To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/10/23 18:01
Subject: [K-list] The Chaos of Kundalini
From: Lady Joyce
On 2002/10/23 18:01, Lady Joyce posted thus to the K-list:
Dear Sisters and Brothers of the Fire:
I just joined this group last night. I went looking for a group like this. I
knew what to look for, but only after a long and arduous internet
cybersearch to try to figure out what happened to me. Kundalini has happened
to me !!! I have only read a few posts and will try to go back to get a
better feel for the group. In the meantime, permit me to just jump into the
fire.
Please don't flame me for this because I say it with love, not as a
criticism...the light that shines upon you and within you is not artificial
light To me, it is the light of the fire, the fire of the love of Kundalini,
of the Holy Spirit. Where she presides, she who some of you refer to as the
K-B*tch, is the Holiest of Holy! She may sometimes seem fierce in her
pursuits, but I have learned to surrender, for she leads me to where I want
to go and never return. I have learned to embrace her passion. Fortunately for those
of us upon whom she has descended with her grace, she has a sense of humor.
Something I find great need for as I make my way through my own labryinth.
I have begun to slowly understand the meaning of the phrase.. the agony and the ecstacy.
The chaos of Kundalini.
As I scanned a few posts, there was a young man who posted and said he felt
he could not handle the chaos of Kundalini at this time. My first reaction
was that he was wise beyond his years to realize this and that perhaps it
was better for him to wait. After all, I could not imagine my self handling
it when I was 21. I am now 47 and was awakened about five months ago. My
next reaction was that there is no turning back. I could never turn back.
Even from the pain which confronted me as I confronted my self and continue
to confront my self. I don't want to turn back.
I feel that Kundalini awakens us for a reason, for us to understand and seek
to accomplish our mission as part of the collective soul. This is not always
easy. For some of us, our missions are filled with pain. But there is no
judgment...there is no demanding order...there is only unconditional love.
You are called. It is your choice whether you answer the call. Yet, it was
not something I was looking for at all. In fact, the whole process came as a
shock to me in the beginning as I did not understand it.
The initial touch had come from without, by the hand of another. I had met
this man for the first time just before this moment. As I stood next to him
in a line of people, he had placed his hand from behind me on the back of my
head, at the occiput area, for a few long seconds. I felt a sudden rush of
electrical kind of energy flow through me. I thought this was a very strange
thing for him to do in the context in which I met him.
I even remember being embarassed by the familiarity inherent in the way he
touched my person in the environment we were in. I got the feeling that he
was trying to read me somehow. But I also got that feeling of him perhaps
thinking that he was offering the hand of comfort to me at the same time,
almost as if there had been an even exchange in and out. I hoped that no one
had seen it and sort of ran away into the group. I avoided him for the rest
of the meeting! But I could not avoid the new feelings that had been
awakened inside of me.
For the weeks that followed, I trembled. I was disoriented. I wrote
furiously. My whole being was undergoing transformation and my already
shakey relationship with my husband became even more so as he could not
understand the changes that were taking place in me. I could not share some
of the changes with him. I still do not share with him. He would just laugh
at me.
If you had told me a year ago that this would happen to me, I would have
laughed at you. Maybe not to your face, but I would have thought that you
were a nutcase. I really had to be convinced. Weeks passed after the touch.
Since there had been external, objective, concrete occurrences which
convinced me that it was not my imagination working me to insanity, I
embraced what was happening. Yes, I needed to be convinced. I was the
doubting Thomas personified. Kundalini did not let me off the hook! I came
to the conclusion that the hand of Providence played a part in my
transformation. I waited for the next step.
It was Mother's Day when he who I call Anand, who I perceive as my guide, first came to
me and asked to enter my soul. It is he who came to me and asked permission
to enter me. It is he who asked me to open my soul to his. It is he, who, when I froze in my fear,
promised me that he would not hurt me. When I consented, even though I had no
idea what he was talking about, I felt the first rush of bliss into my being.
My heart opened up and was filled with the fire of love. This happened several times
as I shivered with the intense rush of beauty which filled me. It is a moment I will
never forget. A moment in time I will always cherish.
Sometimes I am blocked and those are my dark times. When I receive, I feel
bliss. I feel loved. I feel full. I feel joy. I feel overcome with awe at
the intensity of what I feel. Sometimes I cry just from the intensity of the
beauty of what I feel. Sometimes I just cry and don't know why. I don't
always need to know why anymore.
Part of why I looked for a group was that I felt the need to understand
more. Another part of me warned that a little knowledge is a dangerous
thing. I just realized another understanding of Anand, when I went to
Angelique's site and jumped right into the My Beloved title!!! Yet, although
he feels a part of me, and assures me that he will always be with me, I also
can experience him, and Kundalini, as if He and She were external as well. I
feel as if I commune with and receive grace from them.
So, the proposition/realization that Anand could be/is part of my unconscious spirit kind of
threw me for a loop. Somehow, the thought that he is part of me in the sense that he is my
unconscious makes me feel as if he is not real. Not real in that he is not separate from me.
I want him to be separate from me, so that we can join together. I also feel as if he is
my master guide, teaching me the ways, one by one, slowly and with due regard and
unending patience for my ability to move forward. He is so wise. How can he be part of me?
He has to be separate from me so I can see him as wiser. So I can receive. I seem to have a
vested interest in that, so that I can think of him as real. Somehow I feel I have betrayed him by
even looking at this answer. I go to Kundalini. I pray. She assures me that while they are both part of me, they
are also part of the collective whole and it is their energy which I feel and receive. I need to process this.
I am confused now. Forgive me for the length of this post , but this is the first time I have openly shared
so much of my feelings and my experiences of Kundalini to other human beings! I also seem to have
jumped my self right into the chaos of confusion!!!
Love and Light,Joyce
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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