To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/11/01 23:40
Subject: [K-list] Caring about others
From: HSV & AAL
On 2002/11/01 23:40, HSV & AAL posted thus to the K-list:
Date: Fri, 1 Nov 2002 10:16:09 +0700
From: "Rich" <rich4444ATnospamhotmail.com>
Subject: RE: About Mystress' Reply to me
>> See, I don't give a flying fart what others
>> think of my hair or make-up or clothes or beliefs or speech.
> Really! Wow.. That must be a great place to be!
** Tis true, though. I sense sarcasm in your reply, but
perhaps I am reflecting again. In any case, I learned this
ability back in Middle School. I had spent all my school
years, from kindergarten, being told I was different. Kids
picked on me and beat me up, no matter which school I went
to. By the time I was in Middle School, I was bitter and
had given up on trying to get friends. I decided that if
everyone was going to see me as different, I was going to
BE different. I taught myself how to stop caring what
others thought of the way I dressed, fixed my hair or
make-up, the things I liked and believed in. I even went
so far as to actually get rid of my southern accent. I
did it, too (until later, in high school, i started dating,
then married, a redneck. i got the accent back then and
never tried to get rid of it again.).
** Whenever there was a fad, I hated the focus of that fad.
I hated designer jeans (Jordache) when they were "in". I
hated Members Only jackets when they were "in". I hated
Michael Jackson and Prince when they were "in". But then
generally, I'd start liking something after the fade
ended up phasing itself "out". I guess it was probably
best for me and my Mom that way, too, cuz we really
didn't have the money to be buying expensive "in style"
things anyway.
** In any case, being always seen as different and weird
as a kid, not getting any friends, being picked on and
beaten up on a regular basis... it was a necessity to
find some way to cope with all that. It was important
to my self-worth, too, though I didn't realize that part
of it at the time. Anyway, I've kept those principles
with me to this day, though I've modified them a bit.
Now, I don't hate everything that's in, and I don't love
everything that's "out". I like whatever I like no
matter what anyone else likes. I've been happy with
that aspect of me for a long time. Why do you think I
have been able to open up so freely and completely with
all my dirty laundry and fallacious thinking to this
list? =) I may be lost, on a path of ignorance and
denial, but I'm not ashamed of my life or my beliefs.
There are things I want to change, obviously, otherwise
I wouldn't be here. But I'm not ashamed of admitting
those things openly. I hope to become a better person
because of it.
>> However, I -DO- care about people laughing at me or my
>> actions, or shaking their head at me or my actions, because
>> of something stupid I did. Like when I shoot my mouth off
>> before thinking things through carefully enough and then am
>> pointed out as being wrong.
> Oh wait a sec... So you do care about what others think about what comes
> out of your mouth.
** No, I think you misread. I care about being wrong, and
being very emphatically wrong. It's not so bad if you say
or do something stupid in a quiet humble way and then find
out you're wrong. It's much more embarassing when you, for
instance, get into an argument over whether there are pears
in the host's fruit salad... and then get pissed off when
the other guest, your opponent, continues to tell you that
you're wrong, there aren't any pears in it. So you stand up
and start screaming really loudly and cursing and making
hand gestures, etc. Then the host comes in to find out
what's going on, and when you both ask, she says "No, I'm
allergic to pears. There are no pears in my fruit salads,
ever.". Well, now you feel like a complete idiot who's
about 2 inches high and all you wanna do is crawl under
something and hide. This is a non-sensical and unimportant
topic, obviously, and was completely hypothetical just to
give an example.
** The point is, I wouldn't be embarassed about saying "I
think there are pears in the salad.". That's merely a
statement of opinion. I would be somewhat embarassed if
I were to say "There are definitely pears in this salad."
and found out I was wrong. But the act of blowing things
out of proportion or getting very emphatic about it, THEN
finding out I was wrong... capped off by the worry that
people must be laughing at me or shaking their heads at
me because I made an ass of myself... THAT is my fear and
source of utter embarassment. I'm hoping that as I grow
and mature spiritually and mentally, I'll be able to shed
that silly worry/fear.... along with the need to be
emphatic about things I strongly believe in. (by the way,
it's this fear of making an ass out of myself and fear of
being laughed at that's the underlying reason for me
forcing myself to do and say everything publicly on this
list. if i hide any part of it, then i serve the fear
and deception inside, and i can't grow that way. that
fear is also the reason why my posts are so long... cuz
i feel the need to explain everything so, i hope, i can't
be misunderstood or misleading.)
>> Also, I have a VERY VERY hard
>> time saying I'm sorry... especially after being so emphatic
>> about something, then finding out I was wrong.
> What is the benefit in being emphatic?
** There is no benefit. I know this logically. It still
doesn't stop me from being emphatic sometimes. But I'll
learn. It may take me a while to catch on, but once I do,
I'm generally a fast learner. In this case, though, I
don't know if there is such a thing as being able to go at
your own pace. From what I've read, K and your DB take you
along at the appropriate pace, regardless of what you want.
> Wow... What a change I notice from you though.... The light-house is
> shining again :)
** Thank you kindly. I'm still unsure of the footing. I
feel like I'm lost in the woods and am trying to find the
path. I got some good leads from Mystress and several
others... so I'm hopefully heading in the right direction.
** I'm having a very rough time tonight, though, with my IBS
so I have to cut this off. My tummy is almost constantly
burning and I can't seem to stay away from the bathroom.
Been dealing with this for the last 5 or 6 hours. Hopefully
it'll calm down soon. Anyway, I dunno what else I need to
say. I'm sure I could -find- things to say, though. *grin*
But I shall spare everyone this time. =)
*slurp*
Holly2
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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