To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/07/09 09:49
Subject: Re: [K-list] Psychic Pain
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2002/07/09 09:49, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
Wrote this last week. Decided not to send it, then changed my mind...
what the fuck. Add it to the "Savior" poll...
No anal-ysis please, I am just expressing... Venting, indulging in
drama, licking wounds... wallowing in self pity, even... not seeking to be
fixed. Just emotions releasing, releasing... released. If you are feeling
too sensitive, skip it.
.................................................................... My eyes started weeping a few weeks ago, seasonal allergies.
A few times, contemplating the salty tears falling, I wondered whose
karma I might be crying away. I had done a lot of healing work, sometimes
empathy stuff gets left behind and takes time to process itself though me.
Feelings, sensations, emotions and illnesses that are not my own. Best not
to attach to it with too much attention, chop wood carry water. Kind of
wished I could just have a good cry and get it over with, but I could not
isolate the feeling. <shrug> Allergies...
When my eyes got puffy and rejected the contact lenses, with goopy eye
booger stuff swimming across my vision I wondered, "What am I blind to?"
I would up taking some allergy pills, which dampen my immune system,
which led to an infection from rubbing my itchy sore eyes, and druid
hauling me off to the doctor Friday after he got home from work.
Cute, really. he came home, kissed my hand as usual, took a good look
and me and cheerfully asked to take me to the doctor to have my red
bloodshot puffy scaly lidded chapped weepy eyes looked at. Huh? uh... Ok...?
Got some drops for them and when they started working, I started
becoming aware of how stressed my body had been from feeling yucky. Even my
scalp ached. druid was not surprised, he is pretty in tune with me and
realized I was much worse off than I'd noticed.
Pain gets converted to endorphin so readily that minor chronic stuff is
easy to ignore... and I have been. I tend to hold the vision of perfect
immaculate health, and often do not pay much attention to minor ailments,
trusting "Goddess has it handled." So often passing symptoms are just
somebody's karma processing and it is better to ignore them. "This too,
will pass." Basic surrender.
Till it all added up and whacked me flat. I was getting dizzy spells
on and off, Sat... <shrug> Dunno why. Felt like when I get ungrounded
because all my life force is devoted to processing somebody's karma. Could
have been flu from the antihistamines. <shrug> Don't care.
My Divine Beloved... Goddess often sings to me, serenades me with the
jukebox in my head to give me messages.. reflections of myself. truths. On
the way to the Doctor, and even in the office, and since, I have this song
in my head... "Doctor my eyes" by Jackson Browne.
"Doctor, my eyes
Tell me what is wrong
Was I unwise
to leave them open
for so long"
So much, that when the Doc showed up and asked me what I was there for,
I almost sang to him. Told him it was like that old song, "Doctor, my eyes"
"..have seen the years
And the slow parade of fears without crying
Now I want to understand
I have done all that I could
To see the evil and the good without hiding
You must help me if you can
Doctor, my eyes
Tell me what is wrong
Was I unwise to leave them open for so long"
I was thinking of my friend Francis tonight, and then he called. That is
how it goes, with me. I think of people and they feel it, and call me... or
sometimes, I am called.
Sometimes, I do not answer, and sometimes there are regrets...
sometimes I do answer and know it not... till someone tells me, I visited
them.
I got a letter yesterday, from someone who wanted to be my e-slave
several years ago. Had not heard from him in years, but I thought of him
two days before he wrote. I'd called an old net friend who had been
assigned him, as part of her Priestess training back then so they could
reflect each other and grow. A matrifocal man wanting to learn to worship
Goddess within. I gave him some training, some shaktipat and when he
vanished I scarcely gave it a second thought. People come and go.
His letter was so very odd to receive... I get letters, people giving
me responsibility for stuff. I often really do not know what to do with
the information. I'll share a snippet:
> i wish to report back to You and report back that i have finally
> completed an assignment You issued long ago but which i was to
> inexperienced spiritually to accomplish. Under Your supervision i was
> being spiritually guided back to the Almighty Mother. You taught me of
> her but i could not find Her. i was unworthy to approach Her and see Her
> face and get to know Her. Thus i failed You and left You have never
> written me off. I feel that you occasionally clear my chaktra's even
> though I am unworthy because I have resisted You I know that I seem to
> have abandoned You and have made myself unworthy of Your spiritual
> guidance.Your site in shame knowing that i had failed You.
