To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/11/11 15:48
Subject: [K-list] Waffle (was RE: Void and Self. )
From: Rich
On 2003/11/11 15:48, Rich posted thus to the K-list:
Dear Mystress + K-List,
Thank you for this post. It is nice to get an update on how things change
and reading the post from the archive made me think of some things in my own
trek. It made me think to be more open about my own experiences. Judgement
will always be but I'd prefer not to be in a cave. Expressing and involving
with ones progress can only help move things along. I'd rather handle the
stones than stay inside too long.
I've been contemplating my own relationship to this and other lists.
Realising my days and mind become full of thought projections, stories and
endless waffle (greatly more on other lists). What is useful seems to be
reducing each day.
At the moment this is the only list I actually pay attention to. The other K
related ones generally get too cumbersome by a high quantity and/or sizable
posts. Here people seems to be more thoughtful about posting which I like.
But I have come to realise that putting value on the K-List and the wisdom
of others is against the grain and less direct than getting clear and
knowing from within. It seems there is unlimited insight and wisdom within.
Wisdom within is specific and given in a way that can be understood or if
not understood that serves a higher interest.
I'm sure this is going to be a long post but it help me gather my own
thoughts and here I think is the real benefit of writing. Sharing with
others is just something which we do. Maybe to gain new ideas or insights or
push out the boundaries of our limitation in awareness and experience a
little further.
I once thought that people only write because they perceive lack be it in
their world or another's. It feels easy and a form of creativity too. They
are both true.
So I'm going to waffle... The insight within is remarkable and I know I
don't pay enough attention because I'm too caught up in things as I am a
slave to my work and ideas but slowly piece by piece things drop away and
the voice within becomes the guiding light. It is in meditation where I
notice this most. Meditation is a funny thing. It makes it sound like one is
doing something but really they are not. Do you mediate someone once asked
me? I said no, I just observe, the meditation happens to me. This I feel is
resonant. I write now throwing ideas around and seeing what bubbles up. An
outpour.
Anyway, so regarding the list. I think it is about balance. I would enjoy
much more if I wasn't involved with IT so much. It is a choice and it isn't.
A choice because I could go and pick apples as was suggested to me recently.
But it isn't as I am a slave to my mind, my conditioning and habits. This
never changes. Habits form quickly and unknowingly. Do something twice and
it may be a habit. Kundalini doesn't like habit though especially if they
are not aligned with her intention. There to break routine. To see nothing
is routine or robotic and all is happening afresh, now and always. It is
silly to think it is not. It is silly to think.
So in the emptiness there is creativity. I guess the same that which
Mystress talks of. It is there for ever and abundance is abundant. I
consider now my own relationship to things. All is relationship that is not
in non-duality.
Well I start to waffle and see a new ego. A waffling ego. Spiritiual babble.
Best I know to let go of anything I believe I am is to ask how does this
serve me? Seeing that it doesn't really is the way I can let things go.
(Especially the subtle things put on auto-habit which have been around and I
barely notice anymore.)
So this, it serves me for a while. Reach a goal of learn spiritual stuff and
be awakened. Think it make me popular and people want to love me for this.
What a load of tosh. Part of a good waffler is to know how to recite and
talk the lingo. Even if they are just passing stories. Some of it sticks I
guess. Even the mind can get to a state if it believes it exists enough.
Hypnosis works. Not as direct but it shifts the view. One illusion world
into another. Do we ever really see that all is nothing. That only from no
mind.
Humblitude. I've decided to give this place a name. Being humble seems a
silly thing to say. I'm grateful. This is natural. Grateful for all that is.
I don't see the fear now. Don't see this shit. Don't see my ugly face he he.
Grateful I have air to breath. Isn't that enough. Grateful for being a
nothing (a no-thing ;).
But where does it end. Even in Matrix Revolutions there were unanswered
questions. Everything has a purpose. Being alone and purposeless is not a
purpose. In one way, it seems I am never alone and always alone in the same
moment. It doesn't change but which way I drift does. Fading further into
duality. To conquer fear, our dark recesses and sickly horrors of torment,
our shadow, it so seems I have to melt with it and live it, breath it, eat
it, fuck it whatever. This was what this movie showed me. (The latter ****
it implying through goddess). It seems to work!
Even Goddess seems to wreck havoc to destroy my world so I have nothing and
stay with nothing. Make me cherish the nothing. This is inescapable just
like having a mind. They seem like infinite opposites. Polarised in a higher
fabric that is beyond beyond. Slowly I am disappearing. Maybe one day I will
be invisible.
And so I chase women thinking I need to share my life with someone. Funny
how events move in my world to make this seemingly impossible (like a split
ice-berg moving off in a different direction with my fantasy future come
desire.) And when I give into fate two arrive on my doorstep and decide to
stay the night together. I couldn't remember when I'd last laughed so hard.
Life is like plastic sometimes. Flexible and bendy.
So where does it stop. I know I create my life. This is scary and exciting
at the same time. But even knowing this doesn't change much. More careful of
thoughts and actions. But we can't escape that which is set like a hardened
iron bar, our compiled formation from pre-conception and beyond. It can bend
slowly and does over the years. Until it is destroyed I am a victim of my
pasts. To see my fears creating hells and my passions creating bliss. Follow
bliss but the fears come with it. When I am truly able to create anything in
my world in that same moment it would be the time to stop creating
altogether.
It's interesting when I post to the list I feel for a while after how my
post is received as others connect and send their own thoughts and feelings
out. It's usually harmless and being discerning in what is said usually
avoids anything more than a light brushing. But it's got me thinking. Every
action has an equal and opposite reaction. That which is empty has minimal
repercussions.
As I moved to a new home last week, I decided to clear out on some ex-gf
stuff. She was a very serious partner from before and my feeling now is she
found her own empathy from me. She told me she still feels connected to me
and even though I thought this anyway as still feel stuff which isn't mine
occasionally and ask inwardly to find it is to go to back. I replied to her
and said I don't think there is any connection. Mainly to break her own
belief than anything other. Last time we spoke her expression was like I was
reading the things I'd say.
I felt later this was causing her some strife but what can I do? I guess she
will find something that will give her sense on things in time.
Maybe this is the end but even with things like this I realise I invite them
in and at some level. I wanted the connection. How does it serve me. A
confirmation of my own experiences. Love and hugs from her. I guess I still
feel I need that.
Ahh well..... Life goes on.... Life goes on.... And where do I go... Make my
inner home, home ....
Comments and Waffle welcome. Projections to the moon.
Rich
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