To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/07/13 10:37
Subject: [K-list] Cuckoo shadow games
From: . A.S.A.
On 2002/07/13 10:37, . A.S.A. posted thus to the K-list:
Dear list
I just got home from what was supposed to be a "vacation" with my relatives.. My sister her boyfriend Robert and their 3 kids, and both my parents..
It has really been a big beat-up on my body.. So i feel I would like to vent a little..
Before we went off I was really considering if it would be healthy for me to go on this trip since my body had been up to a couple of days of intense releasing of vaccination toxins and emotional memories coming with the process.. With many experiences still for me still integrating..
But in the morning I felt really fine and my intuiton told me it would be a great challenge to surrender, if there would be any difficulties showing up..
The night we first got there I started to feel the stressed ego vibes around me so I ended up in bed unable to move with migrene so painful and I was working with releasing all of their stuff my empathy picked up.. At the same time the kids really love to be around me, but since they have already picked up alot of painful programmings my body were screaming at times and I didnt know were to go, there were almost no chance for me to be alone, but as soon as I got the opportunity, I rested my body and stretched and worked with surrendering, drinking alot of water.. Me working with surrendering..
At nights barely no sleep, surrendering stuff of the people staying in the house..
And my sister commenting that it is "not normal" for a 19 year old female to be alone so much as I am, that it is important to have a social life..
(the impression I have gotten is that they think I have been isolating myself since after my years of drug abuse and suicide attempt to finally be true to myself, but they dont see from my perspective, I have surrendered everything.. I need nothing.)
I do have a social life, when I feel like it.. And I am very picky about the company I keep. As for I have surrendered mostly all of my old relationships which where mostly results of needs projecting..
My parents also comment on this and I have tried to explain to them , but they think I have gone mad.. We live in different realities, but they do not remember that so what to to other than for me to surrender..
At one point on this trip I cried like a baby in front of my mother when the rest of the folks were gone shopping.. Releasing, dunno what she thought of this but she tried to stop me, and get an explanation to my tears..
I told her : Let me cry now.. bursting out for feeling their pain and tears..
understanding lot of what my childhood was like..
Lots of music and screaming at the children and demandings and complaining.. At times they appeared as restless baby lions looking for meat (energy) to chew off from someone.. Almost no place for external silence, every minute someone poking at me for attention..
All of this is also mirroring my childhood.. puh, I have thanked my body on and on and really been gentle on it to handle all of this..
Nature have assisted me in this really challenging situation.. so much support I got..
Also at a couple of times it felt like the house was haunted too,(built in the 18th century).. I surrendered that for Self to handle, not for me to think about.. The results where as always excellent..
I have been "gone" for about a week now.. and I arrived at home for a couple of hours ago.. What a joy with not someone needing my attention.. I really do understand my relatives, and look with compassion for their behaviour and the pain they have stored.. They live in their realities, but I for sure have got myself beaten up by coming by on this trip.. Like playing with baby lions parts of my self, only for me to watch, not for me to join them in the play.. I will only end up with pain causethey dont feel the hurts..
Thanks for letting me vent..
.
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