To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/01/24 15:57
Subject: Re: [k-list] Thanks for all the help!!!
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2003/01/24 15:57, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
At 07:41 AM 22/01/03, Charles Portugal wrote:
>Your emails and support simply helped claer the debris creatred by my own self doubt. One has to be honest with oneself and ask the question. Where am I coming from? What is my intention in doing this work?
>
>On reading my original question did you respond or not respond because:
Hello, Charles, Kundalites:
I am catching up with a few days mail... I read your initial post while taking a break, having uploaded the updated version of the main part of the Gateway site and the old archives, and getting ready to start the new archives. They are uploading as I write this... I am catching up on the list mail while I wait. I did not dare open Eudora when I had a thousand or so pages open in Homesite, for fear of crashes.
Here are some numbers... just because that is where my brain is at... babbling geekish, lack of sleep...
The website itself is about 200 pages... hmm, probably more, the polls alone are more than 80 pages. (Applause for Hillary! and bouquets for her helping me find errors)
Archives for 1997 to 2000 is 12,597 html pages, mostly digests now converted to using SSI, which reduced them to 96.1 mb from 120mb. I calculated that changing to SSI would save me enough storage to add the new archives without having to increase my account. I was correct! I have a 200mb account, it holds 3 domains and was not quite all used, before.
BRAND SHINY NEW 2001 archives are 5944 pages. 2002 archives are 7019 pages. 39.1mb altogether.
Well, a few less, actually because I deleted some spam and unsubscribe requests, as it noticed them while I was busy deleting and A WHOLE LOT OF YAHOO SPAM!! That is what took the longest... days and days of finding and deleting spam spam spam, oy. I know, I could have saved the effort and left it in, but I got kind of stubborn (OK, really really stubborn!!) and decided that I was not interested in advertising ya-whores at all. They deleted us. Hmmph. Yahoo spam, hotmail spam, netzero spam, spam spam spam.
One of my favorite Heinlien novels was "The moon is a harsh Mistress"... about a revolution in Luna City... Science Fiction. They have an expression on the moon... TANSTAAFL ... "there ain't no such thing as a free lunch." On the moon, even air is not free. Yawhoregroups is not a free lunch... I spent the last few days contemplating this, as I deleted spam... contemplating what my time would be worth, if I were doing something more profitable... hey, I even deleted some of my own spam. Egroups and Onelist posts were spam free, comparatively. Some yawhore posts had multiple spamness, and most with a unique cookie-of-the-day number so I could not easily search and replace them.
Based on my K-list mailbox presently counting 447 posts since Jan 9, seems the new environment has made folks really chatty! :) I don't mind... but my moderator mail tells me some folks are kind of overwhelmed by the volume. Especially those who were on "web only" before. (Applause for Stephen K., who is working on a solution.)
I snipped a lot of unsnipped posts too, while I was at it... while waiting for the S&R to dig through the thousands. Amazing, really. Some folks kind of ended up on my mental shit list, (no curses sent, that I know of... ) for their lack of snippage. At the top of the list were those who forwarded an entire digest to the list along with a three line comment, or a request to unsubscribe... sigh.
So if I am a little more aggressive with snipping reminders in the next while, that is why... :)
Anyhow... that is much more than you needed to know, about why I did not respond... :) Heh.
Days or years ago, (it seems) I started writing this response (below) to your query... but it got rambly and I abandoned it to get back to the task at hand.
A task not yet completed, I still have not gotten to updating the www.list-server.net/kundalini/ mirror site. A WebMistress's work is never done. Really. Code changes, links break, links lists especially are annoying to update. (Any volunteers? :) Not sure if that server uses SSI either... hmmm....
Anyhow, here ya go...
At 06:22 AM 21/01/03, Charles Portugal wrote:
>All my life I have been driven to help others. Particularly the last few years. Where I see sadness, hurt, sickness and pain I have a deep desire to heal. But why?
