To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/07/10 20:30
Subject: [K-list] Re: modus operandi to Deepak
From: Jennifer Hutson
On 2003/07/10 20:30, Jennifer Hutson posted thus to the K-list:
Deepak,
I can really relate to the things that you are saying. You are being so hard on yourself and seeing your "lower" qualities as reasons to hate yourself. I have spent a long time in this same trap. I still go through this, but the only way that I am coping is to ignore these aspects of myself as often as possible, unless I can be productive and non-judgmental about them. You can do a lot of damage to your psyche when you are feeling all these judgements. It is exceedingly difficult to ignore these things, I know, I am just barely starting to come out of a similar mind. When it gets this bad, sometimes you have to go back to basics. I'm reminded of the story that Deepak Chopra recounts of the yogi who tells the disciple, "every net has holes, find one and swim out." That is not to make it sound simple, I know I feel resentful when people make it sound simple. I don't find it simple at all. But what I mean is, I don't think you can always eradicate parts of your "lower" self by studying the net, i.e., trying to figure yourself and your situation out.
About your sexual attraction to this roommate, please do not judge yourself on this point. I realize how uncomfortable it is. I myself am having serious issues with my sexuality, in terms of having strange desires and judging myself for them. You're attraction probably has more of a symbolic meaning than a literal one. You are probably burning to become the person you think you can be or should be. He symbolizes all these things at the moment, and your sexual attraction may well be stemming from the feeling that this "beingness" you desire is outside and opposite yourself, and you strongly desire to merge with it. You probably feel that your reality is taunting you. You don't have to let it. Try your best not to let it as often as you can. I go through a certain head-space where I feel that reality is taunting me from the outside, and I know that its my own mind, and just today I said to this mind, "I don't have to take this." It actually helped. Just yesterday, I could not have said that and meant it. Progress seems to be back and forth. I literally have to judge my progress one thought/feeling at a time these days. But I am finding that rewarding myself even for very small progress is starting to help. I deeply relate to your feelings, and I want you to know there is hope. One of the other things I am trying to do is when I feel those icky "lower" feelings I try not to resist them too much. I find that I push my spiral further downwards when I keep batting my judgement of a particular action/reaction back and forth in my mind. Just work on letting it go, little by little.
One final thought on meditation. Keep trying. I've been studying various spiritual and metaphysical paths for 10 years, and just today was the first time I think I really meditated. Just paying attention to my breath lying down in a quiet place for 10 minutes. Literally I have never been able/willing to do this in 10 years. But today, I think I actually relaxed for a few split seconds. Its not hopeless. You aren't unable. Your vehicle is just experiencing turbulence. You are just as beautiful as every beautiful thing in the universe. Stop looking so hard at yourself and you might see :o)
Lots of Love,
Jennifer
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