To: K-list
Recieved: 2003/01/20 00:16
Subject: Re: [k-list] In the dark
From: Shellelr
On 2003/01/20 00:16, Shellelr posted thus to the K-list:
In a message dated 1/19/2003 12:45:36 PM Eastern Standard Time, LBra782595 writes:
>Hey, maybe the energy is giving you a little break. Use it to rest up, you'll probably need it. :^) If you rest now, you'll be ready for the next round. Chop wood, carry water. Take time to integrate what you have learned.
>
Hi Jason. So glad we made it to this new list together. :0)
Yes, I am definitely chopping and carrying.
I've gone through periods of semi-madness where I prayed for peace, and many times I've asked to not be given more than I can handle, so I can function normally for my family. You'd think I'd be happy to be left alone, but I'm not.
Something that has really been bothering me is that I couldn't hook into my creativity during these intensely spiritual years. Before, I had forty-five chapters of a novel outlined and a lot of research done, and was writing diligently, and it just fell by the wayside. I was too physically ill and fractured, and writing the novel was just no longer the reason for my existence. Now I'd like to return to it and keep working on it anyway, for the joy of creating, and to finish what I started, and because it's a worthwhile story, very much about spiritual growth. But I feel like I'm just not even the same person anymore, and it's hard to find my way back in.
A few months ago I had a dream in which I went into this funky place called the Karma Bar and found George Harrison and a shaman waiting to have a drink with me. While I sat with them, they urged me to get back to my writing and creativity. I promised I would. I woke up and decided to take them seriously, and found pictures of George and an Indian medicine person on the web that I put up by my workspace. I sat down and wrote a chapter over the course of a week and it was like reinventing the wheel. I really struggled and did not write well. So I fell away from it again.
It's like I'm waiting for something to return and I don't know if it will, ever. But I feel a bit closer to being able to be creative again, strangely enough, now, when I'm not feeling very connected to or believing in God/dess. Go figure. I'd like to have both things, simultaneously. I'd like to feel like it's okay to write a novel, and want to write it, and even feel attached to how it turns out, and whether I can get it published. But what will it mean, spiritually, if I get into all that attachment again? Will I lose contact with "God" completely? Will I become miserable?
I think I'm also burnt out and tired of trying after several years of highly encouraging but ultimately disappointing experiences with my screenplays. I mean producer options on them, screenplay contest finalist a few times, etc., but never a film made. I feel that I benefitted from writing them in ways that transcend whether they ever became movies or not, but also I feel that I spent several years casting my pearls before swine (if you'll allow me a Blanche DuBois moment), in trying so hard for so long.
So I fear attachment to creativity because a)it hurts and b)I fear it will make me stop living in the moment and feeling a part of all that is, and forget what is really real.
I think it might be that I might look at writing a novel or screenplays as part of my path, as the wood I must chop and the water I must carry. But will getting all caught up in it again damage my journey towards enlightenment? Give me a few thousand extra lives to have to live to undo the foolishness and damage?
Rambling. Thanks for listening.
Shelle
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