To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/01/17 17:01
Subject: [K-list] Kundalini rises and then Stuck
From: sunny wallace
On 2004/01/17 17:01, sunny wallace posted thus to the K-list:
Greetings,
I am quite intrigued by the offering of a support system and the knowledge that may be gained and contributed to this list. I have yet to regard and read each and all but it looks so promising and I am grateful.
I will briefly, if possible relate my awakening. And gee, do I have a question.
About a year ago, I started over after a rather traumatic remarriage and really poured my mind and heart into healing and work. I worked as a VP for a major nonprofit and I was quite overwhelmed with the workload. I wanted to determine a way to work more efficiently, to improve the clients' situations toward self-suffiency and involve them in the administrative aspects of the work. Meantime, I began seeing a counselor in earnest to resolve a pattern I had continued to repeat. Privately I was working on mathematics in a casual mentor relationship with a scientist. My math deficiencies were a barrier to bringing my work to a higher level and I wanted to buy a house and needed to be more attentive to finances. So there are all these parallel processes along with a daily practice of walking the beach at sunrise. I was also prescribed medication for ADHD, which I have had all my life.
Suddenly, everything changed and I believe it was a spontaneous kundalini awakening. These changes coincided with a 'back injury,' which I followed with yoga to try to ease the pain. Later that day, while waiting hours in a contorted posture for a doctor, I believe I experienced that "dark night of the soul" when I realized there was no one, no one I could call that would care for me, help me climb the steps to my condo, shop for food or help me care for my son, or help me unconditionally. I wept for hours in the medical waiting room, in severe pain, and my blood pressure tripled.
The next morning I awakened with complete memories of childhood events dealing with trauma and soon I let everything go. All of it. As incredible synchronistic events began to occur - sometimes 10-15 a day - I could 'see' remarkable ways to alter my work programs that would bring the work to incredible levels. And I could 'see' the affects of these changes decades down the road. Personally, the same parallels were occuring within, and I could see the effect of my behavior - every thought and word - decades down the road. In this way, it seemed not possible to commit greivous deeds because I became so aware of the results. Such love and compassion were in me: it seemed I couls sense people's thoughts, sometimes heal and wierd, even 'sense' their business futures if these people had integrity: I would awaken each day with these gifts for my work and others work. People often stared at me, children and oddly, men, gravitated and dogs it seems would jump straight up in the air when I was around.
Again, the synchronicty was phenomenal. Indeed, even a house, about 40 percent below market value: a cottage by the sea came my way and it just wanted to happen. It wasn't even for sale but about six months before I had seen it and thought it was mine. In fact, I did not have enough money just before closing but the morning before there were tiny stars all over the ground and i said: "There's me money." And I believed it. The money posted as a memo to my account and even though it wasn't really there, the bank gave me a certified check (Banks don't do this...) It seemed like anything i wished or desired simply for me, but with great complexity for others, just happened.
And I began to understand very advanced math and physics, without any knowledge base. A children's book just came to me in my head one morning while walking and another day, an absolute cosmic wink from the sky. Other days, very special rocks and one is the same peculiar structure as the mountainous rock where I grew up - a geologist told me. As I have read, I had so many things indicative of kundalini rising and like math and physics, I did many hand mudras without knowing what they were.
But at work, where I was applying this insight of shared leadership, as another post described it seemed I was being attacked psychically. The more the work improved, the stronger the attacks. Admittedly, I had a difficult time explaining my actions and the more I tried, the crazier i seemed to them. But with regard to clients, there were remarkable results. As co-workers sabotaged my work, I could only see love and I poured love on everything, a total care bear stare. The bliss of this love and consequential insight is indescribeable. It led me to give things away, to children, the homeless and just about any loving soul that crossed my path. It was namaste' exponential. Meanwhile, clocks would stop when I was around (almost always at 11:29), computers would crash and I sensed time as a unified force of past, present and future. As I had dinner with a work associate one night and explained 'time' he felt the same sensation and it really frightened him. All this occured over a span of just a few months.
But I kept getting dreadful migraines and strange viruses and then an attack at work, born of lies. And I resigned. I decided I could not work where people did not practice integrity and I was so burnt out from the struggle. I had the spinning sensation I have read about here; it lasted for weeks and weeks and weeks. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I am sure I could have sued but I simply did not want to perpetuate a negative energy exchange. And somehow I know in the karmic reality, there were lessons here and I am responsible for my role and inviting them. We are all connected.
Slowly, everything blissful faded. Synchronicity is rare. It followed all these things mentioned and a betrayal of someone I care about very much. I have tried very hard to undo this, and it seems much worse to commit wrongdoing in full knowledge and enlightenment and I am hard on myself about this.
I feel stuck. My health has just returned and I am having great difficulty reconnecting to the universe, to compassion, to finding employment to support myself and my son. I want to take a leap of faith as before, but it seems I can no longer let go. I feel like I have regressed and perhaps the love and compssion i have known will never return. I am often 'homesick' and plan death but how selfish, and it wouldn't bode well to repeat these lessons.
I try to live with integrity still, practice meditation and be loving to people if for no other reason than because I know it is correct. Over the past few months, I wrote another book rooted in math and physics and during this writing, again, so many synchronistic things happened...one day just after writing a very profound statement about the gods, the whole island shook with thunder. Haven't really tried to sell it.
I have no friends. No guidance from humans. No job. Almost no insight as to my path or personal journey. Any advice or guidance welcome. I think: how does one be in the world and not of the world? And I wonder: have I commited something unpardonable? How to release the super glue.
Too funny...when all this happened, I thought I was the only one and I couldn't figure out what anything was...I really suspected lunacy.
Sunny
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