To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/12/07 16:21
Subject: [K-list] Hi, I'm not sure what happened...
From: Grim Stranger
On 2002/12/07 16:21, Grim Stranger posted thus to the K-list:
Hi. This is One Man Alone. I'm glad to see I have a friend(Jason G among others). Well the latest news for me is, I'm not sure what, but something really screwed up happened to me recently. My mother, who's a genius and has an IQ of way above 160-170(average intelligence is 90-110, superior intelligence is 110 to 125, 125 to 140 is very superior intelligence, and 140 and above is genius, FYI) told me that my IQ(135) is good but I can do better. I took an Internet IQ test(actually a few of them) recently and my average score was 135. I got upset and left the room. I went to my room and thought for a second. A million things crossed my mind(including my search for Kundalini), and I got mad and remembered that I could make my back heat up the most when I was angry and was hoping that something would happen, like maybe this cut on my finger would heal, or maybe my headache would go away(it got worse), and I had several more unfair expectations of what I wanted to happen(which also went against everyone's advice to work WITH it, sorry), and suddenly my head started pounding and I was filled with intense rage. I've been mad several times in my life, actually at least 5 times a day, and I've even been mad enough to where I thought I had lost it and gone insane, and that was nothing compared to what I felt now. I'm glad no one knocked on my door or I would have ripped it off it's hinges. Then suddenly I (this is out of character for me, cause I'm usually suppose to be the mean, cool, tough guy) started(gulp) crying like I've never cried before(I almost haven't). I was panting, short of breath, my back was on fire, I was clutching my fists so hard my hands were hurting(later when I was able to open my hands, my fingers were stiff and locked up for a while), tears were pouring out of my eyes, but at the same time I felt the rage from just a minute ago, I started feeling guilty for getting mad, and sinning (I'm a Christian), and I felt weak for crying and the more I tried to stop the more it felt like I was being punished for crying and I would cry even more. I can hardly remember what it felt like, it was too much to hold on to. After and hour/hour and a half, it finally settled down and I was able to catch my breath and clam down. I think all of this might have happened due to when I first felt the intense rage, I didn't let go of it, instead I let it get the better of me. I feel that if I HAD been able to hold the anger back, that something good might have happened concerning awakening or at least getting a step closer to figuring this out. I'm still trying to find the mind-set to work with it. So, any thoughts on what happened to me? Explanations, comments, more advice? All is welcome. Thanks.
Sign - One Man Alone
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