Because you are compassionate. Others in need provide us the choice to love or fear, just as others who are hostile or aggressive. Discernment, is knowing what form the love needs to take. Sometimes that means letting someone sink or swim on their own. A child who is always carried, never learns to walk. Learning to walk means falling down repeatedly till you learn balance. Hard to stand by and watch them topple.
>Since I started doing bodywork and empathic healing I have for the first time felt like my life has purpose and meaning. Yet in moments of self doubt I feel like an imposter on a glory trip even though in my work I see profound results. My confusion is holding me back. Its like a switch flicks. When Im clear and connected to source I have no need to question and then there is the flip side.
This breaker switch is important, it keeps you humble. It is part of your discernment mechanism. If you are not clear, then you are not meant to act. If you are not clear, then turn inward and heal yourself till you get clear again.
The best healing comes from a place of humility and surrender. For myself, as a healer, I keep balanced by keeping my selfish motives front and center. It helps me to be discerning about whether the call for action comes from ego or Goddess.
I get a lot of calls for help, to my websites. I have learned to be discerning about who is genuine, who is an attention seeking professional victim vampire, who I can help and who I need to refer elsewhere. It is similar with the requests for charity healing I get. With some people, it is OK to help them for free, they will go on to help others in their turn. Other folks, it does not serve to give to them, it only validates their scarcity consciousness... and the scarcity is such, that no matter what they are given, it is never enough. Getting past scarcity consciousness is not something that can be taught, it comes of leaps of faith being validated till the scar-city is worn away. Same with self love, or self esteem. It cannot be given, it must be grown from within.
I feel the same about government charity, such as the Canadian Welfare system. In years past, in my days as starving artist, it took my adopted Grandmother twisting my arm to get me to apply for it... and she was right, it helped when I needed it. I also see how long term charity erodes the self confidence and self esteem of those who use it. They gradually lose faith in their ability to be self supporting. Dependent, addicted.
In the chat with Richard (waving at Rich... talkin bout cha again! I'll get to responding to your post... ) that lead to his "how to get out of Hell" post, one thing that came clear is how he was not recognising that a yucky feeling in his heart when he was about to "help" someone, was Goddess saying "don't go there." Not listening was step one, down the road to hell of good intentions. He thought it was empathy with the person he was poised to help. Their blockage or pain.
..........................continuing.....
I know, I learned the same lesson the hard way. Goddess provides the energy and clarity to do the work even if I am tired or drained, and I took that to mean Her blessing... and the work would be brilliant, validating my presumption of blessings.
I do not notice pain or fatigue when I am out of body, as the Witness... but the burnout factor was immense. I'd catch a needy email when I was ready for bed, end up caught in it, writing all night and come morning, return to a body that was thrashed, exhausted, stuck full of stuff taken on.
TANSTAAFL. Good intentions carried hidden costs. Took me years to realize that... just because Goddess provides, does not mean the work is required... or even wise to do. Goddess has no boundaries, and when I am being Goddess, as Witness I have none either... so there are none to observe or defend... but, the body has limits on what it can endure. I'd come back to find its limits trampled... by me.
My empathy + ADD, I get drawn out of myself and into other folks stuff so easily, without noticing. Just reading an email, I get so much information... Took practice to get another level of discernment, to consult with my body as well as my spirit, about whether to act... and when. To respect my own boundaries by consulting the body, before hitting the reply button.
Pushing my boundaries pretty good, tonight... but this is relaxation, not "work". I'm staying embodied, kind of enjoying the fatigue.
Whew! I had not guessed that the Kundalini-gateway website update would take two weeks full time + overtime! Extra hugs to the wonderful, thoughtful, kind generous person who prefers to remain un-named, who sent me a very nice donation so I could take the time off work to do it and still pay rent. Thank you! :)
My FTP now says transfer complete, and that was my deadline-agreement with my body for how long I would spend writing email. New archives are uploaded, except for the indexes and I can sleep happy knowing the task is done.
Blessings...
.................................................
http://www.fire-serpent.org/healing/
www.kundalini-gateway.org
www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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