To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/12/22 14:33
Subject: Re: [K-list] woe
From: Hecatenyxx
On 2003/12/22 14:33, Hecatenyxx posted thus to the K-list:
Hello,
I agree with what Hety has told you, but I will not repeat what was already said.
rejection...dont know how to acheive
> fulfillment.moderation means nothing to me...im always
> an extremist....i either fully indulge in life or stay
> aloof and pursue other mental activities usually done
> this all my life, experiencing pleasure brings fear to
> me, as im so scared its going to go away)...
Strange, how I feel I can relate so much to this. I'm not very experienced, just turned 17, but still I felt a lot like that not too long ago. I have grown IMMENSLY, but fear of things going away, and being an extremist, I certainly felt like. Now, I wasn't self indulgent as in material/physical things, but I indulged in things dealing more with mind and spirit. Chatting online constantly with people who meant nothing to me yet they did because they were an escape, trying to be accepted, and I indulged in self hate too. I noticed that with me it was either black or white. I could blame it on being a teenager, but whatever. I've grown, I feel much better now and that's what matters. I learned. I got into the deepest relationship I could with someone online (well deepest you could without being face to face physically), and I broke up with him. I love him still and always will unless he turns out to be a liar. My point is, I did it because I was terrified something bad would happen anyway. It was too good to be true. I was terrified ALSO that someone else who introduced me to him was too much on my mind. I cared about him, I found him to be fun to talk to, I felt a bit attached to him and that terrified me. I always wanted to push people away. Always. If I didn't love them I wanted them completely away from me, to not care for them. But that's not how it works, or how I truly work at least. I've realized it's ok to like someone and not love them and want to spend your life with them at the same time. I've realized I do enjoy connecting with people, even though it may not seem as deep as with the man I love. I'm not incredibly social still, but I can connect now, and I'm not as afraid.
> i try self- inquiry, try to maintain my sense of self
> and always try to see how i could be responsible for
> creating the situation. I feels empowering, but i cant
> seem to change the patterns i seem to have set....
> I dont know why i go thru these periods of self hate
> and loathing....if only i could clear that....
And you can :) I know you can. I don't know you well, and I know we are different people, but maybe in a way we aren't as in universal connection we have with everyone. You know what got me through and will always? Man I love always told me, everything is based on your own attitude, on your perspective, and you have the power to change it. Everyone has their own world, that's their truth. Everyone has their own truth meaning if we realize that, we have realized our power. He told me this over and over, until after we broke up it finally hit me. I've been looking inside myself and not have indulged in "negativity" or self hate. The more you realize the more you can do something about it.
> Please someone guide me...i wait with an open mind.
Aw, not guide ;) but simply a sort of tool you can use from people's suggestions. Tool, my favorite band in fact, has quite a fitting name. They are simply a tool as many things are, but think for yourself, lead your own self. They certainly have been a tool for me and speak words that I feel I understand now.
I hope you have a great journey in life, and it's not too late :)
- Victoria
P.S.- another tool...
Forty-Six & 2
My shadow's
Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of meTo get a reminder of your password or adjust your subscription, visit:
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org/mailman/listinfo/k-list_kundalini-gateway.org
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