To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/12/03 06:10
Subject: RE: [K-list] navigating duality and mutuality / My own Heart Saga...
From: Rich
On 2002/12/03 06:10, Rich posted thus to the K-list:
Dear Laura,
I wish to start by saying what an intelligent post this is. You show
insight and clarity in your situation and have considered the obvious
outcomes as well as surrendering different aspects of your situation yet
can't seem to find the right direction to move forward in or get past
the stuck-ness in your situation.
I haven't read the other replies to your post yet but will do. I felt
compelled to respond as your situation resembles aspects of my own
situation right now with a certain 'sweet-heart'. I have had many
chellenges in my current relationship and even though having surrendered
it all, goddess brought her back. It's pushed my boundaries out in terms
of surrender and has weighed down on my for sometime.
At one level I realise it is a cross-point of choosing divinity or
wallowing in an earthly relationship. I've learnt a lot in the process
but it's brought me down to ball and chain levels. In fact, as I refer
to something in a book, when the energy is so high and not used
correctly it can cause a lot of destruction and negative karma.
The dis-harmony in the situation for me has bent me out of shape and
I've lost the relativeness of boundaries between us. It's concened me in
some ways as she has shown insight and awareness which surpassed what I
recognised in her before. I've also noticed her chakra points on her
palms and soles of the feet have opened to a degree. Previously she
always had cold hands. At the same time my own points in these places
have gone colder and I feel more closed in my intuitiveness. These
points relate to sharing in the world. Too open and we share too much,
too closed and we are holding back from sharing.
The synchronicity still continues, and even when I might mention
something about her to a friend or give her up again she is calling me
in that time to get back. She has got good at pulling me into her world
as much as I try to stay detached. It's a challenge... I do see there
being an end to this. Something will give.. She will get past her
control guises eventually and get in her own centre and live from her
heart or the distance between us will become so great there will be
nothing there to sustain a relationship and it will just peter out.
The challenge is a good one. I had a very wild experience of surrender
the other night. When surrendering something fully, then even the memory
of what that thing was can go. Like it's hard to recall what was just
surrendered... It doesn't always go like this but blimey when it does,
there's such a freshness it's remarkable to me.
Okay, I'll stop ranting..
The other possibility is to sack the whole thing off, and get right back
in myself and resist all temptations... Even if goddess brings it
back... But this wouldn't be right either.
The final lesson is unclear...I know ego has taken precedent at times
and this was a mistake but there is more behind this than I understand
right now. It will become clear in time, that's all I know...
Ohhh. I could go on...
Thanks for the post Laura and hope you get the wisdom you are looking
for!
Rich
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Laura [mailto:dafmobileATnospamhotmail.com]
> Sent: Monday, December 02, 2002 6:01 AM
> To: K-list
> Subject: [K-list] navigating duality and mutuality
>
>
>
> Hi everyone!
>
> I had this impulse to share with the list a tangled
> friendship surrendur
> problem that no matter what i do (or don't do), i can't seem
> to find a good
> direction or resolve. I am not sure what i am being asked to do here,
> perhaps there is no one asking, only what is, but that leaves
> me even more
> at a loss, since i can't imagine this never shifting in some way to
> something more manageable for me...though i have tried
> surrenduring to that
> possibility too.
>
> Anyways, i have surrendured it (and to it) every day for
> several years now,
> and i am still in the same place with it, so i thought maybe
> i should get
> some intersubjective perspectives.
>
> i am beyond attracted to my best friend (yes, it is one of those sob
> stories), for five years now, i love her alot, we have weathered alot
> together, i have never had a friend like her before, but she
> is dating
> someone else and i wouldn't say that she is in the same
> head/body/life space
> as me even though i know she loves and admires me very much
>
> the problem is that each time we draw closer as friends,
> which we both
> crave, and things start feeling really awesome, i am so
> overwhelmed with
> love and attraction that i get my hopes up or interpret it
> differently than
> she does and of course am repetitively disappointed and hurt
> since she is
> not exactly going to the same place in herself, and then i
> feel like i have
> to stop being friends with her because it is too much for me
> to be intimate
> with her at the level that we actually are intimate and hold back my
> impulses to express it physically or desire to be her girlfriend
>
> but i can't stop being friends with her. i have tried that
> route, it feels
> like a crime against the dao, we both feel awful about it, it
> doesn't get
> better in time, the friendship is so much of a gift that it
> would be the
> greatest tragedy if i couldn't just amend my responses or be
> able to at
> least sit in them without any hope of them being reciprocated
> in order to be
> able to functionally handle what it stirs up in me.
>
> i am pretty adept at alot of emotional holding and honesty,
> but i have to
> say, i am human, this situation has got me beat
>
> this is made more complicated by the fact that she doesn't
> tell me no, that
> it is never going to happen, that she absolutely doesn't feel
> that way about
> me, she has consented that it is ok that i have erotic
> thoughts about her,
> it just doesn't mean she wants to go there right now, and
> perhaps it is not
> her first impulse toward me.
>
> this makes me want to eradicate my attraction to her, first
> out of respect
> for where she's at, second because i don't want to go around
> hoping it will
> ever happen cause that is bad for my now, third because i
> don't want to
> pressure her into something she doesn't want out of fear she
> will lose me as
> a friend because i can't navigate my attraction, forth
> because i am trying
> to match what is happening in so-called reality instead of
> living a fantasy,
> fifth because it is really uncomfortable to be like this,
> blah blah blah
>
> eradicating it hasn't worked. even just numbing it down
> hasn't worked. is
> this my failure?
>
> i guess i am wondering what i am not surrenduring to here,
> and why, if i
> have surrendured it thousands of times, it does not shift to
> something more
> peaceful or humane for me internally or externally, in fact
> our friendship
> gets more loving which drives me even crazier, and then i am
> perpetually on
> the edge of relational chaos since i alternate between
> running away and
> staying, and neither way i go feels functional for me or the
> friendship
>
> does anyone have any wisdom?
>
> i feel totally inept at this point
>
> kindly,
> laura
>
> _____________
>
>
>
>
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
DISCLAIMER!
Home | Archive Index | Search the archives | Subscribe
K. List FAQ | Kundalini FAQs | Signs and Symptoms | Awakening Experiences | K. list Polls | Member Essays | Meditations | List Topics | Art Gallery | Cybrary | Sitemap | Email the moderators.
symbol.