To: K-list
Recieved: 2004/01/13 21:27
Subject: [K-list] ouch.
From: Martin Kerr
On 2004/01/13 21:27, Martin Kerr posted thus to the K-list:
hi all,
ouch, is all i can really say at the moment.
[
"ahh, but martin, the absurd length of your email contradicts this...."
"Shush, you dualist!"
"oh, okay, sorreeeee"
]
last sunday week (4th) i was out with a mate mountain biking
[ okay, hill-biking, since the only mountain is 20 miles away
and i'm not THAT healthy ]
and whilst coming down a steep hill i had to hang off the
back of my bike and lie with my belly on the seat...
and then i smacked into something lumpier than expected,
which promptly thumped me with the seat in the ribs.
and i was fine all last week, just a little twinge.
until saturday morning i woke up and couldn't move for pain.
the kids were staying, and at that moment were having fun quitely
playing music on a keyboard in my room.
i had to ask them to lift me out of bed to a sitting position
[ the combined force of a 5yr old and a 6yr old isn't much
against an 70kg man, but hey it helped... ]
sunday night while lying in bed i was trying to feel around to find
the source of the main pain, and i found a slight lump on my side
just were one of my lower ribs comes from the back to the front.
i thought, ahh, there it is!.... and pressed gently.
i blacked out.
i came round, well i didn't go fully out - dunno, but all i could here was
noise .... screaming noise, like a weird radio in a hurricane,
and my vision went.
i felt very very shit indeed. to put it bluntly.
i was sweating profusely for about 10 minutes, so hot...
i managed to "keep a hold" of myself by low humming and breathing
in tones.
just.
i did it again the following morning, just to check it wasn't a one off.
and the same thing happened. [ i laughed ]
it currently feels like i've got a sword stuck into my right flank.
ouch.
but i'm happy :-) and smiling still [ y' know me.... ]
but it is damned painful.... sometimes [ mainly if i've been standing
for a while ] it'll go away.... but if i lie down it gets really bad.
not sure how i'm going to physically sleep tonight yet.
took a while last night just to be able to feel a little less than
very uncomfortable.
but, as far as i know, there's nowt you can do for broken ribs.
except wait.... i'm going to get to the hostpital maybe tomorrow i think
just in case the rib is away from hiting other bits of me that are more
important.
no sympathy letters please, i'm not saying this for that.
i'm saying it to show a story of how the feelings i have sensed since
something grew within me alow me to cope with my pains with happiness.
the pain i've had this week has been the most pain i've ever felt,
even more than my awakening pains [ although some similar symptoms
when blacking out ] ... but i am joy-full.
please, i'm no weirdo massochist
[
"really?"
"well, not for years anyway :-) ...
....and anyway that was just an adolescent goth front i was using ..... so shush , again"
]
no, no want for pain here. just the total acknowledgement of it.
of it all.
this morning on the bus to work, a friend, and ex collegue from my
previous job when told of my rib injury asked me if he could pray
for me, i said "of course you may, thank you"
and there on the top deck of the morning bus, he layed his hands on
me and closed his eyes and prayed aloud.
there was a love for his action.
there was a love in his action.
there was a love in the target of his action.
there was love in my feeling of his openness.
every thing seems to open our eyes too wide or close them too shut.
laughter makes me squint.
vaguely to bozzi and lobby the lobster...
hehe, like what your saying there, aye....
and perhaps to be naked [ and simple ] is to :
live where you should and within your means
and to not care what other people see of your mind or your body.
[ as your aforementioned tribespeoples ]
i remember a protestant christian [ aledgedly ] leafletter approached
me in the street with a leaflet-from-god
[
"huh, and his leaflets were on non-recycled paper too, the bastard! :-)"
"'scuse me?"
"god, well if eees the supreeeeeme bein' right?, and has always existed, right?"
"riiiiighttttttt?"
"then god must be a bastard?, can't reaaally have a god-father, can he? cause then the god-father
would be god, and then he'd be god-god-father... or god-father-father, and then it'd...."
"okay okay,o, i seee your point.... well , okay i'll let you off this once, i thought you were being rude"
"now would i?"
"hmm..."
]
aaanyway, this leafletter did the usual sprawl about me being lost and all that.... hell, burning, pit, death.
and i asked him if jesus had truly saved him, why did you still wear a smart suit and tie?
"to be presentable"
i wasn't convinced... and i don't think he really knew either.
but then he said that the fact that i felt peace and love without his belief were the words of satan
coming through me, so who am i to say?
i wear clothes, of course, but not because i'm not naked, i wear clothes because i'd otherwise be cold
[ so i'm probably living outside of my natural means, i accept that ]
and i wear "pretty" clothes for two distinct reasons:
1. my job, the government likes only uniformed people to poke at it's computers. [ that's not a dig, just a thing ]
2. to attract members of the opposite sex [ based on my historic experience and preferences anyway ] .
and none of those things make me not naked either. they serve food, shelter, and reproduction.
there was a point to all that, but i've forgot in all the tangents.
ahh well, maybe the point was made in some holstic view of all that,
depends on how you read it. i'm not trying to say anything about a *me*, just how that me sees things.
fuzzy things and stuff.
here's a song i writtedded last summer....
the week before my mate gave me that book on kundalini [ the first i'd really heard of it ]
[ he read the song and said i should read about it ]
i'd been researching the dogon at the time.
and stuff... like terrance mckenna land, and heisenberg.... like y'do.
I'm sailing like a god,
and in the east I see the rising dog,
I think I used to know you, from eternity,
but since then you've sailed a million years of light from me.
Are you the star from where I came,
am I the reflection of the same
from the spiral before I awoke,
from the children of the nephilim and elohim we broke.
chorus: [ all together now.... ]
Now the dog gone days of summer come,
and sensation rises like a hum
so the snake that lies coiled inside my spine
rises up through the cord into my mind.
You've awoken the crown,
opened up from the base,
and I see I'm just a child in what these humans call a race
I may dream of you at night,
you drift with me like golden light,
all earth born and warm, the fire inside
this will of life and light is just a ride
Is it time to come home now,
are the tides of life receding now,
out of the darkness of the past,
the new day is dawning, we are here at last
nighty night,
within love and peace,
martin.
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