To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/10/10 21:25
Subject: [K-list] Lymph nodes traveling all around?!
From: typical bastard
On 2002/10/10 21:25, typical bastard posted thus to the K-list:
Well, I don't know what to think of this-are there any medical docotrs on
the list, or anyone who would know if this is bad for my body? I know
Kundalini, and K. energies are supposted to take care of them selves, I know
this-but I see these negative images at night before bed...It sounds like
sillyness..
I am pretty sure there are other students at the dorm who have Kundalini-and
sometimes i feel like maybe I am being screwed with-I am not so much worried
about them, it just feels like I'm going crazy sence I got here. Sometimes I
get this feeling of..its like view point moves for a secound-it feels like
either someone else is stepping inside of my body-or maybe i am looking at
myself from another view point. Its feels wrong, it feels bad. It feels like
I should puke, not cause i'm sick, but but because of the emotional and
mental pain this is causing. I feel like I don't know if I will survive. I
feel like someone else is in my head.
I don't really know what's wrong, and I really don't know how to fix things
right now. I am the spiritual monkey and I need to evolve. I need to grow
socially, just for the sake of my friends. I need to learn how to honestly
feel good again.
Yes-I'm coming down, but my Lymph glads moved! A ball rolled down to rest
beside my kindy, and then it rolled up, where its at!? I don't know!?
Gahhhh. Is this dangerious? Can this be harmfull? My neck is swollen-not
majorly, still though! Still! The other night I released the glads in my
neck where my neck and chin come together-does anyone know what this means?
All I did was blow spit bubbles..so it can't be that bad...Its just...I know that most of my fears come from the unknown-I don't know whats going
to happen-I don't know why I am having such a hard time staying in my body-I
don't know why sometimes I feel like someone has stepped into me-or someone
has moved into me. WHen this happens it feels like our feelings had
switched-like it feels like I now know what it would feel like to have hair
like that, like I'd understand how it'd rest on my head...but its not my
hair! Its freaky-I do not know what to think anymore.
I am starting to think these negative "visions" I've been having might be me
trying to take energy from me. I don't seriously believe in implants, but
maybe they are real-maybe I'm being controled, maybe its this, maybe its
that. Maybe i'm going crazy, maybe i'm going crazy. I need some help.
I remember that at this park one day, at one of the labrenths you see all
over San Fran. There was this man standing, looking up towards the sky. I
walked through a part of the labrenth, and then lazyily moved out of it, to
watch my friends-then, before they had finsihed, this man had entered-and
walked to the center. Wile I was standing there I saw this white soft
looking cloud of energy shoot from me to him-now I don't know if what I saw
was real or not-I dont know if I really saw it, or if I have gotten myself
wrapped up in a terrible reality tunnel. I really don't know. I don't know
what life is, or what it does to us. I don't know why I see what I see, or
feel what I feel.
It seems like everytime I say, oh, people probably can't steal energy like
that from others...it happens. I experiance that. What am I stuck in?! I
don't need to know or understand everything> Only myself, and maybe a close
few around me. Maybe I've fallen into some kind of hole.
-sigh-
Ah-well-I am leaving home for sedona tomarrow, or maybe the next. I hope I
can find my peace tonight. I hope I can get some rest.I know that in Sedona
things will get better for me. I know people there that might be able to
help. Depression is one thing, but sanity is another all together. I
mean....It feels like my body isn't conntected together..but it is! I KNOW
IT IS! It is! When I move my arm though, if I'm looking the other way..it
feels like its seperated from me.
I swear! I don't know my self very well anymore, I guess that's what happens
when you move into potiential. The weight of the world is lifted off of your
back and then when you can feel it again, suddenly you really just how heavy
it really is. How hard it can be for you, for anyone to really stand up. To
hold together. We really don't know what life is-we didn't create it. I
guess we're just doing the best we can to stay sane, to stay together. I
guess we're all just trying to hold on.
Okay, I'm sorry-I'm just going to ramble this is making me feel better, this
is helping me see. Maybe this wont fix me, but maybe this is a way of
getting it out. Letting life know, letting you a piece, a part of everything
a part of god know. Maybe this is my connection. Maybe I'll go insane, maybe
I lost myself someplace no one will ever know. Maybe I need a revolution.
Maybe I was reborn-or sweaped out. Or I was all ego, and I surrendered,
maybe it was just the drugs I took and the people I met. Maybe some of us
were ment to fade out.
At the dorms here I spend my time sitting on the top bunk of the bed, eyeing
the wall, that lets the top of hte building over just peek out. I sit there
in a lazyyy daze I just lay, listening to music. In moments like that, I am
compleat. I am fullfilled. In that moment there are shadows and light,
reflections. There you can watch the sun set against the face of the
buildind over, watch the deepening shadows suddenly dissapear at noon. You
can smell the ocean breeze, and up there this is no pollution. Hardly any at
least. The softness of those moments, of the time I get to spend up there it
the oppisite of this depression. It it the oppisite of everything I feel
right now. And maybe I'm supposted to be like that, maybe I'm supposted to
cry trying, die flying. Maybe I'm supposted to scream sometimes.
But all of this pain is just clutter. ALl of this pain is just pain and
nothing else. When I don't feel this pain I feel like I am about to slip
away, slip away into a warm embrase, and just simply dissapear. In that
moment of compleatness I feel like that if I let go, I would die. I have let
go of so many things-things like want-most wants at least. I have no push,
no drive for sex-no push, or drive against it either. It is inbetween. LIke
most things-things are not black, nor white, they are grey.
A sofa will not lie to you, mine doesn't atleast! THis chair doesn't try to
control me, the wind only gently pushes at our bodies. My sadness comes from
the same place my happyness does. Why can't it be both? Inbetween? In the
center! There is no up no down! If you were the sun and you looked at the
moon, or the Earth you'd see no top or bottom, you'd see surface and center.
And where is that center. Where is the center in you, in me? Where is that?
I am all in my head, or at the bottom of my feet, yellow or blue. I relax, I
let go, I let go, I let go. Letting go is the only thing to hold on to,
but...still I fear, and care. I let go..but I'll never let go of my loves.
I'll never let go of my pain either. I guess with out all of the people in
my life that have tried to hold me to, tried to bruise my mind. I guess all
of the people I have managed to get past have help to get me to this point.
Have helped to show me my wings. But now I've finally done it to myself. I
let these things get out of hand I let these things happen. I let myself
fall. Crush! Crash. I'd swear, but it wouldn't help things much. I better
go.
<3
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