To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/11/05 01:52
Subject: [K-list] Trying again...
From: One Man Alone
On 2003/11/05 01:52, One Man Alone posted thus to the K-list:
Hi, One Man Alone here(18 now). I haven't been active
with the list for some time. I needed time to clear
the slate. I must admit, my head was a mess. If anyone
still remembers me, yes; I'm still quite angry at the
world and I'm still the same person I was before, for
the most part. Originally, when I first awakened my
Kundalini, it was too sudden, and it got messy. I was
literally going insane. (As usual, I'm shaking as I
type this, being personal and all). For the longest
time, I was angry at virtually everything. I was a
belligerent, vindictive, bitter person. I even
developed OCD to a larger extent(I've had it for
years, but it was relatively calm) and it's taken me
months of medication to reach an OK level. I still
have OCD a little, and so there's a chance it will
regrow into the arduous curse that it was before.
Overall, I had been confused, angry, lonely, and even
strongly thought about giving up my resistance and go
on some kind of rampage, but the
(metaphorically)little angel on my shoulder reminded
me that I wouldn't get very far with such nonsense.
I'd go out, hit some people, break some windows, then
I'd get arrested in a very lame manner. It annoyed me
that I couldn't destroy as much as I wanted to. I had
3 major rage-filled panic attacks, where I was frozen,
screaming, growling, panting, and very angry. Over
time, going to church every Sunday, I was constantly
reminded of my obligation to my God that I must be the
best I can be for the sake of His glory and my debt to
Jesus Christ. Every time I'm in church, I hold back
tears of pain, for how much I let Him down. I remember
His love and that He just wants the best for me, so I
knew I had to become a better person than I was. Weeks
and weeks passed where I would do nothing in a day but
think and sort out my problems, mentally creating a
council of figures that represented my many emotions,
letting them speak on how I felt and should feel. Over
time, I went to a few therapy sessions to spill my
guts and drop the boulder off my chest, which relieved
a lot of problems. Through all this time, I ignored my
K for the sake of being clear. These days, I'm
constantly becoming a better Christian, a better
human, and I'm feeling more energetic in a good way
(as opposed to always running off of adrenaline rushes
from rage). I would like to apologize to everyone on
the list that I've ever annoyed, upset, or offended in
the past. I believe I'm a better human than I use to
be, constantly gaining more to offer to my fellow man.
I still have a long way to go before I can be truly
happy, but I'm getting there. I've said things like
this before, but it was those kinds of quiet, calm
moments in the year that would cause my confusion,
making me believe I might have gotten better, but this
time the change was started by ME, and through my
efforts I was able to calm down to sort things
out...... What? What's my point? Well, I would like
some advice on how to restart practicing with K in a
positive way, to avoid going crazy and seeing phantoms
in my windows. Whoever read this whole message, thank
you for listening to my problems. If you didn't read
the whole thing, that's cool too; It's very garrulous
and long winded. Thank you.
=====
Sign - One Man Alone
I'm alone.
I deserve to be alone.
I will die alone.
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