To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/05/07 23:04
Subject: [K-list] Heartache, Pain, Miscommunication and Filth
From: Whimsical Zephyr
On 2003/05/07 23:04, Whimsical Zephyr posted thus to the K-list:
----- Original Message -----
From: "Rita Metermaid" <r1ta_metermaid AT_NOSPAM yahoo.com>
To: <whimsicalzephyr AT_NOSPAM warp.nfld.net>
Sent: Wednesday, May 07, 2003 7:06 PM
Subject: Fwd: Re: Off topic Re: [K-list] FYI - My E-mail Address
> Hello Sabrina -
Hi Rita, *hugs*
Thank you for your compassion and love. Your energy is beautiful to me right
now.
. When you talk of people ripping
> your heart out - what i want to ask is are you sure
> they are doing that on purpose?
No, I do not think they are doing it on purpose. I do not think they are
truly aware of how much they are hurting me. And if they are ripping at my
heart, unconsciously or conscoiusly, perhaps it is for the best. Ask
God/dess to take the pieces of my heart and replace them with better
ones....a heart that belongs to the gods.
Is there any
> possibility that there are just some things that are
> misunderstandings, or misinterpretations all around?
Absolutely. I am convinced that these interpersonal problems are complete
misunderstandings and misinterpretations that stem from empathy, fear and
love.
> Lately, i have started resorting to trying to be more
> direct in asking people questions whenever i find
> myself feeling hurt by them - I know, it is not an
> esoteric thing to do - but how else do we know for
> sure? I mean, do we ever know what another person's
> reality is, what they are feeling?
I have been assuming far too much.....and making an ass of myself. In the
beginning of my friendship with these two people, they did little things to
anger and hurt me. But I wanted to tell them honestly how I felt, but was
too afraid. Too afraid to rock the boat, too afraid to cause a scene, too
afraid to disrupt the social order.....usually I see these two people when
hanging with our mutual social group, or doing things with the local pagan
society. But I figured...it's just small stuff, I can let it go, it's not
that big a deal. Repression. And little things added up. And when I realized
how much it was affecting me, I knew I had to talk to them. So I went to
mutual friends for advice and feedback. But I realize that this was gossip,
whether my intentions were benign or malignant. And I have to say, I started
to feel malignant. But......at some point, I told both of them exactly how I
felt, and my interpretations of what they had done to affect me. And they
both seemed kind of confused, but neither of them really responded to me.
They just kind of accepted what I was saying, didn't say much in return, and
we agreed to put it behind us.
And then one of them snapped at me and started screaming at me one night.
And the other one has been acting rather strangely towards me, and i have no
idea why. When I am clearer in body and mind, I plan to ask her. And the
other one? I went to him and apologized for the things I had said to him and
others, and told him that in future when he hurts me, I will pull himself
aside and talk about it reasonably and calmly, instead of overreacting and
snapping back. But......I no longer care if either one of them are close
friends any longer. Perhaps we will be close again in future...but I am
letting go of caring what happens with our friendship. It will resolve
itself in time, and the best I can do is to not let it affect me anymore.
And now I realize that by me talking to mutual friends about the issues was
gossip, and did absolutely nothing to help, and made it worse. And I suppose
both friends have heard what I have said about them.....and therefore, I
realize that my approach to interpersonal conflict needs to be more honest,
and calm, and centered in the moment. Not repressed, not over-analyzed, not
talked about incessintly with others, not held inside so long that it erupts
into all-out war. I am still casual friends with both.....we are involved in
so many social activities together. But I am going to pull back and look
within and withdraw my energy from both until God/dess makes it clear to me
how to act, and how to not react.
>From www.dictionary.com:
Rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature.
A person who habitually spreads intimate or private rumors or facts.
Trivial, chatty talk or writing.
A close friend or companion.
a relation by a religious obligation
I find these last two definitions absolutely hilarious!!
What i would say is
> that if *i* were the one whom you felt had ripped your
> heart out, i would so very very much want you to ask
> me about it... or to tell me. I would want you to say
> to me "rita, do you know that i feel thus and so when
> you do this and that..." And i would open the
> dialog...
That is wonderful....I have many friends whom I can do this with, and they
are the friends that have stood the test of time.
Because sometimes i am very
> subtlety-impaired myself and i miss things and
> misunderstand things...
I have decided to stop trying to look for the hidden meanings and subtle
intent from others, and just let it flow......and to stop over-interpreting
what others do.
And i would NEVER want anyone
> to feel as though i have ripped out their heart...
Sure, it feels like they are ripping pieces of my heart out...but it is
really God/dess, and the thing that resonates with me is to just allow
God/dess to replace the fragments with divine energy.
*sings* 'Have another little piece of my heart now, baby...
Have another little piece of my heart.....take it, break it'
> That would just crush me and flatten me and i honestly
> have tears in my eyes right now as i write this to
> you...
I myself have ripped out pieces of other people's hearts....it is
unavoidable, and all part of the universe.....it is how we deal with it that
matters. I just ripped out pieces of my exes heart.....but he appears to be
putting it back together relatively well, and we are talking honestly and
openly about the hurt and pain of the past.