>
>But i never forgot my assignment and i have now come to know Her very
>well. And yet i know the same things You tried to tell me in the
>beginning. Funny hw hard it can be to see the obvious. Nevertheless, i
>am nearing completion on the record of my journal. This was Your original
>command, and i now stand ready to present it to You if You will still have
>it. i have not considered myself worthy to visit Your site since i failed
>You. Yet i now sense that it was You that have continued to influence my
>journey all along. And if that is true and not just a mad illusion - i
>thank you forever and always for clearing my charma opening my chactra's
>to some degree- and shwoing me the way. Please let me know if i may
>present the results of my quest to you.
What? Why? My command? If I had enough ego, I guess it is very
complimentary, except I cannot really take responsibility for what I did
not know about. I gave him a few tools, is all...
That my higher self really was off tuning up his chakras is possible,
she does get around, and since she is outside of time it is impossible for
me to know everything she gets up to... it cannot fit into my linear
experience, even if I spent all my time meditating and did not eat, sleep
or do anything else... I prefer to get info on a "need to know" basis. If
people write asking me what the visit was about, I get the info to tell them.
<shrug> Goddess did it. What am I supposed to do? He has been having a
relationship with his idea of who I am, and so the whole thing just feels
like a lot of expectations and projections that has nothing to do with me.
Sometimes it is weird being an ascended master who is still embodied.
Most of the time I do not think of it, just a silly label... then I get
these letters, or reports from my students and trace the visit to a stray
thought... and remember that it is true. At least, it is a framework of
explanation.
That is why I guard my thoughts, try not to have any. Power and
responsibility.
I was thinking of my friend Francis, and he called me tonight. He told
me he'd been moved to do an experiment while having a beer in the bar. He
wears green welding glasses as sunglasses and he'd put them on while he was
there, to observe the world in dim monochrome. What he saw, surprised him.
He saw more... so much... too much that he did not want to know.
I explained that when you dim your physical eyes, your third eye kicks
in and you get more information... Yes, he had been getting way more
information about the strangers than he was comfortable with, not pretty
stuff he'd rather not know. Kind of repulsed him. I told him yes, I know. I
get more information about people that I meet than I would ever want, all
the time, no welding glasses required. Intuitively, empathically, visually.
He asked, how do I stand it?
"Doctor, my eyes
Tell me what is wrong
Was I unwise to leave them open for so long.
I have done all that I could
To see the evil and the good
without hiding
You must help me if you can"
Being Goddess for him... I told him, "compassion... have compassion
for what you see, and it opens up to all the beauty and tragedy, the
terrible beauty of the human experience... it is the stuff that out great
art is made of. Romeo and Juliet. Tragedy, suffering... Helpless, frail,
foolish humans in all their fear and passion. Beauty."
He also expressed a concern that his addiction to endorphins (SM and
weightlifting) might be burning out his body... I told him, he has to
uncover the pain he is unconsciously anaesthetizing.
Now I write it, to remind myself.
"Cause I have wandered through this world
And as each moment has unfurled
I've been waiting to awaken from these dreams"
Francis is a unique person in my life. I met him for the first time, at
age 9 in that Shamanic time travelling dream I wrote about recently. That,
is another story... I remembered him because he is so unusual. He is a 60
year old bodybuilder and fetishist, scientist. Aristocratic, English
romantic manners and accent, white hair and a dapper goatee. At events
where we meet he is dressed as a dreamt him, in chains, huge nipple rings,
leather posing pouch, white socks and black shoes. He is a little shorter
than me when I am in heels, which was a singular delight to my 9 year old
self... but nothing compared to when he went down on one knee and kissed my
hand.
I wonder how I would have survived growing up, if not for that taste of
joy, bliss, love and beauty in my future. It gave me strength. It also
scared the crap out of me, 9 year olds are not supposed to witness BDSM
scenes... and within weeks I needed glasses for nearsightedness. Scary, to
see too far ahead. "Doctor, my eyes... "
My druid had a similar experience. In the afterglow of our tantric
lovemaking one day, he got a powerful deja vu and was transported to a past
self... to the darkest time of his life, in his 20's when he was most
suicidal because he was alone, he had gotten a future glimpse of that
afterglow... and knew one day there would be great love. It sustained
him... Time looped, and druid gave hope to his self 20 years in the past.
