To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/04/29 01:48
Subject: [K-list] Salutations, and my history with Kundalini Shakti
From: Liam
On 2003/04/29 01:48, Liam posted thus to the K-list:
Hello, everyone,
I am glad I finally found someplace to talk about this. What I am referring to is something that began happening to me around the summer of 1998. I was in my second year at university I had elected to not move home after first year and instead stay for summer session. I had begun using drugs and drinking to excess during the previous semester but due to the fact that none of my school friends were around (they had all moved home) I had curtailed my addictions a fair bit. I began experiencing paranoid thoughts and delusions during my summer at school and at one point broke down crying in the bar where I worked as a cook. Along with the thoughts and delusions came a strange sensation in my body that I found I could control. I'm not sure exactly when I learned how to activate this sensation or how I learned to do it (that summer is just a blur to me) but I found that at the end of it all I could produce a warm sensation running throughout my entire body from my toes to my head. To this day I can still activate this feeling by clenching what must be some sort of muscle in my butt. It isn't my glutious-maximus it is somewhere near my colon, anyway whenever I clench this muscle this sensation spreads very rapidly through out my entire body. The semester ended with me withdrawing from one of my summer courses and my parents coming to my rescue. They brought me home where I stayed in the basement in a lethargic state for the rest of the summer. I returned to school in September and promptly started with the partying again and soon forgot about my weird feelings.
School went as well as it could for a practising alcoholic I withdrew from one course and managed to get through my remaining four at the very end of school I can remember telling my friends that I wasn't coming back for my third year. I couldn't walk outside without thinking everyone was staring at me I just couldn't handle living in my University town anymore. I was getting delusional again and at the end of the school year my parents came to take me home again. At home I started working at Wal-mart on night shift. This was possibly one of my worst working experiences ever. At this point I had rediscovered the sensation again and I was activating it all the time. I had many delusions about what this feeling could be and all of the had to do with a common paranoid theme about the United States coming to take over Canada and Wal-mart was the beachhead operation. It seems funny now but at the time I though Wal-mart was recording my thoughts and if I activated this sensation that I was safe. At one point I scared one of my co-workers who happened to be half-American by staring at her in a very mean and disturbing manner. She reported me to the supervisor and I left work that night ashamed and embarrassed. I didn't return until the let me go.
I was acting very weird at home and my parents notice a detached look in my eyes. They took me to a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me as schizophrenic (I have an uncle with this diagnoses and this doctor treats him as well) anyway I didn't want to except this diagnosis so I saw another doctor who put me in a big experimental MRI and his diagnosis was the same, but I still refused to take any medication. It was now the year 2000 and I got some bad news, the government wasn't going to give me as much student loan money as I had gotten the previous two years. In retrospect this was probably one of the best things to happen to me. So anyway as I had foretold so prophetically at the end of my second year I didn't return for my third. Instead I got a job working a for a telephone company doing tech support for their internet department. This place was great, they let me drink on the job and I got a lot of freedom to do what I wanted. Well I abused all these privileges and got a couple of stern warnings for showing up late. Before they could fire me however I got another job in a larger city working for one of my high school friends making WebPages.
Again my drug and alcohol use soared as I started making way more money then I ever had before. I worked hard and played harder and all this time I kept playing with this sensation trying to figure out what it was. I would turn it on at work as I programmed or at night as I played video games. Countless paranoid thoughts entered my head about it. At one point I though I was an Egyptian pharaoh reincarnated and I started wrapping myself up in my sheets like a mummy to go to sleep at night. I also started doing cartwheels in the halls at work and acting very strange. My parents who came to visit me one day noticed and asked my boss he said he had noticed my strange behaviour as well. He gave me two weeks off and my parents again came to take me home. I spent my first night up all night listening to music outside. When my father came out in the morning to tell me to turn my music down I assaulted him, when my mother came outside to question me I assaulted her. Then I walked down the street and assaulted two construction workers. The police came and took me to the hospital where I was sedated the next thing I know I am in a mental ward in the city I had just come from.
My time spent there was both good and bad, I didn't stay there long, I couldn't handle it about three weeks after my initial admittance I left against medical advice. To make an even longer story short I ended up with an assault charge on my record and living with my parents again. I mentioned this sensation to my parents but they didn't know anything about and gave me funny looks so I decided to keep it to myself. I am now diagnosed as schizo-affective with bi-polar tendencies I take my medication daily and see a psychiatrist once a month. I don't have delusions anymore, although I do have depressions still. I have joined alcoholics anonymous and have again found God (whom I had forgotten about in the head strong days of my youth) and my addictions are now under control. But throughout all this I could still call up this sensation at will.
I wanted to know more about what this was, I knew it wasn't part of my disease that it was a very real feeling. I began to notice that when I turned on this sensation I would often get a very strong sensation between my two eyebrows. I asked around some alt.magick news groups and was told this was my third eye. I didn't pursue this avenue very much but still played with this sensation on a daily basis. About a week ago I found a magick related website of magickal advisors and I asked them about this sensation. They said it was probably Kundalini Shakti and that they didn't know much about it but that if I wanted to learn more I should get a book and a teacher. So I started doing some research on the web and I found this site:
http://kundalini-support.com/
On that site I read a number of stories that had a lot of similarities to mine and I was very surprised to learn that Gastro-Intestinal problems (which I am having) can also be related to Kundalini Shakti. I found another site whose address I no longer have which had a diagram of the chakras and three paths that lead out of the base of the spine one going straight up the middle of the body and two others one going left and the other right. When I activate the sensation in my body I get the warm feeling throughout my legs and up both sides of my body and in my stomach but not in my heart chakra or throat chakra but I do get it in my brow chakra so some how the energy is skipping my heart and throat and proceeding directly to my brow. Occasionally my brow chakra will tingle without my prompting, this happens a lot at AA meetings and when it does happen I usually activate the rest of my energy and this increases the intensity in my brow. However, unlike many of the stories I have read about Kundalini awakening my occurrences do not occur spontaneously I must consciously will them to occur and I do not get any sensation in my spine just in the sides of my body. Does anybody on this list experience Kundalini Shakit like this? Am I even experiencing Kundalini Shakti? Could it be something else entirely? I am not sure yet but I do see a lot of similarities between my stories and those I found in the website I mentioned above.
From what I have read I believe it is very dangerous for me to be playing around with this energy it may be partially responsible for my disease. My mother started teaching yoga about two years ago and she has cautioned me against playing with this energy. She says that if I concentrate to much on the sensation then the sensation is actually stealing away my consciousness instead of helping me. She has suggested that I eat meat and something else like Tomeric foods or something ( I'm not spelling it right) but she said I need to eat earthy foods to ground the energy. She is also going to start to teach me Ashtanga (again spelling error) yoga to help me use this energy up but I'm not sure if it can be used up. It seems to have a constant supply and no matter what I try it is always there. I find it difficult to hold the energy in my body for more than a minute but if I let go and rest for a bit then I can bring it back again. Anyway it is finally great to find a possible explanation for all of this. Thanks to anybody who managed to read all this rambling.
Liam
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