To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/05/07 20:36
Subject: Re: Off topic Re: [K-list] FYI - My E-mail Address
From: Whimsical Zephyr
On 2003/05/07 20:36, Whimsical Zephyr posted thus to the K-list:
Hey all,
> Yikes, Hety!
> Ya know, A few weeks ago, a Pagan High Priest professional psychic
> friend of mine told me that these days, Apr.30/May1 was going to be a big
> transition, painful powerful and with many gifts... it certainly has been,
> for me!
> Anybody else experience unusual chaos?
Very unusual. In the space of a week, I have lost my boyfriend, two close
friends, and have to find a new place to live. As well, I have lost many
illusions, hopes and expectations of many, many things. The chaos was
God/dess way of forcing me to let go.
Last Saturday, April 27 I broke up with my boyfriend, and he made so many
suicide threats that I became alarmed and tried to call 911, at which point
he physically restrained me. Tried to run upstairs for my landlords, as I
seriously believed he was ready to kill himself right then and there. My
boyfriend ran after me and physically dragged me back into the apartment,
kicking and screaming. In order to preserve my safety, I had to promise not
to call the doctors, and to talk to him the next day, and in return I made
him promise not to kill himself during the night.
He came over to talk the next day and promptly had an epileptic seizure, and
so I wound up calling 911 anyway. But at some point during the seizure, he
turned into a living corpse in front of me. He stopped breathing, his skin
went clammy and cold, all the color drained from his face, and there was
nothing behind his eyes - no hint of life at all. And I honestly believe
that I felt his soul leaving his body, and I screamed and screamed, and
anywhere from 10 seconds to a minute later, he started breathing again. And
then his parents and I took him to their place to sleep.
While he was sleeping, I was trying desperaely to get grounded, and I kept
having visions of drag queens, transsexuals and cross-dressers dancing
through my head.
Couldn't understand it.And then after he had slept off the effects of the
seizure, he told me that he felt it was finally time to go get sex
reassignment surgery to become a woman. We also talked about our
relationship, and somehow I found myself promising to stay together and work
things out, and to find a new apartment together, and to support him through
the sex change. Classic passive-aggressive co-dependent
miscommunication........none of this was what I wanted. I just wanted to be
free, and not have to make promises, and not to have to live with anyone.
But of course, I was afraid to tell him this because I was afraid of another
fucking NDE situation, and I found myself powerless to resist the pretty
castles he was building in the air for us.
And then Wednesday (april 30) the adrenaline and fight-or-flight instincts
crashed, and I realized I could not be with this person any longer, that it
wasn't right for me anymore, and that it was extremely co-dependent,
unhealthy, and at times abusive. And I feared breaking up the final time
because I feared more suicide threats and seizures. So I decided to file a
Peace Bond (Canadian restraining order) against him, so I could break up
with him and move on with my life without having to fear more threats of
harm. I feared that breaking off with him would cause another life-and-death
situation, and I wanted the protection of the law as insurance. And I
decided that never seeing him again would be preferable to the
constant bullshit and heartache.
It was a long and sleepless night. And I kept seeing the Death archetype
everywhere I looked and had been seeing Death since maybe a few days before
all this occured. And I kept seeing visions of my boyfriend's corpse, trying
to kill me or holding out a knife to me so I could kill him. These images
were so clear I could almost see them in front of me. Images of me dying by
his hand or vice versa. And then I had a feeling that I would never, ever
see him again. And so I cried and told God/dess that if that was Divine
will, then I would accept it. And then the death archetype turned into
Persephone, the High Priestess, and she smiled and vanished.
I did see him again though, though he is no longer the man I feel in love
with. He is now becoming the girl that has always been trapped inside, the
maidenish, coquettish pagan priestess. I did file that Peace Bond on May 1st
and prepared to let go of him/her forever. However, Sunday night (May 4) I
finally
found the strength to tell him it was over, that I was moving out, and that
I did not know if we could ever be together again. And he was upset, but he
accepted it. Of course he is still clinging to hope that we can work it out,
and we are talking about it. But I have let go of hope, of fear, of
expectations. I do not know if we will ever be together again, I do not know
if I want to be together again, I do not know if I care, and I am taking it
a day at a time. And trying to go within and figure out why I keep putting
myself in co-dependent relationships, and trying to take responsibility for
my part in things.
And so I cancelled the restraining order. If God/dess wants this person out
of my life, S/He will arrange it for me. And my ex is calm and rational now,
and looking forward to the future. And dragging him through court will set
off another fit of despair, panic and irrationality, and further endanger my
safety. And I plan not to put myself in any more situations where he has
power of life and death over me. In other words, though he is of necessity
still in my life, I am keeping a distance, physically and emotionally. The
Sherrif's office still has the summons, and God/dess knows whether it will
stay there or be served to my ex. Time will tell.....
