To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/07/20 12:50
Subject: [K-list] Relationships, Reality, Mirroring, etc.
From: Jennifer Hutson

Hello Everybody,

I really want to get some feedback from the group about relationships/mirroring and reality creation. Part of my K-Experience has resulted in extreme self-consciousness and social phobia. But also, it appears sometimes that everywhere I go, I am facing myself. My fears or my thoughts or whatever. Like my inside is manifesting outside in extreme detail. My question is, if a relationship with a person is like a mirror and they respond to your thoughts and feelings constantly, where is their free will if you are constantly projecting? But, I've tried not projecting, and its essentially impossible. Do you believe that someone can pull you in like a tractor beam, or that you can pull them in?

I am having a lot of trouble with the relationship that I'm having with my boyfriend. It has always been a tense thing, and he has extremely strong K, although he doesn't relate to it as such. He is a hippie from the sixties, and has studied more metaphysical things than anyone I have ever known, and has had classic K-type symptoms for a long time. The day that I met him, he put his arm around me and my crown chakra opened up. But he also has the biggest and strongest ego of anyone I've known, which I instinctively find threatening. He used to tell me, "Oh its just your ego." But I feel in a way that he has his huge ego confused with his Self, his "permanent I" as he calls it. But then again, I've always felt less than, or greater than, and not really able to relate to others well (of course, most of the people I've known don't see it that way). We've been together for 2 and 1/2 years. I feel at this point like I just cannot cooperate with him because he believes so strongly in creating his own reality that if I don't respond to his ideas the way he imagines I should, it seems like he thinks isn't doing something right in regards to his reality creation. I guess I kind of feel like I'm a puppet in his reality, because his vision is so strong. I never feel comfortable around him, like I will dissolve in his presence. Sometimes I really feel like he's some kind of savior, like he was brought to bring me some kind of message. Other times I feel like I am involved with some kind of con-man. I feel addicted to him, and yet, I don't trust him. I cannot imagine justifying my actions the way he justifies his, yet I cannot argue with his reasoning. I don't think I'm explaining this very well, but hopefully I'm conveying something like what is happening. He has helped me a lot, and been very kind and sweet and put up with things that I wouldn't, but it seems like I have to act like a child to receive love from him. Also, I can't help but feel he has an ulterior motive, namely, the love of adoration, which has always annoyed me (probably because I do not accept this part of myself because I think its dangerous). Am I projecting? I can't tell who is who anymore.

Also, if everything is just symbolic, and all is one, then when we get deep into our K-stuff, aren't we really sacrificing diversity? I often feel like everyone is just a reflection of me. I don't know, is anyone else having trouble maintaining relationships? I can't even seem to keep friendships since my first K-opening. Everything feels fake, mostly I feel like I'm fake and everyone else is real.

Hope at least some of this makes sense. All input / thoughts are appreciated!

Thanks,

Jennifer
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