To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/08/01 01:12
Subject: [K-list] Paranoia
From: whimsicalzephyr
On 2002/08/01 01:12, whimsicalzephyr posted thus to the K-list:
Hello all,
First of all, I'd like to clarify that i don't think I'm having a
kundalini experience, although many of the symptoms are there. But i
would like to respond to the recent poll about paranoia. As I have
mentioned before, for many years i have been having some extremely
twisted compulsions which i really don't want to go into. at some
point, a friend did a reiki session on me and told me some of the
dark visions he had seen within me. at which point I become extremely
upset b/c i did not want to share these visions with others. A few
days after the session i was lying in bed with my boyfriend when i
started trancing out and having all of these visions. They led me
through a series of childhood memories which ended with a vision of
me being confined in a tree being sexually controlled by some shadowy
being. At another time when i was meditating i saw a vision of a
spirit hanging out in a red plane, sitting on a flying carpet in mid-
air. He had curly dark blond hair and a wicked lascivious expression.
I believed this spirit to be my tormentor and blamed the dark
thoughts I'd been having on this creature. For a long time i was
obsessed with the idea that this person was my spiritual enemy, that
he was the reason i was abused as a child and he was the one who
caused me to develop rhematoid arthritis when i was six. I couldn't
stop thinking about him and started to have vivid lucid dreams or
nightime obes in which he'd appear. In the dreams he would force me
to experience these dark visions while telling me to give into them,
that it was what i really wanted and craved. I was terrified!! I
asked the goddess how i would defeat this entity and all i got was
the gifu rune, which symbolizes love. For years I was looking over my
shoulder, wondering when this demon would get me. I finally got fed
up with living in fear and decided he didn't really exist and that i
was just experiencing some weird kind of shock left over from
childhood. Anyhow, I took up meditating earlier this year and once
again I had a vision of this being! At first I freaked out, but he
was smiling and saying hello. Remembering the gifu rune< I tried to
at least give the spirit a chance to say something. I started talking
to him and he told me he didn't want to hurt me, but that he'd been
trying to get my attention for some time. Apparently, spiritual
desperation was the only thing that got me to sit down long enough to
meditate and communicate with him. He said he was sorry to cause me
such grief, but that i was too lazy and that the only way I'd move
towards enlightenment was through sheer desperation and terror. I
still have *crazy* thoughts, and I'm never really sure if they're
mine or what i pick up through enpathy. My new spirit guide/divine
beloved/shadow tells me they are all about having compassion with
those who are *evil and sick*. Also, some of them are mine but that's
ok!
I apologize for this very long post, but I guess i just wanted to say
that the extreme paranoia I experienced was completely unnessecary!
That fearing the dark side of myself was wasted misery and pain. I
still do have some guilt and shame still kicking around, but I have
made it far enough to know this is necessary and will pass
eventually. Not enlightened enough to bless the guilt tho! Still
pushing through it.
Finally, I'd like to say that for years I have had extreme
arachnophobia as well and would cringe and get nauseous as i looked
at spiders. I still do have this fear, but lately when i meditate and
go to sleep, i am having dreams and visions of talking spiders,
particularily black and white ones resembling crabs. Don't know what
it means yet but I'm sure the spiders will let me know!
I guess we have nothing to fear but fear itself. Accepting the fear
and object of the fear as valid and of some meaning has helped me
tremendously.
Writing this is doing some powerful stuff with my third chakra at the
spine. Thank you for indulging me everyone.
Sabrina
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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