And I also lost two close friendships recently, or more accurately, the
close friendship I've had with two individuals has dimmed down to
acquaintenceship. They have both done things to hurt and anger me, and I
overreacted in the past to this, and apologized to both for overreacting. I
also have crossed the line between venting to others about my problems with
them, and gossiping. But , because I owned up to my part in the conflict, it
makes me the bad guy now. Whatever. It is not worth it to me to continue
being upset about it, these things happen. But I realized that I devoted too
much of my energy to them in the past, and got drained as a result from two
psychic vampires who seek continually to fill themselves from others, and
react with hostility when the gravy train stops. In other words, I tell them
honestly what I feel from them, and observe from them, and the honesty is
too much for them. Of course, I realized I can sometimes derive too much
ego-satisfaction from telling people how I see them, and therefore acting
out of repressed sadistic urges. In other words, I hold up a mirror to
others when I should be holding it up to myself. But it made me realize that
I do not want to be a vampire, be friends with vampires, or be a food source
to anyone. And it made me realize that I am way too fixated with helping
people, and fixing people's problems. And that it is time to be supremely
selfish, and to stop trying to help people who are clearly rooted in
scarcity consciousness. My life is filled with people whom I can never give
enough to, and when I stop the flow, they react viciously to me. And so I
need to seek what it is within me that attracts this. And whenever I feel
the urge to fix people's problems, it is time to surrender it to God/dess,
and wait to see whether or not my help is Divine Will or me just desperately
trying to play peacemaker in order to maintain harmony. And I have decided
the best cure for letting go of the conflict is to minimize interaction with
them, and to stop being emotionally attached to what they do, and not let it
spoil even another minute of my time! And to let God/dess show me what it is
about them that I need to see within myself. And to not analyze it, but just
let God/dess handle it. And I feel better typing these words!!
So.....this last week has been incredibly painful for me, and incredibly
hard. But I feel like many parts of me have died, and that I am not the same
person anymore. I am still the old Sabrina, but somehow not. I feel like she
is dead in the ashes of cosmic burn-out. But getting used to letting go of
many of the things I used to do, and believe, and think is disconcerting. I
am in that in-between period between death and rebirth, and the waiting is
strange and unreal. I feel quite disconnected, yet still attached to life
somehow.
The Death archetype is still here. And numerous times this past week or two,
it has been ripping my heart out, and replacing it with a beautiful new,
jewel-like heart. And it feels so right, and yet so painful. I have decided
that heartbreak is beautiful, and that my heart can break as much as it
needs to, to be replaced by a better one that is in alignment with Divine
Will.
And Death has been ripping out my eyes and ears and replacing them with
jewels. Hear no evil, see no evil.....this happened in response to a prayer
of mine 'Show me the beauty in all of it.' New eyes to see the silver lining
in everything.....new ears to hear beautiful music in the din.....still
having problems with speak no evil. I need to let go of my need to vent and
bitch about things......but I do not know a better way to express my pain
and anger there in the moment. Writing helps, but is not easily accessible
in day-to-day life. And I need to let go of my hostile thoughts about
others, my body has clearly shown me how nasty thoughts of others affects
me. But I am still struggling through this, shedding a skin and feeling
vulnerable and defensive whilst growing a new one.
Perhaps when people hurt me, I should just surrender to the pain and not
question why. Forgive them, and have compassion, and not need to say or do
anything, but just accept the pain they give me as a beautiful gift. Let it
flow through me, ride the waves of pain and heartache, and let God/dess take
care of me. And realize that if there is something I need to say or do in
response, that God/dess will show me. But.....it is hard to reconcile
oneself to surrender to heartache. So I guess I should try to remember that
it is a gift for me, and that on some level I asked for it, and that it is
beautiful and perfect. Even when I feel someone ripping my heart out, and
want to respond in kind, perhaps it is just best to accept the blow and not
return it.
I think my need to bitch and vent is me receiving so much overwhelming pain
from others that I just need to vomit some of it back up, and return to
sender. But....this is me rejecting the pain and hurt as not divine, and
sending it back out multiplies it and adds to it, and then it comes back to
me!!! Highly destructive. This is me telling God/dess that Her gifts to me
ugly and unwanted, so S/He sends them back to me even uglier, in alignment
with my desire.
So I am waiting, suspended in the Underworld, waiting to shed further skins
and grow new ones, sleeping in the womb of God/dess, trying to let go,
trying to surender, trying to suspend hope, fear and
expectations.....waiting to die and live again. Trying not to care what
happens to me in the future. Trying not to think too far ahead, trying not
to build castles in the air. Wow, was that paragraph full of resistance, or
what?! Time to stop trying......to cease effort and just flow. Just
flow..............
Sabrina
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