To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/08/03 02:11
Subject: [K-list] um, not sure where to begin
From: worldofsimulacra
On 2002/08/03 02:11, worldofsimulacra posted thus to the K-list:
circles do that, leave me with this incredibly-frustration sense
of "not knowing where to begin", because it all just seems to begin
and end everywhere, and nowhere... causality breaks down...
ok, I just today "stumbled" across this website while searching for
the proper spelling of 'caduceus' for something I was writing. I
misspelled is "cadduceus" of something in the search window of
Google, and only ONE thing came up: a message from the archives of
this board. TOO MUCH!!! so here I am, beyond the causality breakdown
and behind the event-horizon of an anomaly I cannot even begin to
fathom, scared shitless and witless as I find myself approaching a
Singularity that I *know* will both create me and destroy me.
Question, half tongue-in-cheek and half-serious: are the theoretical
physicists, cosmologists, etc., having K-awakened experiences, and
that is the reason they can see and grasp what they do? And if
not... should they or shouldn't they? And *what would happen* if they
did?! I got to Calculus in high school, dropped it for being boring,
then recently self-educated pretty extensively in all those types of
fields (quantum-everything, string-theory, anthropic principle,
chaos/complexity theory, everything I can find on Time and
cosmological issues, eternal recurrence, etc.) using just the
internet and books written by the physiscists for laymen. And EVERY
time I have a K-surge, I can literally grasp it, up to the point
where I don't think *anyone* can grasp it ith their rational mind. I
mean, i find myself inventing new algebras and calculus-es in my head
that I have no symbolic/representative media through which to express
them, so I just end up doing crazy art-type stuff that looks like
someone REALLY insane made it, just to avoid going completely bonkers
from it all. Then here I sit right now, back of my head still
burning, pausing periodically to enjoy a sensual moment of oral
intercourse with my spoonful of peanut-butter and my glass of water,
thinking about it all, and...
(brain slips out, flops to the floor like so much goo, and yet, here
I still sit, *pinches myself* I'm still alive, still breathing...)
whats going on? who am I? why am i here? where am I going?
(btw, this K thing, now that I'm aware of what it actually is... has
been going on my whole life. And only now that I'm starting to get
this whole new perspective on everything, am I starting to get
*really* scared, nervous, freaked out, etc. - so ANY words of advice
would be appreciated!!)
about "me":
EVERYTHING is intense for me, phenomenally intense. I can't even
begin to describe what its like in my head, but I'm sure if "THIS" is
something that we all have in common, maybe some people here will
relate... I've had SO many radically "mind-opening" experiences in my
lifetime, i can't even remember them all. Even the major ones would
take a small book just to document and describe; and that's not even
scratching the surface of the vast inter-twined web of causal inter-
connection I see (and to one degree or another, have seen for as long
as I can remember) between and among all these things and events, and
the things and events which surround me in this Organism-Environment
we call Earth...
um, I feel really... out of place right now, I guess. I don't know
any of you all, you don't know me... you're the teachers, I'm the
baby here (although I do know a bit about K energy, I read a pretty
decent and scientific study of the phenomenon last year during a
period where the actual phenomenology for me was not nearly as
intense as what it had been in the past, or what it is now... even as
I type, right now, the back of my neck is burning, the music coming
from the speakers (Isis "Celestial", Isis are a Boston hardcore band,
*extremely* heavy and powerful) is nothing less than the soundtrack
to Kali's unleashing of destruction... Spent a night and a
day "unwinding" (haha) in the psych ward a few months ago (not my
first stint there either), the official diagnosis was "sleep-
deprivation induced mania", but I KNEW and KNOW that it was SO much
more than that. It was ALL about Kali, if that makes any sense,
and... here She is again. I am afraid, scared TO DEATH (haha)
sometimes, yet in the end it is only She who assuages my fears, as
She is right now... but yeah, I hang on for dear life, I still have
to function and operate in THIS world too... *sighs* I could sit
here all night and the next night and the next, on and on and on,
just telling you about all the crazy interwoven weirdness in my life,
but... blah blah blah, all the words in the world break apart in the
face of THIS....
question: just keep following IT? What if you lose sight of it, or
what its about? Will it lose you, CAN it, or is that just the absurd
question that everybody laughs at but me?... :|
myself and a few friends have a small discussion board at
http://www.antistruktur.com/ , in case anyone is interested in
checking it out or participating in our little conversations
(I'm '108', and I would consider many if not most of the other
posters there to be my soulmates/kindred spirits). More of my
insanity is present there, in shameless public view... *shrugs* I
dunno, I just go with the flow, its all I've ever really known, I
think...
I need to go outside and get some fresh air, but anyway... hi, my
name is David, I am SO glad I found you all!!! :) :) :)
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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