To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/10/18 23:23
Subject: RE: [K-list] feeling awful (and bitter/depressed/scared/horrified/exhausted/angry/incredulous/hopeless/etc)
From: HSV & AAL
On 2002/10/18 23:23, HSV & AAL posted thus to the K-list:
> Is anyone else in a horrible funk? I'm wondering if there's some worldwide
vibe going on or it's just me. Depression, anxiety, body aches; I'm just
feeling awful. Tired of life, and in it for the long haul. I hate feeling
like this.
** How can I possibly convey what I'm feeling inside? The answer to your question,
though, is absolutely! But then I probably have different reasons for it. I only have
about 20,000 things working against me right now, but I guess everyone does.
** My pain and sleep problems from fibromyalgia have gone back to, not square 1, but maybe
square 2 or 3. My lower back hurts with every step and my left hip is out of place. I'm
having nightmares again about death and murder with undertones of religion. I sleep for a
few hours, then begin the tossing and turning routine for an hour or two until finally the
tension in my upper back, shoulders, and neck gets so intense that I get up and give up on
sleeping. Then while I wait for the rocks (aka muscles) to relax, I also feel the sore
and bruised skin of my shoulders and back from where my Osteopath, once again, decided to
let some trainees work me over.
** My uncle, Mom's brother, passed away last weekend. I never had any kind of
relationship with him, so it's not hard on me in that sense. But I know that Mom is
depressed and frustrated and who-knows-what-else with having to deal with the death, and
the aftermath of funeral and family issues. Please, if you feel the desire, be sure to
send her special warmth in whatever way is your own. She's a member here, and struggling
with her own awakening as many of you may recall. I'm not sure exactly when she'll be
back from her mother's house, but I'm sure she'll reply when she returns.
pstevens30ATnospamhotmail.com
** I'm having trouble with allergies, a cold, -and- my moon-dark cycle all at once. Yay
for me.
** I'm once again digging large craters into my forehead that bleed quite well.. and then
leave giant black scabs on my face for all to see. I'm also clipping most of my skin off
from around my fingernails, which takes me hours to do (sometimes 3 or 4 hours) and leaves
me in aching, throbbing, burning pain for days. Oh, these behaviors are due to my Anxiety
disorder, OCD, and Depression. All these medications I'm on are suppposed to help me with
all this crap, and they generally do help me somewhat. At least until last night.
** About 2 and a half months ago, I had 2 cats... one was 4 years old, the other 2 years
old. Then I saw a stray outside, very emaciated, very young, and very pregnant. I
couldn't leave her and the litter to die, so I brought her in and cared for her. She had
4 kittens, which all lived, and she was an excellent mother. Actually too good.. very
anxious and over-protective of them. Anyway, the litter is 2 months old now. About 3
weeks ago, I noticed a small, dime-sized scab on the mother's tummy. No matter what I
did, it continued to grow and get raw and bleed until now it's about the size of my open
hand. I took her and the kittens to the vet yesterday to get shots for the kids, and
check on mom's tummy. Vet says it's probably stress caused from weaning. But as she
discovers these other places on mom that are going bald and have little scabs, she
mentions another possibility: ringworm. She plucked some hairs for a culture, but I have
to wait a whole week to find out. But what disturbed me so badly, and has had me in a
state of depression and tears and anger since last night, is that she stated that if it IS
ringworm, we may be looking at having to euthanize the cats. ALL 7 OF THEM!! The mom, 4
kittens, and my two kitties. I keep getting visions and feelings of them being cold and
lifeless and rigid. The vet said treatment is very long and very expensive... especially
for 7 cats. We can't afford expensive.
** See, I read the digest of yesterday's posting firestorm. Very interesting, and served
to divert my mind for a few minutes. I actually smiled while reading the Choo-Choo one.
Great job on that. But some of the messages just pissed me off. I was going to reply
last night, but I guess it's best that I didn't have the energy to do so. Most of what
everyone says is just completely foreign to me, but I try to understand in my own way.
But at this moment, all of the "there is no <this, that, and the other thing>" statements
seem so trivial. I'm certain that they're not, especially for most of you who are living
with K issues every day. For me, nothing seems important anymore except emotional
attachments. Joining and sharing, not only your words and experiences, but your feelings
and even part of your very essence or soul, is the most intimate and precious of life's
gifts. Burying your roots into the hearts of those whom you love and cherish and trust
the most, and receiving support and love and sustenance from them.. seems to be the only
important thing in life.
** From what I've read and been told here on this list, or at least my interpretation of
it, I imagine that you'll see my logic as flawed and pitiful, and the very thing I find
important seen as nothing more than chains of a prison. Well, I guess I'm happy being
plugged into the Matrix, because I don't want to have to live a life where only -I- matter
and my love for and from my son and Beloved, my mother, my kitties, the moon, sky and the
trees is seen as trivial bondage. Why are we here on this planet with so many other
people if the whole point is for us to isolate ourselves and realize that nobody else
matters, our relationships are trivial, and our love is a dungeon? We have mothers on
this list. If these things are true, then why bother with raising the kids and being
married or partnered? It doesn't matter.. let them take care of themselves, right? That
just doesn't seem right.
** I'm getting cynical and malicious, and that wasn't my point. I'm sorry. I just hurt
so much and I don't know how to handle it. And trying to stop my tears is like trying to
stop the rain with a sieve. I'm living in this moment right now, and all the advice from
friends and loved ones to "... not worry about it until the test comes back." is futile
because I don't know how to stop and probably don't want to.
Living in hell,
Holly (Cambeie)
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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