2003/12/22 00:48-Deepak Srinivasan-[K-list] woe

To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/12/22 00:48
Subject: [K-list] woe
From: Deepak Srinivasan

On 2003/12/22 00:48, Deepak Srinivasan posted thus to the K-list:

i haven't written or logged on here in a long time. i
was before an ardent "spiritualist", trying to deny my
bodily and material needs looking to conquer and move
into a spiritual phase. But that didnt happen. i was
frustrated bewildered...
i AM NOw at a point, where i let myself go, fell in
love and let all my defences fall (didnt know that the
spirituality was a defence to safeguard being
vulnerable, an intellectual cloak- aloofness) and have
been rejected and heartbroken. i didnt want it to
happen from day 1, for the fear of the aftermath, the
anticipation of its death scaring me....
I do not know whether it was meant to happen or i
brought it down upon myself,
I realise i am sort of addicted to pain, and
rejection...dont know how to acheive
fulfillment.moderation means nothing to me...im always
an extremist....i either fully indulge in life or stay
aloof and pursue other mental activities usually done
this all my life, experiencing pleasure brings fear to
me, as im so scared its going to go away)...
i try self- inquiry, try to maintain my sense of self
and always try to see how i could be responsible for
creating the situation. I feels empowering, but i cant
seem to change the patterns i seem to have set....
I dont know why i go thru these periods of self hate
and loathing....if only i could clear that....
im totally disillusioned...i have written a lot of
times before too...always with similar queries, got
answers at times but mostly didnt.
Please someone guide me...i wait with an open mind.

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To: K-list Recieved: 2003/12/22 00:48 Subject: [K-list] woe From: Deepak Srinivasan

To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/12/22 00:48
Subject: [K-list] woe
From: Deepak Srinivasan