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To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/03/16 22:14
Subject: [K-list] losing it
From: Shellelr

On 2003/03/16 22:14, Shellelr posted thus to the K-list:

Hello everyone,

I have just started meditating again after a long time. I only do it for about 15 minutes, and not far into some sessions I start to experience pressure in my sinuses and forehead that previously, for a couple of years, I have only experienced in the hypnagogic state between awake and asleep. Why is this happening, I wonder?

I am also in one of those doubting periods where I think everything originates from biology. I hate when I get this way and start believing scientific opinion. It's like I've become spiritually dead, or something. I can't feel divinity in things very much; I have to try really hard. I've been wondering if I have mild temporal lobe epilepsy and just don't know it. Maybe that pressure I've been feeling is something going awry in my frontal lobe?

A few weeks ago I went to a Sufi luncheon (invited by my dentist--a really cool Iranian woman!). There was a Sufi teacher there who talked with us (a group of about 25) for an hour and a half, then we ate this beautiful Persian meal together in mostly silent gratitude. When I was getting up to leave, the teacher called me over. She asked me my name, and said, "I saw something in you. Do not lose it. Do not let that spark go out. It is very hard, but do not let that flame burn down. Do what you must to keep it burning." I said, "It is very hard to keep it burning." And she said, "I know, but it is much worse if you lose it."

This conversation felt so ironic to me because I am struggling. The thing is I still have the mild physical energy stuff happening when it wants to, but even with this continuing experience my ego/mind is having trouble staying peaceful and feeling connected to some kind of Divine feeling.

I have also been quite depressed by my constant failings. I could be so much better than I am, to my child, to my husband. I have great intentions and I fail, daily.

Well, that's about it. I welcome helpful thoughts.

Shelle

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