To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/10/24 10:44
Subject: RE: [K-list] feeling awful (and bitter/depressed/scared/horrified/exhausted/angry/incredulous/hopeless/ etc)
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2002/10/24 10:44, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
My first effort to respond to this was kind of cranky... PMS plus
empathy with your emotional state. Better, now. :)At 11:23 PM 18/10/02, HSV & AAL wrote:
> > Is anyone else in a horrible funk? I'm wondering if there's some worldwide
>vibe going on or it's just me. Depression, anxiety, body aches; I'm just
>feeling awful. Tired of life, and in it for the long haul. I hate feeling
>like this.
Tis the season... :) Happy Hallow'een.
>** My pain and sleep problems from fibromyalgia have gone back to, not
>square 1, but maybe square 2 or 3. My lower back hurts with every step
>and my left hip is out of place.
Have you considered seeing a chiropractor?
>** My uncle, Mom's brother, passed away last weekend.
Please pass on my condolences.
>** I'm having trouble with allergies, a cold, -and- my moon-dark cycle all
>at once. Yay for me.
Yaaaay! :)
>** I'm once again digging large craters into my forehead that bleed quite
>well.. and then leave giant black scabs on my face for all to see.
I'm digging them into my scalp. Rather masochistic of me! :) This too,
shall pass.
> I'm also clipping most of my skin off from around my fingernails, which
> takes me hours to do (sometimes 3 or 4 hours) and leaves me in aching,
> throbbing, burning pain for days. Oh, these behaviors are due to my
> Anxiety disorder, OCD, and Depression.
Ya know, you really need to find some better way of spending your time.
Sorry if that sounds patronizing... but you are the only one who has the
power to choose what to focus on.
>** About 2 and a half months ago, I had 2 cats... one was 4 years old, the
>other 2 years old. Then I saw a stray outside, very emaciated, very
>young, and very pregnant. I couldn't leave her and the litter to die, so
>I brought her in and cared for her. She had 4 kittens, which all lived,
>and she was an excellent mother. Actually too good .. very anxious and
>over-protective of them.
She is a reflection of you. Why is it easier to care for kitties, than
to care for yourself?
> The vet said treatment is very long and very expensive... especially
>for 7 cats. We can't afford expensive.
Nizoral dandruff shampoo, for you and the kitties. Use as directed.
>** See, I read the digest of yesterday's posting firestorm. Very
>interesting, and served to divert my mind for a few minutes. I actually
>smiled while reading the Choo-Choo one.
>Great job on that. But some of the messages just pissed me off. I was
>going to reply last night, but I guess it's best that I didn't have the
>energy to do so. Most of what everyone says is just completely foreign to
>me, but I try to understand in my own way.
>But at this moment, all of the "there is no <this, that, and the other
>thing>" statements seem so trivial.
Yeah, they are. Thanks for saying so, so eloquently.
It is true, on the highest level of "reality", there is no kundalini,
also no Earth, no you, no me and no Aaron spewing pompous gobbeldygook.
Heh. However, I am quite certain that most all of the people gushing on
about this topic have never actually experienced that reality.
Coming onto a list of people in Kundalini emergency and saying there is
no Kundalini, is about as compassionate as going into a soup kitchen and
telling the homeless that their hunger is illusion, their lives are
perfection and their misery is self created. It may be true, but it is not
kind, compassionate or productive. Not respectful of their experience.
> I'm certain that they're not, especially for most of you who are living
> with K issues every day. For me, nothing seems important anymore except
> emotional attachments. Joining and sharing, not only your words and
> experiences, but your feelings and even part of your very essence or
> soul, is the most intimate and precious of life's gifts. Burying your
> roots into the hearts of those whom you love and cherish and trust the
> most, and receiving support and love and sustenance from them.. seems to
> be the only important thing in life.
Yes. We are here, to experience loving. To hug and hold and care for
each other. It does not matter, if the "other" may be illusion. The love is
real. It may be the only thing that is real.
Yet, there can be love without attachments. That is when love becomes
unconditional. Not dependent on attachment, relationship.
>** From what I've read and been told here on this list, or at least my
>interpretation of it, I imagine that you'll see my logic as flawed and
>pitiful, and the very thing I find important seen as nothing more than
>chains of a prison.
I find your comments to be refreshingly genuine, and well grounded.
Thank you.
>Well, I guess I'm happy being plugged into the Matrix, because I don't
>want to have to live a life where only -I- matter and my love for and from
>my son and Beloved, my mother, my kitties, the moon, sky and the trees is
>seen as trivial bondage. Why are we here on this planet with so many
>other people if the whole point is for us to isolate ourselves and realize
>that nobody else matters, our relationships are trivial, and our love is a
>dungeon? We have mothers on this list. If these things are true, then
>why bother with raising the kids and being married or partnered? It
>doesn't matter.. let them take care of themselves, right? That just
>doesn't seem right.
Heh. It isn't right. If you really do experience the level of
nonduality where all is nothing, you come back knowing there is no reason
not to love, not to care. No point to giving energy to fear, no holding
back. If you look to the behavior of truly enlightened beings throughout
history... Jesus wept. Love and compassion is in all that they do. We do
not seek enlightenment to leave the world, but to serve it better.
Selflessly. Fearlessly. Beautifully.>** I'm getting cynical and malicious, and that wasn't my point. I'm
>sorry. I just hurt so much and I don't know how to handle it. And trying
>to stop my tears is like trying to stop the rain with a sieve.
Embrace your tears. They are karma falling from your eyes. Releasing.
> I'm living in this moment right now, and all the advice from friends and
> loved ones to "... not worry about it until the test comes back." is
> futile because I don't know how to stop and probably don't want to.
Well, you don't want to. That is very revealing. What is it about
worry that is so yummy for you? What do you get out of it?
How to stop: Imagine the worse case scenario, then make it bigger and
bigger, worse and worse till it becomes so absurd it makes you laugh.
Laughter heals.
Blessings...
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