To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/07/15 11:59
Subject: [K-list] mental "illness": non-irritating approaches
From: Laura
On 2002/07/15 11:59, Laura posted thus to the K-list:
Hi folks,
I am still working through certain personal ramifications of Mystress' post
on El Collie, as well as my previous psychedelic emergency that i posted
about a couple of weeks ago.
my question for all y'all is at the end, so if you only want to skim my
post, the most important part is after the words "what i am looking for
is..."
I know that mental illness has been a topic on the k-list repeatedly and
there are prob whole sections in the archives that i should research before
writing this (and i will)...but i have been searching the web and bookstores
for days and days (and years and years) and i just feel like directly asking
people who have journeyed alot in themselves at this point, direct contact
and such, feels better
i guess that i am feeling caught between a rock and a hard place in the
following sense. i think i am a candidate for some combo form of so-called
cyclical hereditary bipolar spectrum "disorder", with extremely high
functioning for most of the time, except i don't think they mean what they
think they mean about this whole thing.
first of all, i don't believe that it is an illness per se (though it is
DEFINITELY debilitating in our current social/economic arrangement and
certainly life threatening, but i am not sure that there is not a positive
use for the episodes that attack me if i can weather them without drugging
myself, or that if i let it run its course without succumbing to the
thanatos aspect it will heal itself, or that it is not the source of my
creation somehow and should not be extracted since i am perfect as i am),
secondly i am psychically/physically allergic to their drugs and they make
me much muCH MUCH worse so i can't seek any sort of mainstream help when
things get really bad else they will try to medicate me (i seem to respond
well to emotional support and talking and affection from people i trust
which are kindof few in the deep throws if it is available to me, if not i
suffer and weather the storm), thirdly seems alot of psych folks are pretty
unvoyaged in their own consciousness and are in bed with western
pharma-medicine, forthly they all seem to assume that the standard psych
definitions of the phenomenon are true and adequate and don't think about it
from any other angles (this is highly highly irritating to me, esp when i am
hypomanic lol like right now...otherwise it is depressing :) haha gotta
laugh at yourself.
fifthly, perhaps the nature of the surrendured human duality consciousness
is to experience both the light and the dark, non-duality holding duality
together, and these episodes are not episodes at all but honest unfiltered
emotion releasing itself from the pig pen of its unsociability when the pen
gets too full, like a tornado or volcano cleaning itself and me of
negativity releasing me into peace, the aftermath (guess i am all fire and
air, the poet's disease)
sixthly, since women are more likely to be affected with this than men, and
it is cyclical, circadian, lunar, or seasonal or some other natural rhythm,
perhaps it is once again an inherent experience in being human, and some of
us are just stormier than others depending on how our cycles rhythm of
oppression and release were formed through our younger years
since i guess i don't believe that anyone really has any idea what is going
on here (esp scientists who believe in their own truth definitions) on
earth, in mind, and that there is no wisdom, i can't figure out if there is
anything truly wrong with me to be healed...even though for the past 12
years i am regularly intermittenly finding myself fighting myself for my own
life, which seems threatening to normal social functioning (and certainly,
if i can't somehow mellow it out, i will decide not to have children)
i am tired of trying to fix or alter myself and nothing ultimately works, i
kindof just want to say hey, this is me, this is the bodymind i have been
created into and am stuck with, i am alternatively emotionally passionate
and volatile followed by periods of significant existential
nihilism/thanatos...
but contrarily, these things tend to aggravate and intensify over time, and
i am concerned that if i don't somehow find adequate "treatment",
self-awareness, healing or support, the degenerative nature of it might make
me another sad number in the files, overabundant brain white matter, which
in my majority of moments makes me sad and fearful and greatly apologetic to
those i love
what i am looking for: i would like to read any alternative, feminist,
k-based, or non-western theories or explanations of chronic mental illness,
personal stories, what folks have done to manage it or even heal it, any
success stories??? (or are you just in a manic phase and think your healed
until next week rolls around hahahaha), any experiential wisdom, warnings,
book lists, non-drug approaches, alterna-consciousness explanations (what is
really going on here? is it karma related? is karma a bunch of bullshit and
just another narrative? is there a use for the storm?), is the faith true or
the crisis in faith or neither?
book recommendations or websites links would be great, i can't seem to get
past the standard Great Wall of pharmaceutical shrink crap
thanks for reading this post,
kindly,
laura
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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