To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/07/10 17:31
Subject: Re: [K-list] modus operandi?
From: Deepak Srinivasan
On 2003/07/10 17:31, Deepak Srinivasan posted thus to the K-list:
hello all,
I have a story to tell....it might go on forever and
may not be connected, but please bear with me.
I have been caught up lately with a relationship
that's so totally turned my life upside down without
actually doing anything significant. It has to do
with my interaction with a new roomate who is somewhat
like me in a lot of his interests and mirrors what i
think is my shadowy self...the one that i want to be
but have'nt been able to live up to due to excuses and
life situations that i exaggerated in my mind. I am so
frustrated at having to see this guy do everything,
have everything work out for him effortlessly, and me
on the other hand, struggling and trugging and living
such a dumpster life....i also am aware of the fact
that some lower emotions have struck here...jealosy
hatred, anger at me and at him and at life for being
so partial....and yet, I try to be an angel and make
life easier for him by helping him out coz ultimately,
I know that its not his fault....its just that im such
a looser and will always not be able to create what i
want in my life....it does'nt seem to be upto
me....i[m self destructive...
i have tried to get myself out of this no-life that i
have been leading and tried to do what he does and
what i think may make me also feel happy ...to loose
all the excuses and get on with actually enjoying
life, but it seems like a farce and i don'y feel any
true happiness from that either....
also, l feel a strange sexual attraction to
him....don't know why...and i hate the fact that its
happening.....i try to disentangle all this in my mind
but its do damn hard....i also hate myself for being
so lowly and feeling these basal emotions that i
always thought i had conquered....
i do not know what is happening to me....everytime i
come to terms with some issues in my life, and some
relationships...and think its over, its not!!! i have
not effectively solved or healed anbything but always
run away....i have similar situations and people
chasing me......how does one grow out of these
patterns and stop falling into the same trap over and
over again? I have tried meditation, can't do it...my
mind's too restless...i've tried mantras, they don't
help....i have tried to live my life for others,
putting the people i care about and anyone in general
first, by putting my life on hold for them, and going
out of the way to help, but nothing good ever happens
to me. I am scorned at for being sensitive ( a man
should'nt be thus u see) and caring.....to the point
that i have to stop and wonder if the caring attitude
is to get attention and buy love or if its
inherent....i don't know anymore...i have lost all
essence of who i am and have lost all hopes in
life....i have tried to go after my dreams, they don't
work...i have tried to lay them to rest, and let
go....they still don't work and i come back to being
controlling and spoil the whole thing....
i have spoken enough nonsense....it is not even
relevant to the topics on this list, but i just needed
to do this...i have so badly wanted to talk with
someone on this....i have'nt been able to...
sorry folks, and thnaks for listening.....
Deepak
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