To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/07/07 00:08
Subject: [K-list] Rubbish
From: Tom

Hi,

I'm Tom (19), living with parents... having some great fun.

But what is that? Every day, more and more empty. I just sit. What else
to do? Doing things seems a bit pointless. Now this is getting very deep.
Just a little wind and I could be blown off course, I could go mad. I want
to talk, to natter... so I hope you don't mind if I share my rubbish:

I think I had one of those dark nights 2 months or so ago. I didn't take it
too well. I was in such a mess that my parents took me to some doctors
(lots of checks, but healthy) then a psychiatrist. And how wonderful the
visit to the psychiatrist was! My whole body felt like it was going to
explode from the heat and pain, and he was asking questions about the
schools I had been to in the past! I started laughing - I must've been
crazy, they were right to take me there. I was given some little tablets
every day. They made me very sleepy. I slept and slept... so weak and
feeling even weaker with the tablets. I was turning into a zombie. Another
week and I would've been just like my parents.

At the end of the week I had never before felt so helpless. I wrote out a
note to my family, lied down with my arms and legs spread out in total agony
and surrended, expecting to die. But I didn't. Just some stupid sounds and
a purple light.

I've been getting stronger and weaker since then, up and down. I don't know
much at all about kundalini, but i've been watching myself and i'm starting
to learn a bit more. My parents must be learning about me too, they're
always watching me! Like paranoid hawks, "Is he crazy?". They even started
complaining at me for drinking water now. They read some crap in a
newspaper that a boy died from drinking too much water.

During the week I am so bored. I only see my friends on weekends. Nothing
to do but sit during the week - everything else seems pointless. Where is
love? I want to talk! Nobody to talk to. And something so frustrating - I
meet all sorts of girls, lately I seem to attract plenty of girls. But at
the last minute before we meet, something happens... and it has to be
cancelled. This happens all the time! About 10 times in the last 6 weeks -
ridiculous.

But I want to have a relationship - someone to hug! I could hug forever! I
tried hugging my pillow but I didn't feel any love, very empty. Is that my
fault or the pillow?

Time for bed
Goodnight,
:)
Tom


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