When I met Francis as an adult, he was quite closed to spirituality, and
did not even believe in life after death. What can I say? I am
contagious... three years later he was talking to trees, realizing his
inventions love him back, and telling me of the conversation he'd had with
his Father in law's ghost. Beautiful, to watch him growing.
I have been talking to a ghost, too... Trying to sort out my thoughts,
my chaotic emotions. I have been thinking of El Collie today. Talking to
her, a little bit. Feeling her, getting information. Letting go. Grieving.
El was like a mentor to me, without her this list would not exist...
When Charles did not tell her cause of death, I had a feeling it was
too painful, suicide. I was afraid to ask... did not want to think about
it, because I had felt her calling before she died. Kept feeling moved to
send her an email, say hello and I love you... but there is always so much
email, so little time.. Last I'd heard she was wanting privacy.
No please, not suicide. I preferred to imagine a car crash, or some
accident of fate.
"Doctor, my eyes
Tell me what you see"
I cannot accept responsibility for what other people do. Free Will is
Goddess law. I used to... enjoyed the pedestals and the power to shape people.
"People go just where they will
I never noticed them until I got this feeling
That it's later
than it seems"
Tried not to think, my thoughts are too powerful. Set me Free from
desire, and give me a silent mind. A week or two ago, I was thinking of
El, and I remember feeling a surge of a powerful desire to know the truth
of what happened... face my fear. Be careful what I pray for...
Goddess provides. On the gateway site, where El's tribute pages are,
there is an invitation for people to write memorial messages and send them
to the list owner/moderator address so they can be posted to the website.
Yesterday, El's sister wrote ... a painful letter like a raw, open wound.
>To: "'Kundalini-Gateway-ownerATnospamyahoogroups.com'"
>Subject: El
>Date: Mon, 1 Jul 2002
>El Collie was my sister. On April 17, 2002, she committed suicide. She was
>always brilliant, increasingly unstable over the years, and ultimately self
>destructive. She shot herself, which is about as violent and despairing a
>way to go as I can imagine. At least it was quick.
>
>There is no moral to this story and no wise words to explain anything. I am
>a private person, but this much I feel compelled to share.
>
> If this is what kundalini does, no one should ever have to suffer through
>it. Warn the members of your kundalini group. I see nothing sacred, holy or
>beautiful about a deadly phenomenon that stole the life of my sister. I give
>the "big K" a big raised finger. My heart is broken.
Hillary and Jason wrote her beautiful responses. I am so grateful for
the co-moderators! I have tried, but I have not been able to find the
words. Her pain is too big, washing over me with tidal force and I am
helpless... I am too clumsy with it, and my own... what can words do?
Where is the beauty in this tragedy? El saved the lives of so many
troubled awakened ones, but none of us could help her...
"Doctor, my eyes
Tell me what you see
I hear their cries
Just say if it's
too late for me"
Ironically... Last week I was talking to one of my Priestesses, telling
her how I hate suicidal people... because they are so selfish. They end
their own pain but hurt their loved ones so irrevocably. Makes me angry,
they throw the gift of life away like it was trash... when there are so
many, crying for more life. I know it is not compassionate, but I crash
against understanding...
She said, "that's funny, considering most of us came to you suicidal."
It was an interesting conversation, I was resistant to the information
every step of the way. I told her she had not told me that before. She
reminded me that she had, repeatedly. I told her I hadn't believed she was
serious. She persuaded me that she had been, and I had known it. She
reminded me of how many others called for death, and Goddess gave them me,
instead... and life.
I do not want to believe I saved her life and others whom I love. I
cannot take responsibility for that... to be their savior. If I do, then I
must also take responsibility for El slipping like sands of time, through
my fingers... and cymbal, whose fate I foresaw but could not change... and
all those, whom I loved and felt their pain, but could not help.
"Doctor, my eyes
Cannot see the sky
Is this the prize
for having learned how not to cry..."At 12:55 AM 03/07/02, AnneChris wrote:
>Dear all
> my friend was told she has "psychic pain", what is that???
>Love Chris
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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