a way.
When I came upon the stories of people similarly affected with the rising and consuming kundalini, some more, some less, groping for answers that might shed some light on their predicament, I felt less exceptional and isolated. Somehow everyone will find his own calling with some help from each other.
My Ailments and Afflictions
The fluid that rose up my spine and filled up every pore of my skull has left me feeling mentally deficient and prevents me from pursuing any kind of intellectual pursuit and has utterly destroyed me in all respects. Depression veers between manic depression though there are some periods of respite. I could succumb to more bouts of psychosis. (Somebody please guide me on this. This seems to be my primary affliction.)
Since my last psychosis, two years ago, I have been impregnated with some gaseous fluid in my stomach (does not show in an ultrasound). Has left me with a distended, protruding abdomen which, though painless and has seemingly no effect on the intestinal functions, leaves me in anguish and in extreme physical and mental discomfort. It moves about in the abdomen but is so profusely enmeshed that inspite of some of it trying to leave there is so much that it is of no respite. What could it be and how do I get rid of it?
Have no kind of sexual sensitivity, even though I can get mentally turned on. (Limp, Can´t get a boner)
Have lost my faith totally, sardonic, lost all motivation, find any kind of prayer, worship disdainful, but I still believe in love and the goodness of the human spirit.
Now this is unreal. I am connected to four people with my mind since my last psychosis two years ago. They are connected to my senses. They see what I see, whatever I hear they hear and they can hear my thoughts as loudly as I think them. It used to be a love relationship initially (they all went and bought Bjork tapes when I used to play my own) I talk about life, love, philosophy, keep them amused, laugh with them. Talk to them about my life, show them sensual movies (they´re all girls, all four of them). But it has been two years like this now, every moment of my life I have to be with them. I have run out of ideas and right now they know I´m writing this letter, let´s see what happens. None of us like this anymore forced to share my life and they can´t even shut it off, they kind of see whatever I see in their minds as clearly as I see. Two of them are from the university from batches junior to mine and though we had not spoken but we have interacted in strange subtle ways,
One is a newsreader on TV and though I thought she was special, my interest was perfunctory.
Now we are all tired and any kind of prayer doesn´t help.( I don´t pray they do.) Since all this seems purposeless and has no future course, everybody wants out, and that´s the best for everyone.
If somebody could shed some light on what this is all about and what could it mean, since I have not really come across anything like this.
Somebody please enlighten me. Any kind of reactions, reflections, comments or advice will be welcome and eagerly awaited.
Send mail to smanik22ATyahoo.com
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