To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/05/15 15:26
Subject: [K-list] life is cruel
From: Shellelr
On 2003/05/15 15:26, Shellelr posted thus to the K-list:
On Monday I made the decision, with my vet, to euthanize my dear old cat, Sandy. He would have been 18 years old on June 1st. I've had him since the day he was born in 1985. We had a special bond from the start. He was truly a personality and a soul to me, a tender and dear friend, my child for nine years before I had a human child. He was blind the last year of his life and terribly ill and disoriented and weak the last three weeks. I held him while he died. My daughter and I buried him in our backyard in a soft pillowcase, with dogwood blossoms and lavender from our yard. We planted pinks on his resting place.
My husband, who shared those 18 years with Sandy, is working out of town for a few months. So a neighbor accompanied me to the vet and drove me home. Another neighbor dug the grave for me.
These days since Monday have been excruciating. Everywhere in my house are reminders of the things I no longer have to do for my sick old kitty anymore; when he was alive I thought I'd be relieved not to have to clean up after him so much. But I am terribly sad and know I would have gladly done them forever for him, if he could have stayed with me.
I feel badly about the relief I felt when my vet recommended euthanasia. I was actually hoping he would, because my dear old boy needed help, and I would not have been able to demand it on my own. But the pain of going through his death with him hugely overshadowed the relief. My heart re-breaks everytime I remember his sad little body. I worry that I ruined his death by crying so hard. When I held him afterward, his body sighed twice, and his bladder relaxed. I am trying to think that is maybe when his soul actually left his body, when we were alone and I was holding him tenderly.
I am in so much pain. It is hard to eat, to breathe, to stand up straight. I am going through the motions with my daughter. I think I see Sandy around the house and then realized it's a tan sweater, a grocery bag on the kitchen floor, or my daughter's little worn-out stuffed lamb. I try to clean the house and I find his hairs on the blanket on the couch. I dream about Sandy in the early morning hours, and he's younger and whole, with normal, seeing eyes.
I look at our other two cats, less than two years old, who I loved, and they are like strangers to me that I am simultaneously repelled by and wish to be close to.
I have honestly only felt grief this bad one other time, for my grandfather. I feel I have lost a huge, dear part of me. I am angry. I thought I was loved, but Life feels very cruel.
I know this is not about K. I guess I need to be listened to right now. I hope it's okay.
Shelle
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