To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/10/29 18:03
Subject: Re: [K-list]: Dear Me
From: Lady Joyce
On 2002/10/29 18:03, Lady Joyce posted thus to the K-list:
Dear Me...
You wrote... Well, 'ho, ha!' to you, too. You're right , though, on this.
I really don't know HOW to fawn. I couldn't do it if I wanted to. You
call it arrogance. I call it just the way God made me. It's not something
I ever decided on, myself. Rather, it's something I've discovered. But,
anyway, enough about this...No, not nearly enough of this...it Is something you decide on your self. It
Is something we all decide on our selves. It Is Free Will. I excercised my
Free Will in arrogance for much of my adult life. I had abandoned my
Catholic faith and had found nothing to replace it. I was not looking for
anything to replace it. I was brought to me knees around the age 39. Being
a professional, I was one of the many women who defer pregnancy.
> So .. just because life knocks you down sometimes doesn't mean that
'down' is your proper place. Living on your knees is not humility. It's
fear. Big difference!!!
I don't think that down is my proper place in life. And I did not live on my
knees. I was embarassed at the thought of going on my knees to any One.
Pride prevailed. That is the reason why I went down to my knees when I was
Reminded that I did not have the control over my destiny that I thought I
had. That is when I realized that I could not defy Providence, for my power
was nothing in relation to the All...Call It what you will. I shed my
arrogance in my grief.
After my second pregnancy loss, I fell to my knees begging for mercy. I
suddenly decided to go to God...where else could I go? At this point, I had
been headed off at the pass by two ectopic pregnancies. So I begged for
mercy as I proceeded to IVF, intent that I would get what I wanted, never
thinking I would fail. I could not fail. To me, that would be to fail as a
woman. So I endured ridiculous treatments in my efforts to get what I
wanted, the way that I wanted it.
A child. Out of my body. That is the way it is supposed to be. That is
what I was taught. That is what I believed in my heart. When this simple
gift was denied me, I raged. I defied. Through IVF, I got pregnant two
times. Both babies were lost, one in my fourth month. My last was only 8
weeks into the pregnancy...the test results showed some defect called
Trisomy 13. At this point, I was 41.
Once my grief and my rage subsided, I accepted. I was on my knees again,
this time in humility. I surrendered to that which Was. Within months of my
surrender, I had my first child, Jason, in my arms. He had been cooking in
the oven, waiting for us! Jason means " to heal or healer." H e healed my
broken heart. We adopted our second child three years later, Jesse. Jesse
means riches. That is because he enriched our family. He is also Jason's
full biological brother.
Only God's hand could have written this story. I am just telling it back.
You decide for yourself what emotions put me on my knees.> Well, that's good. I would hate to think that I'm responsible for your
happiness.
I was ranting and raving at that point!!! K-rage. (blush!)> But, you might be surprised >to know that I do like you. What's not to
like? You've got a fine sense of >humor. You're honest (and you're
>particularly honest, emotionally). So I don't have any problem with you
at >all. Never did. Your creative writing >shows promise. I find it
particularly interesting that you have chosen as >your muse your own self
as a little girl before the conditioning set in. Good choice.Well, thank you, Me. I am glad you came back to us. I was feeling badly
because I feel much pain from you. And I pursued you around the list
without mercy in my rage. I have discharged my pain. With that, my anger
flew away.
May you discharge the pain that binds you to your anger...
May the LIght that Heals shine upon your soul...
May the Fire of Love find It's way into your heart...
> > Love and Light,
> >
> > Joyce>
> M e
Love and Light to you too, Me.
Namaste
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