To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/11/09 14:05
Subject: [K-list] Questions and Ideas: Things that make ya go Hmm...
From: HSV & AAL
On 2002/11/09 14:05, HSV & AAL posted thus to the K-list:
I'm beginning to wonder about something.
A few months ago when Mom mentioned that I should sign up for
this list, she asked because she wondered if all my physical
ailments were caused by my Kundalini slowly awakening through
my lifetime. I completely believed in her awakening, but not
in my own. I still have an ego the size of Africa. I don't
seem to have a lot of the "benefits" that others seem to have,
like seeing rainbows of light, feeling things in their chakras,
etc. Sure, I have all sorts of physical and mental issues,
but not very much in the way of insight and enlightenment.
Well, that's not completely true. I have been, and can be, a
very enlightened person. When I'm not mired down in these
major depressive episodes, and OCD and anxiety, etc... I'm a
force to behold! I feel as Goddess. I feel power and beauty
and sexuality and clarity and energy-filled. I can almost
touch it and feel it just speaking of it. Inspired is
another word that comes to mind. Those states can last me
generally a year or two.
Then I go back into this state of quagmire and despair. I
seem to be realizing it more and more, but I think I've had
these depressive states since childhood. I keep finding
things over the years that I didn't realize before. My mom
is the first person to ever mention Depression to me. That
was back before I started college. I wasn't taking care of
myself, or my young son, allowing others to take care of him
because I lacked the energy to even move. I didn't realize
it was depression.
Just last year or so, a commercial came on the TV about Anxiety.
I mentioned it to my doctor, fearing she would think I was a
hypochondriac. That fear came from 13 years of explaining the
multitude of health problems to doctors and having them tell me
they couldn't find anything wrong. There were only a few things
I recognized as being anxiety, but over these past few months,
after my doctor or others point them out, I'm finding other
things that can be attributed to that as well. Shocking to me
is that I can trace some of them back to childhood! I just
lived these things because they were me, I thought.
More and more, I'm starting to realize that my life has a real
purpose and path. I experience and learn, experience and learn,
over and over. The older I get, the more I realize and begin
to recognize. It seems more apparent that I'm being led to the
places I'm meant to go. I've met all these knowledgeable, kind,
extraordinary people on this list, because I was meant to. I
feel as though I'm just beginning to open my eyes and look. But
at the same time, I've been opening my eyes for a long time.
What does all this mean? Am I already awakened? Am I in the
process of being awakened?
Procrastination has always been one of my traits. I've done it
since I was a child. My mother used to say that I lived in a
world without clocks... my own little world. I'm wondering now
if perhaps I've been procrastinating purposely, subconsciously,
so that I do certain things when I'm meant to do them... meet
people when I'm supposed to... experience things at the right
time in my life. Exactly how much is really connected and how
much is random?
I've always been very impressionable. I can be easily influenced
by those I meet and the experiences I have. If I spend enough
time with someone, I begin to take on certain aspects of him/her.
During my college years, when I experienced that beautiful
friendship with Linda, over the year and a half we knew each
other, our speech patterns and laughs became almost identical.
Many, including my family, have taken these things to mean that
I'm easily influenced... brainwashed even, my father's family
might say. I don't think this is the case, is it? Linda even
talked about helping people through hypnosis once, but said
she would never dare use it on me -because- of the fact that
I can be influenced so easily. Is this a bad thing? Or is
it that I'm more connected to -All- than I realized?
I mentioned procrastination because I kept putting off doing
the grounding visualization... and also reading the links on
on Mystress' site. I still haven't read them all, but I began
reading them tonight (this morning). I have read Kundalini,
The K process, Ego, Enlightenment, The Genie, Sacred Serpent
(which kept putting me to sleep *boggle*), The Heart Voice, and
now Prana & Shakti.
Some very interesting things stood out to me.
The site described Prana energy as appearing like tiny comets
in your vision that appear then disappear. I see those, but
generally only when I get up too fast, or hit myself, or over
exert myself. I assumed those were the 'stars' in "You'll be
seeing stars". Was I wrong? They mostly seem to appear just
around my direct view, but not directly in front of it. But
I may have seen a few in direct view that I don't recall.
Also, the page talked about creativity. I've had music in my
soul since I can remember. I used to use music for everything.
I always had a radio, or an instrument, or either I was just
singing. I used to find ways to make music more alive. I was
always in chorus, and I would memorize all 3 musical parts and
then make recordings of 2 of them, then sing the third along
with the tape. When I was sad or upset, I would play music to
speak the words I didn't know, or to help me cry. When I was
happy, I would listen to music to move through my body. I'm
very distressed recently about my loss of interest in almost
EVERYTHING. Well, everything really, except checking email...
and even that seems like a chore. Music has actually become
annoying most of the time. I don't ever recall this mutation
of depression. I've always turned to music, even for comfort
during my darkest days. For the majority of my life, I've
slept with music on in the background, now I don't want it.
I can remember a time not long ago, and all the way up until
that point, that I think I would give up almost ANYTHING for
music... if that were my options. I think that may be the case
even now, even though music seems to have left me for a while.
I know it will return. Still, its absense is very upsetting
to me.
Anyway, I also get an urge once in a while to paint or color
or do some sort of craft. It seems like just an instinctual
thing that stands up and says "Okay, I'm ready now. Let's go
do something creative!". I've never known why it happens, but
I almost always surrender to that call in any case.
Another thing that seems strange, but nice, is this connection
with some sort of wisdom or intuition. I just merely accept
it and do its bidding without questioning it when it guides.
But I'm wondering now if that may be my inner guide or DB.
Even before I ever heard of Kundalini, I'd heard about medi-
tating or building a 'shield' around me or giving up my bad
thoughts and feelings, etc. So once in a while, I would
decide to perform some type of ceremony or ritual, based on
the tiny amount of information I had from others. For example,
when I decided to perform a ceremony to rid myself of the need
for companion love (always feeling I needed someone else to
love me), and then to shield myself afterwards... the only
information I had from others was that I could shield myself
from outside emotions and other negative things. Linda said
that she imagines a bright light above her head and then sees
it flow down around her like a bubble and she envisions that
it will keep in the happy things, but allow the negative things
to leave.. and from the outside, only happy things can come in,
but negative things bounce off.
So, I began setting up for this ritual one day when my son was
at school. I cleaned my living room, vaccuuming the carpet
and dusting. Then I bathed myself using aromatic oils and
soaps. Then I found a tiny "altar", a small filing box that I
had and placed it in the middle of the living room. I put a
candle on top of it, and some incense. I then searched my
Enya music for the perfect song, a rather haunting song, and
played it. I then sat naked, cross-legged, before the altar
and began "feeding" all my negativity into the flame of the
candle. When I was done, I envisioned my own type of shield
and brought it down around myself. All of that preparation
was just something that came to me. I don't know if it was
right or wrong, but I felt then and now that it was. Where
did this knowledge come from? Is it truly from my guide, even
though I haven't seen or looked or addressed him as an entity?
I use that guidance all the time, but it feels like it's my
own, not coming from another spiritual source within that has
a name and tells me of ancient cultures.. like some of the
K-list people describe. I need no time to stop and think.
The knowledge is just natural and flows through me as soon as
I need it. I'm a pretty spontaneous person, so I have a
tendency to just get up and start something as soon as I think
of it.
Well, that's about all I have for now, I think. I just wanted
some guidance and hoped you folks might be able to help me.
In empathy,
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