To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/07/18 03:59
Subject: [K-list] eh Nuts! (And what to do when you think that you are)
From: Onlycycles
On 2002/07/18 03:59, Onlycycles posted thus to the K-list:
Alright, so there is a screw loose somewhere. There has got to be-I have been
having a very hard time falling asleep lately. I tend to move through this
simply by meditation, and projecting-and then I find myself tired enough to
go to sleep. I passout, then wake up-but this is no good. I have to be able
to wake up at 6 in the morning, not 2 in the afternoon.
Most of the hard stuff is over. I'm not hearing voices anymore-they were all
caused by my environment. I wasn't really listening to the world around me.
I'm not paranoid anymore(usually), I'm not chasing after any more crazy
delusions shining bright like a holy grail.
Now, friends, I am dealing with something else completely.
Went I tried to go to sleep tonight..I saw myself being helped by people.
People I've seen before. Chances are, they weren't actually here helping me,
in my room, but just energy I was seeing in a certain way. Then..a little
wile later...I started thinking about something..Something weird..I wasn't
really paying attention to what I was thinking about..I was just thinking.
And then there was this brilliant light-So white in the center I couldn't
even really look there, and around the sides, there was a soft spectrum of
colors that I could see where the light faded into the darkness. Very
stunning. And it shook me out of my doze, and kind of gave me a scare.
Well, that brought back my old "illusions" once again. The big one too-Had I
died? Am I dead? I stepped out onto the patio to have a smoke, and I thought
about things. Things are so much different than they used to be. I sense the
world differently-It feels different. Another strange thing that I am always
haven't to accept-though its easy enough expect for when I'm paranoid. Maybe
some of you have the same experiance..I don't think like I used to. I used to
always hear this babble of thought, and most of the time I'd ignore it,
except for when I needed it. Now..I'm blank. I don't hear anything at all,
except for when I need it. Say-if I want to do math in my head..Its hard to
consider a math problem and figure it out without tracing the steps as you
go..Well. Okay-I come to think of it..It is not really such a big deal-I can
hear minds sometimes now. Usually people that are close to me, a very faint
sound of their voice.
Back to the patio again-I sat there, trying to figure this out, this thing
that feels much bigger than me sometimes. And I said, well, if its true, if I
am dead, and if this is all a part of my mind-a mind that may not be able to
completely let go of this physical world, and so had locked its self up here
for the time being-if this is all inside of my head..then I'd have control,
correct? Well, I thought "Woohoo" and I sent it out there. Putting some
feeling behind it...Within 30 seconds a woman actually shouted "Woohoo!" at
the lightening show my little town is getting.
Crazy. But I look back on it...
The other day it was raining..and there was thunder..and someone shouted
"woohoo!" or something like that. A happy call at the sound of thunder.
Things usually come in twos for me. That still doesn't solve anything.
The biggest problem. Sleep. I loved it when I projected all night, living in
my dreams, but that was when I was at the top-going up. I'm going down now. I
have to. I will be going to school soon, and when I'm that high up..I can't
do much but laugh at silly things and act much like a child would. Now I have
to gear up, and get ready for some hardcore learning. I have to get ready for
the rest of my life. And now this little sleeping problem is getting the best
of me.
I know I'm not ready to move on from this life just yet. So even if I am
"dead", there are still some things I need to clear up. I'm not saying that
you aren't here. I'm saying..everything I perceive is inside my own head.
Basicly-with this kind of paranoia..its like a loop. Its true if it is, its
true if it isn't. Maybe someone has some kind of easy explanation for what is
going on? Or maybe someone has a similar experience? I almost want to test
myself. I almost want to stay awake until I cannot any longer-if this is all
inside of my head, I'll never have to sleep. But no, that's unreasonable.
I live in Sedona, a town greatly known for it's spirituality. Some of it is
real, and some of it is not. I know that there are other people here who can
read minds. I know that there are other people here who have gone through
things like this-but..that just might be a part of my insanity. Or..it might
be apart of my death.
Acceptance. I try to accept everything. I try to accept the possibility that
I have died, without believing it in so strongly that I lose my grip. I try
to accept other things too. Its hard-the paranoia comes from my life that I
have lived-about 3-4 years ago I took way too much ecstasy. Drug over doses
on ecstasy aren't really all that common-usually they only occur due to
dehydration. Say, dancing too much at a part and not drinking any water.
During 36 hours I took 5 pills. I don't really have a good memory of that
week, or what happened. I remember most things, I remember bits and
pieces...But afterwards..things were much different for me. That's when I got
paranoid. That's when I started to think too much..soo much..so much in fact
I realized that thought was worthless to me. No thought could add up to the
beauty of life. So just hush, quiet down, and love the way that breeze
feels..I have worked through a lot. And now I'm mostly back to where I was
again, but with a whole new look on life. A very different person. I feel
reborn. I feel like I've moved up a level in this world. Not up a level form
you exactly, just.. up a level from where I was at.
Jason
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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