I think that you and i have only 'talked' once
> - back last fall about an image, with wings and a tail
> - where you could balance a glass of milk by the tail,
> as i recall...
Yeah, that still happens from time to time....the wings are great! The loopy
cords are generally caused either from a lack of groundedness, or different
chakras passing energy back and forth. Generally I can attach my grounding
cord to the centre of the earth now. I still walk like that, though!!
Question: did we talk about both of us having auto-immune disorders? Or was
that another person *waves to Carol* I still do not know if God/dess wants
me to be arthritic in the future....intuition tells me that my arthritis
manifested as Teacher, to show me the beauty in pain and to show me how to
listen to my body. I have gotten conflicting messages from the Heart, but it
is clear to me that me having arthritis in the future is a big 'Maybe.' I
have also traced my arthritis back to a time of heartbreak, emotional pain,
repressed hurt and anger, and the loss of confidence and self-expression
that happened to me as a small child.....I began to believe I was unworthy
of love, and my heart shut down.....and my immune system started to attack
my body. I also remember that four years ago, for a period of a few weeks,
my arthritis miraculously started healing followed by a heart chakra
awakening....I believe that problems with my heart chakra are linked to the
disease.Within this small time period I experienced love for myself, for
others, for all the world, complete and utter trust in the gods and others,
forgiveness, compassion, and a sense of well-being.....and it was truly
miraculous how much better I felt. I was moving in ways I hadn't moved since
I was a small child.
But then I started to doubt, and mistrust, and fear, and couldn't get
grounded......and was hit with one of the worse flare-ups of my life. Which
also happened to me last October. I do not know if God/dess wants me to be
the dancer I always wanted to be.......but I know that most of my physical
pain is caused by me resisting the will of God/dess. Observing my body has
shown me this.
Anyway, if *i* were the cause of your
> heart being ripped out, i would so want you to just
> talk openy with me about it... You know, i had lots of
> trauma in my life, and spent 5 years of intense
> therapy working on it... And one thing i learned is
> the importance of talking.
Sometimes I talk too much.....sometimes not enough.....hard to find the
Middle Ground between what needs to be said, and what doesn't.....part of
the awakening process, I am sure. Speaking through karma and speaking
through dharma.....another thing to let God/dess handle.
>
> I agree with you about what you said about not sending
> people's stuff back to them - it is not letting
> God/dess handle it AND it does just come back to us
> magnified... I think it is better to just let it wash
> over us and send it down into the earth, just to
> ground us and it, let it be the fertilizer (literally)
> for the beautiful roses and trees in the garden of
> God/dess.
Oh dear gods, I hope this isn't too inappropriate.......but I was using the
bathroom earlier, and had an image of Death scooping out the contents of the
toilet and watching it grow into a beautiful rose....seeing Death hand it to
me. Synchronicity strikes again!!!! Give your shit to God/dess, and S/He
will hand it back more beautiful than you can image.
And to be further vulgar, I have had a couple of visions of Death ripping my
heart out, eating it, and shitting out a beautiful pink jewel-like heart,
and putting it in my chest. You know you're either crazy or grounded when
shit becomes that beautiful to you! *laughs*
>
> Just let it flow... and feel the love... the image you
> wrote of the new heart is beautiful, as are you, and i
> feel love for you just as surely as God/dess does.
Thank you, I feel love for you too.....I could almost hear and see water
flowing back and forth between our hearts as I read your post......seeing no
evil and hearing no evil, just beauty and perfection. As you can tell, I am
still struggling with speak and think no evil.
>
> And lastly, what you wrote about co-dependent
> relationships will, i am sure, help others on the
> list.
Maybe......maybe not......as I recall, last year when I was bitching about
my ex on the k-sex list, JLB told me 'I suggest.. (serious as a heart
attack) that you get a book
on co-dependency addiction.. and go through the
12-step process <break> it can still be a co-dependency
that undermines the trust, confidence, and happiness long term.
The way you know.. is that you don't wonder.'
Thank you, JLB!!! Your words stayed in my mind, and motivated me to realize
I had a problem, and as much as I hate labels, it was good to find a concept
that helped me see my issues clearly. I have a tendency to want to heal the
world far too often.....and it usually backfires on me. I see people as
needing to be healed, and I am the one who winds up needing the healing.
It took me almost a year to realize what jlb was saying and to
understand....but then, Rome wasn't built in a day. The important thing is
that I realize that I have a problem with being a co-dependent enabler, and
that it needs to stop.
Time to look at myself, and take care of myself, and to start seeing people
as the authors of their own fates......and perfectly able to take care of
themselves without my help. The only causes I feel like working for are my
own......the world can take care of itself without me. So....I am drawing my
energy into myself. Chopping wood, carrying water, and only working on
causes that I enjoy working on. Which for me is generally freedom of sexual
expression.....
Here's to seeing the perfection and beauty in everything.....
Sabrina
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